Posted in Coping With Disability
Well, the responses Ive been getting on my posts about disability continue to be encouraging. I received a letter from someone who just happened across HomeSchoolBlogger.com and managed to find my post. Ill let her letter explain in the portion of it below...
I responded to Jeannie the same night I got this. It seemed like God was working, so I didnt want to miss the opportunity. Heres some of my response,
Please pray for Jeannie and her family, especially her father and stepmother.
I noticed under the "Latest Entries" section, your latest blog on "Disability and the Government." I read "Coping With Disability" also.
First, I have to praise God! He is all-knowing and ever meeting our needs beyond my understanding. These blogs on disability are an answer to prayer for me. I will try to make this short...
I live in Georgia but am currently visiting with my dad and grandparents in Kentucky. This is an extremely strained/stressful visit as you will see...My dad is 55 years old and has had debilitating pain since 1999. He has been through SIX, yes count them, SIX surgeries since that time trying to fix him! Two on his backthe second was a redo of the infected first surgery, three on his neck, and a series of major blood transfusions because they thought he had some kind of immunity or nerve disease. He has since discovered that the back surgery was a wrong guess and therefore has a steel lower back for nothing! The blood transfusions were a wasted guess as well. He is supposed to go in about six months, possibly, for surgery number seven on his neck.
He went bankrupt a few years ago from all the time not working due to pain/surgeries. He is at home right now, no work, on Social Security Disability and Veterans Affairs benefits. He sits around the house and tries to bear his pain with endless medications and supplements, all seeming to no avail. He is considering truck driving, and the VA will pay for his Commercial Drivers License schooling only once he is well. He has no money left over every month and basically can barely leave the house.
I am very depressed about the whole situation because I have felt all my lifeeven before 1999that my dad has had trouble holding jobs and has been mostly self-employed sporadically. So I have been feeling angry at him for not working to support himself and his wife, who is on benefits herself.
His failure to provide is especially distressing in light of this passage:
This passage distresses me because my dad also does not get along with my grandfather, his dad, mostly about work, business and money issues, and it seems he has the time to sit at home and brood over his relationship with his grandfather and then complain to ME, which has caused great discord among us all.
Reading your blog tonight has been an incredible encouragement to me that maybe my dad genuinely cannot hold a job right now, in spite of his history. Before I read your blog, I was asking the Lord to help me honor my dad, because I had next to zero in compassion for him because of the way he complains to me. But reading your blog, I have once again found compassion for my dad. What in the world can I do for him? I feel so helpless. The burden lays heavily on me because I am his only child, and my husband and I have 3 small children and are going through serious financial hardship. More than anything I would covet your prayers, but if you have any further wisdom or comments in the situation I would very much appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Jeannie
Duluth, Georgia
First, I have to praise God! He is all-knowing and ever meeting our needs beyond my understanding. These blogs on disability are an answer to prayer for me. I will try to make this short...
I live in Georgia but am currently visiting with my dad and grandparents in Kentucky. This is an extremely strained/stressful visit as you will see...My dad is 55 years old and has had debilitating pain since 1999. He has been through SIX, yes count them, SIX surgeries since that time trying to fix him! Two on his backthe second was a redo of the infected first surgery, three on his neck, and a series of major blood transfusions because they thought he had some kind of immunity or nerve disease. He has since discovered that the back surgery was a wrong guess and therefore has a steel lower back for nothing! The blood transfusions were a wasted guess as well. He is supposed to go in about six months, possibly, for surgery number seven on his neck.
He went bankrupt a few years ago from all the time not working due to pain/surgeries. He is at home right now, no work, on Social Security Disability and Veterans Affairs benefits. He sits around the house and tries to bear his pain with endless medications and supplements, all seeming to no avail. He is considering truck driving, and the VA will pay for his Commercial Drivers License schooling only once he is well. He has no money left over every month and basically can barely leave the house.
I am very depressed about the whole situation because I have felt all my lifeeven before 1999that my dad has had trouble holding jobs and has been mostly self-employed sporadically. So I have been feeling angry at him for not working to support himself and his wife, who is on benefits herself.
His failure to provide is especially distressing in light of this passage:
"For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat. For we hear that there are some which walk among you disorderly, working not at all, but are busybodies. Now them that are such we command and exhort by our Lord Jesus Christ, that with quietness they work, and eat their own bread" (2 Thess. 3:10-12).
This passage distresses me because my dad also does not get along with my grandfather, his dad, mostly about work, business and money issues, and it seems he has the time to sit at home and brood over his relationship with his grandfather and then complain to ME, which has caused great discord among us all.
Reading your blog tonight has been an incredible encouragement to me that maybe my dad genuinely cannot hold a job right now, in spite of his history. Before I read your blog, I was asking the Lord to help me honor my dad, because I had next to zero in compassion for him because of the way he complains to me. But reading your blog, I have once again found compassion for my dad. What in the world can I do for him? I feel so helpless. The burden lays heavily on me because I am his only child, and my husband and I have 3 small children and are going through serious financial hardship. More than anything I would covet your prayers, but if you have any further wisdom or comments in the situation I would very much appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Jeannie
Duluth, Georgia
I responded to Jeannie the same night I got this. It seemed like God was working, so I didnt want to miss the opportunity. Heres some of my response,
Hi Jeannie,
Thanks for taking the time to write and tell me about how God used my blog. I'm thrilled to hear about it!
My heart goes out to you and your dad. I can't imagine the pain of six surgeries. In my case, even though I'm a candidate for surgery, I've been counseled against it by a rehabilitative doctor. Your dad and I are both proof that medicine is a practice and not a proven science or trade. There is so much mankind doesn't know about the body.
