One of the better questions for me as a disabled Christian is best phrased, “Why doesn’t God heal me?” This is brought into especially sharp contrast when I talk with my friends from the Word of Faith movement. I’m not the best one to summarize their beliefs, but I don’t feel it would be inaccurate to say that they believe that it’s God’s will to heal all the time and that if healing does not occur, it is our “fault,” not God’s. I don’t want to set up my own straw man here, but I strongly disagree with this particular belief.

Some folks may write me off as a dispensationalist, someone who believes that God no longer heals. On the contrary, I believe that God heals all the time, and not just through doctors and modern medicine. I have seen legitimate and Biblical healing before at several of the churches I’ve attended. The most dramatic was a toddler who was born deaf. The minister snapped his fingers behind her head and there was no response. He prayed for her. We all prayed for her. Then he snapped his fingers softly behind her head. Immediately, she turned, shocked and surprised and looked at his hand. As you can imagine, the church went nuts. Not all healings are as dramatic as that one, but I know God heals today.

So why doesn’t God heal me?

I believe at least part of the answer can be found in the book of Job. Job was a righteous man, yet God allowed everything in his life to be stripped away in a matter of a few moments. Then he allowed Job to get sick. Job demanded an answer from God, but God didn’t really give him one. He really just put Job in his place. But then, God gave back to Job everything he had and more, letting him live a full life. But it’s interesting that early on in the story, his friends are accusing him of some secret sin. For better or worse, Job protests his righteousness. I am not in the position to judge my righteousness, but I know that my relationship with God is on good terms and that it’s under the blood of Jesus Christ.

For me, the message of Job, at least in part, is that we humans don’t see the full picture. Job never understood all that was going on behind the scenes. He wasn’t owed an explanation. We don’t know if he ever got one. But we do get a sense of justice when we see that Job received back all that he lost, and then some. This tells me that while material justice and glory does matter, it is only a small part of the spiritual justice and glory that we ascribe to God, who really deserves more than he gets.

I know I don’t see all the reasons why I’m disabled. I do know that if all things were equal, God would heal me because he doesn’t like to see his children suffer. But all things are not equal. There is something God is using this pain and suffering for. Romans 8:28 is an old standby for Christians in hard times, but God really does work in all things for our good. It does not guarantee that nothing bad will happen to us. It guarantees that God will work through both the good and the bad for our benefit. We would be fools to assume that we know what the best benefit is for us. God likens himself as a father to us. As parents, we know that if our children were left to their own devices, they would be malnourished from eating too much candy, self-absorbed from going after their own pursuits and thoroughly unhappy after discovering how empty their lives can be. The same is true of us. There are times when pain is more beneficial than pleasure. And why else would Hebrews 12 tell us that God disciplines those he loves?

If I were completely well tomorrow, I don’t think I would be as close to God as I am today. I don’t think I would be as dependent on him as I am today. More importantly, I don’t think I would understand the nature of his character as well as I do today. There are things about God that I understand more through my illness than I ever would if I were completely healthy.

There are times in our lives when we realize that the easy way and the most rewarding way are not the same way. Would I have chosen this way? No. Am I seeing God’s wisdom in putting me through this? Absolutely!

Additionally, I would be very arrogant to assume that what I’m going through is just for me. My wife is discovering and learning right alongside me. So are my children. Part of my job as a father is to help my family see how God is working in our lives. That’s why I talk about my disability regularly with my kids. I try to help them see what benefits there are in it. They understand those benefits, and they’ve even come up with some of their own. They often tell me how glad they are that I can stay home with them. I couldn’t agree more.

I don't know what God has planned for my future. Will I die? Probably. It's just a question of a few seconds or several decades from now. Will I fulfill my calling? I hope so. It's my job to fight for my life by pursuing health and seeking to bless those around me with what God has given me. When God chooses to take me home, he'll have to fight me awfully hard to do it. I know what awaits me: a glorious new body in a paradise I couldn't imagine, but I am so attached to what he has blessed me with here that he will have to rip me away from it all. If he waits until I die to heal me and give me a new body, I can handle that. I don't like the prospect, but I will walk out the path he has set me on. After all, I owe him my life.

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