Posted in Connecting with God
Okay...that's not a word, but that's basically how it went. Most parents know who Thomas the Tank Engine is. One of the best things that can be said about any engine on the island of Sodor is that they are "really useful." Well, today I haven't been feeling really useful.
It started when I was up all night Monday evening with back pain. I finally fell asleep at 5:45 AM, and my kids woke me up at 8:30. I spent the morning not accomplishing much aside from pushing bits around on my hard drive and correcting some coding errors I had generated in my sleepless night. That wouldn't be so bad, but I showed up to my part time position to find that I had almost no work to do. So, I went home after a whopping 45 minute shift and attempt to help my dad make some repairs that my back won't let me do on my own, only to have my back sideline me with spasms and all sorts of pain. I can't even walk to the back corner of a Home Depot and back without paying for it in spades.
As a little aside, guys have a tendency to define themselves by what they do, or what they can do. It's frustrating when you let your life be defined by things you can't do. I know I shouldn't let myself get knuckled under by this sucker punch, but it's like tripping over your laces. Don't tie up loose ends and bad things can happen. My identity has been really secure lately in God. I guess this was a test or his way of knocking away something He hadn't put there. Whatever the end result is, today has been difficult in terms of accomplishing anything.
Then I read Nancy's post today, and I took a little comfort in the fact that others were having a bad day with me. She gave a simple phrase rooted in an acrostic that helped with perspective a little: "Hearing Ears Are Resting in The Lord's peace." How much have I been listening today? I may have listened over the weekend, but that does a fat lot of good on Tuesday. I need Him. I need His words more than anything else. But I can't hear when I'm not -- to borrow a meditation term -- centered. I'm ducking and dodging questions about who I am and about what good I am if I can't do certain things. I'm not getting who I am from Who He is. That won't work. My best investment is coming back to Him, messed up back and all and asking Him what He thinks of me.
In the end, that's all that really matters, anyway. That and North Dakota.
It started when I was up all night Monday evening with back pain. I finally fell asleep at 5:45 AM, and my kids woke me up at 8:30. I spent the morning not accomplishing much aside from pushing bits around on my hard drive and correcting some coding errors I had generated in my sleepless night. That wouldn't be so bad, but I showed up to my part time position to find that I had almost no work to do. So, I went home after a whopping 45 minute shift and attempt to help my dad make some repairs that my back won't let me do on my own, only to have my back sideline me with spasms and all sorts of pain. I can't even walk to the back corner of a Home Depot and back without paying for it in spades.
As a little aside, guys have a tendency to define themselves by what they do, or what they can do. It's frustrating when you let your life be defined by things you can't do. I know I shouldn't let myself get knuckled under by this sucker punch, but it's like tripping over your laces. Don't tie up loose ends and bad things can happen. My identity has been really secure lately in God. I guess this was a test or his way of knocking away something He hadn't put there. Whatever the end result is, today has been difficult in terms of accomplishing anything.
Then I read Nancy's post today, and I took a little comfort in the fact that others were having a bad day with me. She gave a simple phrase rooted in an acrostic that helped with perspective a little: "Hearing Ears Are Resting in The Lord's peace." How much have I been listening today? I may have listened over the weekend, but that does a fat lot of good on Tuesday. I need Him. I need His words more than anything else. But I can't hear when I'm not -- to borrow a meditation term -- centered. I'm ducking and dodging questions about who I am and about what good I am if I can't do certain things. I'm not getting who I am from Who He is. That won't work. My best investment is coming back to Him, messed up back and all and asking Him what He thinks of me.
In the end, that's all that really matters, anyway. That and North Dakota.
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Posted by jen http://jensthoughtsandfeelings.blogspot.com/
