I'm sorry I haven't written enough in a while. I've been trying to learn a new part-time job and because there is no manual for doing it, just a lot of "stuff," it gets a little stressful at times.
The kids bought a Playstation 2 with their birthday money this year and the scary thing is that I usually end up the one who plays it the most. It takes my mind off my symptoms and lets me focus on something that isn't necessarily work or writing. It also is something I can do when I can't really sit up and type.
The good news is that our house is no longer in immediate danger. YES! Thank you, God! We will not lose this house for financial reasons, just like God promised us over four years ago. Do we really deserve it? Who knows? Why is ours spared when so many these days are not? I don't have a good answer for that at this point. I do know that our home group will not be interrupted, which is huge. I know our family didn't have anywhere to go and the stress would have made my condition spiral, possibly for a long time.
I also see the number of things we've learned through all of this. When people would ask how we were doing, I wanted to tell them that we were just being reminded of how vulnerable we all are to losing what we hold dear. What a conversation stopper! But it's true. We are all just the next breath away from losing everything, unless God continues to provide us with oxygen for our brains, food for our stomachs, water for our mouths and clothes for our bodies. Only God's grace lets us live however many days we have. Although I would have likely denied it, I really was living my life by a subtle twist of belief that if I tried to do everything according to God's will, I wouldn't suffer. I now know that the road God has laid out for each of us can include pain and suffering for its own sake, not just as a corrective measure.
That isn't something that you see in the front of the church bulletin. It's not popular for discussion. There are even some out there that would say this is heresy, that God would never lead his children into suffering. These are probably the same people that don't understand Job very well. I'm not saying I'm as righteous as Job, but if God can lead him through that wilderness of pain, he certainly can lead others through similar circumstances. We don't want to hear that, though. We'd rather seek God by saying "Bless me! Bless me and mine!" That's because we think too little of the prize and too much of this vapor of a life, myself included. Still, like Rich Mullins said, "I don't want to lose the eternal for the things that are passing."
That said, I'm relieved we are not losing our home. I'm truly grateful for so many praying for us and helping us. My children have a roof over their head and don't have to worry about losing it. That is a blessing to me.
The more I live in Christ, the more I realize how much it all relates back to that sacrifice of love on the cross and the Man Who made it for us. The deeper I go into my faith in Him, the more I understand about His love for me. It is no longer about gaining understanding or pursuing knowledge about God. Instead it’s about letting Him do what He wants with me and letting Him reveal Himself, Who He is as my provider, my shield, my comfort, my strength and my deliverer. The more He leads me through the wilderness, the more I depend on Him. I trust Him in those moments because of His love and His sacrifice for me. I am His child, bought with a price. That is one thing that affects me every day of my life.
I don't know if a whole lot of folks remember the group White Heart, but I was a big fan of their music. They had a song called Montana Sky that Rob Rumfelt used for some inspiration and follows the lyrics pretty well. You can download it from his site or watch it here on YouTube. It's worth the watch, once you get past the "Google Earth" beginning. (Caveat: Some still pictures from the crucifixion in The Passion of the Christ are used).
I loved that song. When this song was new, I wanted to do the same thing that Rumfelt did. I wanted to do that with a lot of the songs that moved me. Alas, the cinematographer in me never flourished. I had to be content watching Ric Florian dance around in an abandoned railyard. Oh well.
Brings to mind the line the prodigal's father said, "My son was once dead to me, now he's alive! He was lost, but now he's found!" We come alive to Christ every time we turn back to him.
Hopeful. Believing in what God has done and allowing belief to affect your outlook.
Hopeless. Cutting off all belief of what God has done and allowing disbelief to affect your outlook.
The journey between hopeless and hopeful is impossible for us to make without believing God and Who He says He is. It is impossible to know God without studying His Word, the Bible. Therefore, the first step from hopeless to hopeful is reading God's Word to know Him and His character. It is from this that we know that,
God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Prov 3:34
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Ps 84:11
I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints— but let them not return to folly. Surely his salvation is near those who fear him, that his glory may dwell in our land. Ps 85:8-9
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me. Ps 86:5-7
God will restore hope. We call to Him and He will answer. You can call to Him and He will answer. This is your first step.
I've been having vivid dreams lately. Most of them are subconscious stuff, the things I mull over in my mind during the day or things that haven't been resolved. However, a week ago, I had a dream that we were weathering a hurricane in Florida. I've never been in one, so I can only wonder how much my dream would stack up against the real thing. We were in this solid, sturdy house that was beautiful on the inside and oddly enough, it had a lot of un-boarded-up glass. That's not the best thing for weathering hurricanes!
The storm let up and we went outside to look around. The house strikingly remained untouched while everything around was devastated. It was cold and flakes of snow were falling down and gathering in spots. I looked up to see the blue sky and then recognized the "eye wall" cloud. We were in the dead-center of the hurricane! I yelled for everyone to get back inside and we barely made it back in before the storm hit again with the same fury. The storm raged, but I had a great deal of trust that the house would hold against the storm.
When I woke up, the thing that stuck out in my mind wasn't the storm's fury. It was the snow in a hurricane in Florida! How could there be snow in a hurricane? It stuck out so much in my mind that I told my wife about it. When we're at a crossroads, God tends to send us dreams that have specific messages, but this one didn't have a readily apparent meaning aside from us weathering our financial storm, which was encouraging enough.
Then today, my wife read a post by a friend about snow and it dovetailed right into the dream, giving us further meaning. Through our circumstances, we are seeing how faith (snow), real honest-to-God faith, is coming through this storm in the most unlikely of environments, one that should melt faith down but is seeing it survive and propagate instead. Our house still stands by faith through the storm.
