Apr. 23, 2007 - Marriage and All That
"But if you do marry, you do not sin... But those who marry will face many troubles in this life. " 1 Cor 7:28
Trouble with marriage? WHAT? Could it be true? Could the Bible really be accurate here?!?!
Sho'nuf!
Scott and I love each other very much and are committed to our marriage for life. But we have hard times. Sometimes really hard times. The past year has probably been our toughest. We don't really fight very often, but we have been distant and more like roommates co-existing than the best friends and crazy-about-each-other-lovers we want to be and used to be. I was sad and lonely and wondering if I should just settle and accept where we were and not long for more. But deep down, I knew God desires more for us.
I began reading Love and Respect last month and then found out from one of my great cyber friends that the author travels and presents conferences based on the book. Scott and I went to one this past weekend and I am so, so glad we did. It was so good for us and gave us common language to use. We had several really important conversations. And more than anything, I think, the conference was good for Scott- he never would have read the book. 
This particular conference validates the husband so much and explains things they often can't even express for themselves. In the 30 hours since we've been home, I've heard him tell six people that "this conference was a good one for a man."
For us specifically, the Love and Respect concept hit the nail on the head. Basically, Dr. Eggerichs shares that women need and desire love and are motivated by love. We easily SHOW love, expecting that it will then motivate our husbands to show us love. But men need and desire respect and are motivated by respect. As a culture in general, we've been told and we believe that respect must be earned. Not so, says God.
Ephesians 5:33 states very clearly: "However, each one of you also must LOVE his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must RESPECT her husband." Women are designed to love, and it comes naturally. But it is more difficult for us to respect. Hence the command! :)
I thought I got the whole submission/respect angle. What I didn't recognize, though, is that I must give UNCONDITIONAL respect. No matter what. And I haven't been doing that.
I didn't realize it consciously, and I was unaware of how often I neglected to show him respect. In little ways, I was showing my husband an incredible amount of disrespect. I ask him why he did something the way he did. Or I tell him in my tone of voice that I think his idea isn't good. Or I question his plan.
Men and women are so different from each other in what we desire and in what motivates us. Which can lead to "many troubles." :)
Without love, she reacts without respect. Without respect, he reacts without love. Can you see where that would lead? It leads to the "crazy cycle," which is hard to change!
So I must learn better to show respect even when I don't feel loved, even when I don't see things to respect. I must respect him simply because I was told to, and because he was made in God's image.
My husband is an incredible man and he deserves better than me. I'm so thankful he chose me and puts up with me and that we have new tools to use to continue to grow together. I pray that God is glorified in our marriage and in our honesty about it.
I hope you have people to be honest with about your struggles, and godly people you can turn to for tools and wisdom.
I know tough times in marriage can be a hot topic. Women can get to husband-bashing, and some Christian wives even bash other wives who are honest about their struggles. Christian women with judgemental spirits can also severely wound those who have lost their marriages. I've seen it and it breaks my heart.
I have a feeling we all experience similar things at different seasons of our marriages. I pray that when my daughters are grown, they will have women around them who will love them with grace and mercy and wisdom and not condemnation if they confess that they are struggling or hurting in their marriages.
I am thankful for the body of Christ when it works the way it should, embracing and edifying and encouraging. And many of YOU have been that to me. Thank you.
I would love your prayers that what I learned and what God showed to me this weekend would lead me to love and respect my husband better.
Comments
Apr. 23, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by nsremom
Now THAT was a marriage post. preach on sister! I thought your husband was the minister! You've ministered to many ladies by your blog, just so you know.
I've watched the DVD of the show (that Gayle went to) and it was pretty spot-on on everything, huh?
Know matter how awesome a couples marriage is, it's good to remind ourselves that the command to respect is from Him, and the command to love is from Him. Then, it's not about our spouse at all. :)
I'm still debating posting my post about marriage. It's not about what you posted, but I also don't have the thing well thought out like you do. We'll see if I ever 'bash' myself and my stupid sinnin' self.
Apr. 23, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by 2peter318
I've heard the whole respect thing before, but I didn't really pay attention. I know there are many times I, too, disrespect my husband. Thinking he didn't deserve it at the time. Thank you for allowing the Lord to use you to show me where I'm wrong. Maybe we can pray for each other in this area. :)
JoAnn
Apr. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by mycrazylife
Hi Cindy Lou!
Missed ya! I'm so glad you enjoyed the conference! Now comes the application. This is where I have trouble! I have always struggled with that command and after some of the things you have heard, I'm sure you know why! Maybe I need a different definition of respect..hmmm.. something to ponder.
So, on another note...the suspense is killing me..hint hint ;)
Apr. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by grace4gayle
I LOVE your honesty! I bet you've helped tons of women by sharing your experiences. And you did it in a way that was very respectful to your husband.
I think sometimes we do a disservice to each other by not being honest about our marriage struggles in a productive way. Your transparency is awesome!
Gayle
Apr. 24, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by EEEEMommy
I haven't read that book, but I've been taught along those lines, so the concept isn't revolutionary.
While I thought I was doing a pretty good job of showing my husband respect, because I really do respect him, just reading this post has convicted me of a few different ways that I have been disrespectful toward him lately. Sigh!
Thanks for sharing!
Apr. 25, 2007 - Thanks for sharing
Posted by pottershand
I was introduced to "Love and Respect" a last year. It is amazing how much disrespect we can show when we are being conscious of it. I'm so thankful for the teaching I received as well. My husband and I have a good marriage and just recently we hit our biggest trial. I know the devil was attempting to destroy us. But my God is so much bigger and He joined us together so that no one could separate us.
Apr. 25, 2007 - Great post!
Posted by arajbrown
There is a website called Revive Our Hearts ... Nancy Leigh DeMoss is the founder I believe. They have a 30 day Encourage Your Husband Challenge that is powerful. It reminded me of the little things I do and shouldn't ... and the little things I don't do and should! There's even an email reminder that helped me stay on track. I'll be lookin' for that book!
Blessings!
Apr. 25, 2007 - marriage
Posted by berrymorin
I really enjoyed reading your post. My husband and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary tomorrow. I definitely understand what you mean about rough times. Things have been much better the past 2 years.
I will be checking out your link that you provided.
Apr. 28, 2007 - Thank you!
Posted by Anonymous
Thank you so much for sharing. I chanced upon your blog... God works through my 'puter!!! Seriously, it was SO what I needed to read, so applicable, and helpful. Thank you again, and God bless! Naomi
