Posted in Fatherhood
This last week with the court decision affecting our finances has been hard, but the worst came last night. My parents and I are very close and they come over every couple of weeks to check up on us, help me take care of the house, play with their grandkids and play cards with my wife and I. We have a 7-year string of Reno Rummy games that just won't quit. Last night was probably around our 200th game. We're at the table playing and my dad casually asked, "So, when are you going to start listing the house for sale?"
Now, my folks know about our situation with the court, but I had assumed that my mom passed on to my dad that my wife and I had prayed repeatedly and we both felt that we couldn't sell the house and remain faithful to God. We believed (still do) that God was going to somehow take care of us. As a result, I never expected the question and it blindsided me. I'd like to say that I articulated what we believed God had told us what he would do, but the casualness and bluntness of the question sent me into a spiritual and intellectual tailspin and, to my shame, all that came out was an R-rated version of "go jump in the lake." Instantly, my dad and I were eyeball-to-eyeball and my dad threatened something until my mom asked him to stop. I backed down and excused myself at the next possible moment.
Not a great moment. In fact, this was perhaps the most distressing moment I can ever remember in my life. As adults, my dad and I are so close and this was like an atom bomb going off between us. Suddenly I was back to 15 going on 25, ready to take him on. This simple exchange had just blown up a perfectly good game of cards and my relationship with my dad was a smoldering ruin.
I went away to my bedroom as the shock of what had just happened began to melt into a boiling froth of anger, disbelief and a seething rage. It was as if all that financial pressure and the sting of my dad's words transformed into some kind of aggression that I had never known before. Additionally, my natural desire to protect and provide for my family, so long denied because of my condition, had twisted into a destructive despair that messed with every thought I had. I was a total mess! Finally, my wife came up and helped talk me down. She explained how my mom was working with my dad and that he wasn't aware of some of the things we had told her. I calmed down a bit and eventually, I went downstairs.
My dad and mom were cleaning up the cards and stuff off the table and I was still not sure what to do as I went to pick up my laptop. I turned to go upstairs when my dad said, "Steve, I'm sorry that--" which was all he got out before I turned and ran into his arms. I locked with him in a big bear hug as I tried to get my apology out between tears and gasps for air. I don't think either of us knew how much our relationship mattered to us. If there's one man on earth whose opinion I value, it's his.
We sat down across from each other and I spelled out my convictions about our circumstances and how strongly I believed in them. I couldn't change them and as I professed what I believed God would do, I felt like everything that I was just was stripped away. My dad explained how he hadn't known about how we felt and how he just concluded that the only option would be selling our house, not realizing that our breaking even is impossible.
After that, we actually got back to playing cards! Things were not as awkward as they could have been, although it wasn't entirely normal. Today, my dad, my son and I went on a short ice fishing trip and after talking on the trip, we still don't totally see eye to eye, but he's agreed to support me in what I believe and help any way he can. To be honest, if we were in each other's shoes, I probably would believe him to be a bit crazy and setting himself up for a disappointment by believing in a miracle. Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I have very little hope of making it out of this situation. But I know God is watching over me. I know He will take care of me and my family. I would surrender this house if I felt that's what He wanted, but I believe He wants us to hang onto this house. I trust Him to know what He's doing.
Please pray for us. I'm scared, but I know my God loves me and will protect me and my family. I trust him with everything, including this.
Now, my folks know about our situation with the court, but I had assumed that my mom passed on to my dad that my wife and I had prayed repeatedly and we both felt that we couldn't sell the house and remain faithful to God. We believed (still do) that God was going to somehow take care of us. As a result, I never expected the question and it blindsided me. I'd like to say that I articulated what we believed God had told us what he would do, but the casualness and bluntness of the question sent me into a spiritual and intellectual tailspin and, to my shame, all that came out was an R-rated version of "go jump in the lake." Instantly, my dad and I were eyeball-to-eyeball and my dad threatened something until my mom asked him to stop. I backed down and excused myself at the next possible moment.
Not a great moment. In fact, this was perhaps the most distressing moment I can ever remember in my life. As adults, my dad and I are so close and this was like an atom bomb going off between us. Suddenly I was back to 15 going on 25, ready to take him on. This simple exchange had just blown up a perfectly good game of cards and my relationship with my dad was a smoldering ruin.
I went away to my bedroom as the shock of what had just happened began to melt into a boiling froth of anger, disbelief and a seething rage. It was as if all that financial pressure and the sting of my dad's words transformed into some kind of aggression that I had never known before. Additionally, my natural desire to protect and provide for my family, so long denied because of my condition, had twisted into a destructive despair that messed with every thought I had. I was a total mess! Finally, my wife came up and helped talk me down. She explained how my mom was working with my dad and that he wasn't aware of some of the things we had told her. I calmed down a bit and eventually, I went downstairs.
My dad and mom were cleaning up the cards and stuff off the table and I was still not sure what to do as I went to pick up my laptop. I turned to go upstairs when my dad said, "Steve, I'm sorry that--" which was all he got out before I turned and ran into his arms. I locked with him in a big bear hug as I tried to get my apology out between tears and gasps for air. I don't think either of us knew how much our relationship mattered to us. If there's one man on earth whose opinion I value, it's his.
We sat down across from each other and I spelled out my convictions about our circumstances and how strongly I believed in them. I couldn't change them and as I professed what I believed God would do, I felt like everything that I was just was stripped away. My dad explained how he hadn't known about how we felt and how he just concluded that the only option would be selling our house, not realizing that our breaking even is impossible.
After that, we actually got back to playing cards! Things were not as awkward as they could have been, although it wasn't entirely normal. Today, my dad, my son and I went on a short ice fishing trip and after talking on the trip, we still don't totally see eye to eye, but he's agreed to support me in what I believe and help any way he can. To be honest, if we were in each other's shoes, I probably would believe him to be a bit crazy and setting himself up for a disappointment by believing in a miracle. Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I have very little hope of making it out of this situation. But I know God is watching over me. I know He will take care of me and my family. I would surrender this house if I felt that's what He wanted, but I believe He wants us to hang onto this house. I trust Him to know what He's doing.
Please pray for us. I'm scared, but I know my God loves me and will protect me and my family. I trust him with everything, including this.