Your scripture from 2 Thessalonians is almost as painful as the one from 1 Timothy 5:8,
Both of these verses caused me no small amount of trouble until I realized that they must be taken in context. They are referring to men who are healthy or at least able to perform work. I am not able to judge the situation well, but from what you described, it sounds like your father has had years of pain before he opted for surgery. After the initial injury, I went for 5 or 6 years, working as close to normal as I could. Then, about 1999-2001, things got worse because I took a fall down the stairs twice. I had to take more sick leave than I had coming to me. I eventually had to go on intermittent FMLA before I was laid off from my last job. Now I can't work full-time anymore because of the pain. It is a progression, unfortunately, that medicine has been thus far unable to stop.
As far as any advice I might have, here are a couple of things that I might bring into my blog later that might be relevant to your current situation. I am no professional. I only am speaking from my own limited experience here.
As a child, I had an undiagnosed learning disorder. I was putting out twice the effort of other students and getting half the results. As a result, some teachers declared me to be lazy, undisciplined, etc. We found out about the disorder a few years later and after treatment my grades shot up with me working less. Still, the scars from those labels remained and when I found myself unable to work, they reared their ugly heads. I had an enormous amount of self-talk that was saying, "You're just lazy. You don't want to work. You've grown soft." When I'd get up and try to do something about it however, the pain would knock me down and I would be unable to get out of bed. For example, going for a job interview in Iowa, the travel put a huge strain on me and I was practically beside myself in pain on the flight home. Both you and your dad have voices from the past speaking to you. Don't let them dictate how you respond to your family's needs.
Chronic pain isolates. It sets you apart from other people and makes you feel like others don't really understand what you're going through. Being that he's cut off from his father, his network of support sounds really strained and tenuous. He needs more people. I would pray for God to guide me how to best encourage him and reaffirm my love.
Last, let God guide you on what you are supposed to do for your dad. If you lack wisdom, ask God and he'll give it to you (James 1). Talk to your pastor or local homeschool support group leader. Ask them about parents with disabilities and if they know of others dealing with this issue. Build your own support network. You'd be surprised how many you'll find. You could even start a blog at HSB because HSB is a great way to build support for homeschooling families on the internet. I still believe that in-person relationships are the best though at letting you "Bear one another's burdens." But building support of any kind will help you as you face the coming months.
Thanks for taking the time to write and tell me about how God used my blog. I'm thrilled to hear about it!
My heart goes out to you and your dad. I can't imagine the pain of six surgeries. In my case, even though I'm a candidate for surgery, I've been counseled against it by a rehabilitative doctor. Your dad and I are both proof that medicine is a practice and not a proven science or trade. There is so much mankind doesn't know about the body.
Your scripture from 2 Thessalonians is almost as painful as the one from 1 Timothy 5:8,
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Both of these verses caused me no small amount of trouble until I realized that they must be taken in context. They are referring to men who are healthy or at least able to perform work. I am not able to judge the situation well, but from what you described, it sounds like your father has had years of pain before he opted for surgery. After the initial injury, I went for 5 or 6 years, working as close to normal as I could. Then, about 1999-2001, things got worse because I took a fall down the stairs twice. I had to take more sick leave than I had coming to me. I eventually had to go on intermittent FMLA before I was laid off from my last job. Now I can't work full-time anymore because of the pain. It is a progression, unfortunately, that medicine has been thus far unable to stop.
As far as any advice I might have, here are a couple of things that I might bring into my blog later that might be relevant to your current situation. I am no professional. I only am speaking from my own limited experience here.
As a child, I had an undiagnosed learning disorder. I was putting out twice the effort of other students and getting half the results. As a result, some teachers declared me to be lazy, undisciplined, etc. We found out about the disorder a few years later and after treatment my grades shot up with me working less. Still, the scars from those labels remained and when I found myself unable to work, they reared their ugly heads. I had an enormous amount of self-talk that was saying, "You're just lazy. You don't want to work. You've grown soft." When I'd get up and try to do something about it however, the pain would knock me down and I would be unable to get out of bed. For example, going for a job interview in Iowa, the travel put a huge strain on me and I was practically beside myself in pain on the flight home. Both you and your dad have voices from the past speaking to you. Don't let them dictate how you respond to your family's needs.
Chronic pain isolates. It sets you apart from other people and makes you feel like others don't really understand what you're going through. Being that he's cut off from his father, his network of support sounds really strained and tenuous. He needs more people. I would pray for God to guide me how to best encourage him and reaffirm my love.
Last, let God guide you on what you are supposed to do for your dad. If you lack wisdom, ask God and he'll give it to you (James 1). Talk to your pastor or local homeschool support group leader. Ask them about parents with disabilities and if they know of others dealing with this issue. Build your own support network. You'd be surprised how many you'll find. You could even start a blog at HSB because HSB is a great way to build support for homeschooling families on the internet. I still believe that in-person relationships are the best though at letting you "Bear one another's burdens." But building support of any kind will help you as you face the coming months.
Lord, bless Jeannie and her family. Provide for their needs. Take care of even the smallest issues among them. Help them to pray and seek your face in the coming days and weeks, to be a minister of the peace you brought to us. Help us to hear your words and obey them, to listen and respond. Hold Jeannie's dad right now, God. Bless him. Lift him up. Give him supernatural clarity and wisdom on what he has to do to restore his neck and back. Lord, if you are willing, we ask that you heal him and deliver him from this constant pain. Make his life one of joy and healing. Minister to his heart and the wounds that so often come through this sort of injury. Restore him to your life and peace. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
Please pray for Jeannie and her family, especially her father and stepmother.
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