Yet I always have the strength to worry, even when much of it -- or perhaps because much of it is out of my control. A week ago marked a year of being out of full-time work. I was laid off -- by mistake, no less. Normally, this wouldn't be so great a setback, except that I am disabled and I was barely hanging onto my job at the time of the layoff because of my health problems. Since then, God has been faithful, providing through miraculous, semi-miraculous, and normal means. I have food, clothes, and everything in the house runs, more or less. Yet my mind keeps going back to the things I can see. "Well, we can ask the church for help," or "We'll get by until this kicks in."

I often wondered what the Israelites thought of manna after a few weeks, a few months, or a few years of it. Now I think I'm beginning to understand. I both hate and love it. I love how God somehow, some way provides what we need when we need it. I am deeply thankful that His provision comes. Yet my will chafes at the thought of not having control over it. Just like the Israelites with manna, they couldn't see it coming, nor could they scientifically predict the manna forecast (beyond what God had revealed to them, telling them to pick up an extra helping on the sixth day). They knew other gods were capricious and that they didn't understand this One very well. I think that they had a very human and real desire to control their future. This valley I'm in is forcing me to confront something I thought I knew better about...and that is: trusting God.

A lot of this past year has been themed in that direction. "Do you trust me to provide for you?" "Do you trust me even though it's the 2nd of the month and you have no money for mortgage?" "Do you trust me, even though I just allowed your friend's 6 year-old daughter to die?"

I'm going to be honest here and admit that sometimes I don't. It's not an overt decision, saying, "God, I don't trust you with this." It's a subconscious fear that maybe, somehow, if I could just get to a place where I could see where the money's coming from, then I'll be okay.

The real heroes -- if we can call them that -- of the faith are guys like George Mueller who trusted God to provide for him and his orphanage day after day, week after week. Those are the guys (and gals) worth emulating. God proved himself faithful with them, so why am I having such a hard time trusting Him with my little situation?

I guess this is where I need to ask God to search the deep waters of my heart and help me find these festering hulks and allow him to deal with them as he sees fit. I'm no pro, but I at least know that's the best way to go about this. It's not going to be easy, but it's the best way I know to live. Right now, I know that He's all I've got. I need to listen to him more and less to my own devices and the world. I need him. That's the long and short of it. I'm not stopping until I find him.