There's no pretty way to say it, at least not one that comes to mind. The decision went against us.
I know part of me is still in shock. We honestly expected the decision to go our way. Yet here we are. We don't know what to do or where to turn. Somehow, I don't think that's what we need to be doing now. My nature is to jump up, rally the troops and throw everything we've got at survival. My nature is to deny God the chance to do what He wants with me.
If he said, "Go back to work," I wouldn't hesitate. I've asked him to heal me so that I can provide for my family. His answer is no, every time. If anything, my condition has worsened over time. I know and believe God will heal me when He says He will. If that's at the end of this sentence or at the resurrection, I welcome it. Until then, I intend to concentrate on the important things and not chase my tail trying to fix it all. Mary sat at Jesus' feet while He taught, and Martha fumed as she flailed away in the kitchen. I wait on Jesus to tell me His will for the next moment.
I grew up in Colorado and for years, my father and I took the back country roads and trails. Some were state highways. Some were about as wide as three finger-widths. Now, some 30 years after those adventures began, for the last two and a half years, my family has been experiencing financial difficulties. In terms of faith, this has been one of those high and daring roads, one that's three finger-widths from disaster.
This afternoon, we received word that the decision we've been waiting for has been made, but due to legal reasons, we won't know what the decision is for a day or two. This news comes to us as we are trying to keep our house from foreclosure.
There is not one moment we haven't depended on God to take care of us . He has given us everything we've needed by every source imaginable when we've needed it. Walking out this faith has not been easy for us, and our children are witnessing the high and low points of it all. If nothing else, this is giving our children an empirical knowledge of God and how He works in people's lives.
Since receiving the news, my wife and I sat down with the kids and told them the news about our mortgage company's latest demand as well as the impending decision. I told the kids that no matter what happens, we need to keep our eyes on God as our provider. God's ability to provide for us doesn't depend on the will of a few people. We just have to wait and be obedient. We all prayed together as a family and afterwards all three kids (even our 4 year old) told us that they felt the Holy Spirit telling them that God will make a way to provide for us. That makes everything we've been through worth it! It thrills me to know that they are learning to trust Him, not just learning to trust an employer or a bank account. I wouldn't have picked this road for my family if I had a choice, but I'm glad that God knows where we're at. He knows our names. We have put our faith in Him. He continues to lead us on this high and daring road.
Whenever God causes a single passage or multiple passages of the Bible to pass under my eyes more than once, I pay attention. It's just something I've learned. When God re-iterates, He means something by it.
1 Samuel 17
17 Now Jesse said to his son David, "Take this ephah of roasted grain and these ten loaves of bread for your brothers and hurry to their camp. 18 Take along these ten cheeses to the commander of their unit. See how your brothers are and bring back some assurance from them. 19 They are with Saul and all the men of Israel in the Valley of Elah, fighting against the Philistines."
20 Early in the morning David left the flock with a shepherd, loaded up and set out, as Jesse had directed. He reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry. 21 Israel and the Philistines were drawing up their lines facing each other. 22 David left his things with the keeper of supplies, ran to the battle lines and greeted his brothers. 23 As he was talking with them, Goliath, the Philistine champion from Gath, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it. 24 When the Israelites saw the man, they all ran from him in great fear.
25 Now the Israelites had been saying, "Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his father's family from taxes in Israel."
26 David asked the men standing near him, "What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?"
27 They repeated to him what they had been saying and told him, "This is what will be done for the man who kills him."
28 When Eliab, David's oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he burned with anger at him and asked, "Why have you come down here? And with whom did you leave those few sheep in the desert? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came down only to watch the battle."
29 "Now what have I done?" said David. "Can't I even speak?" 30 He then turned away to someone else and brought up the same matter, and the men answered him as before.
Ever notice that the ones closest to you seem to diagnose your heart? Usually it's your family and if you're in a good family, they tend to help you know yourself, and that's good in certain situations. But David didn't come from one of those families.
Eliab takes what he knows about his little brother, that he's arrogant, conceited, strong and anxious for conflict. He had probably heard David's story about the lion and the bear and concluded that it was an idle shepherd's fantasy. David was young, ignorant and irresponsible in his eyes. He thought that David was bored and wanted to see the battle. He saw David and his situation, and his knowledge of him made him think he could judge David's heart. Ironically, Eliab was present when Samuel had anointed David as king.
16:6 When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, "Surely the LORD's anointed stands here before the LORD."
7 But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."
Eliab looked like a king. Eliab convinced Samuel with one look that he was worthy of being a king. Eliab's heart, however, knew nothing of God's heart, and God rejected him for the kingdom of Israel. Now Eliab was sitting in judgment over David's heart. God knew that crow was going to be served in due time.
"Now what?" David answers. It's not the first time he's argued with Eliab and it's likely that Eliab had accused him more than once of failing the family. David can't believe someone hasn't stepped forward to fight Goliath, while Eliab--he can't believe David's audaciousness and naivety. He uses accusation to push David off and keep him from exposing the collective cowardice of the army in what seems like a hopeless situation.
Seems hopeless...seems... Judging on appearances is something Eliab is good at. It something a lot of people are good at, but it's not what God uses to judge the heart of a person. David would be honored because his heart was right.
My situation looks hopeless. I am disabled and unable to work. My family and I have a Goliath and he looks pretty mean. I know my heart is right with God. I have no other way than through this Goliath, and God alone will get the glory. Others may have judged me by what they know of me, but that's not what matters. All that really matters is that my God sees me and knows where I am and what I face. He will not leave me, and all I have to do is what He's taught me to do. I am with Him, and He knows my name.
