Jul. 26, 2006 - Hard Pressed, But Not Crushed.

 I came here to post about my rotten day. My daughter freaked out at the dentist. She never has, it's always my son.  But daughter is my special needs child- and has had a bad week.   She was out of control at the dentist.  The dentist got frustrated and suggested we find another dentist.  Sigh.

I came home upset.  Then  I spent all afternoon making a GF/CF cake for my husband's birthday tomorrow. I even spent over an hour making it look like part of a golf course for him. Then, while I was going to get my shoes out of the bedroom - our dog somehow got on the counter and ate half the cake. More sighs.

I won't even mention our lunch experience.  It wasn't pretty. Sigh, again.

Before I came here to post- I went to a forum I like to visit and read a little.  There were so many problems.  Sick children, hurting moms, marriages in trouble, Cancer, unemployment, Autism.  The list goes on and on.  Much bigger problems than my cake.

As I was reading the posts- I was reminded of these verses:

2 Cor. 4:

8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 

Now I am praying for peaceful sleep and tender mercies for tomorrow. Praying for God's grace to be poured out in abundance on my life and in the lives of these strangers that I have come to love.  Praying we don't despair.  Praying the life of Jesus is being revealed in us!  After all, we hold this Great Treasure in these jars of clay.

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Jul. 19, 2006 - I am not a Super Hero!

I admit it.  I've tried to be a super hero.  I've tried to save marriages, help with other homeschoolers, baby-sit family members, take food to sick friends, organize church events, teach my own children, spend quality time with my husband,  do therapy with my special daughter, keep the house clean, cook nutritious, delicious, gluten free meals, shop frugally, plan birthday parties, send cards to everyone in our church that has a birthday, keep the church nursery, raise money for a good cause, stay on top of current events, have a quiet time daily, exercise, pray, call discouraged friends and family, and sell things on Ebay. 

And that was just this week! 

But today, I'm just tired.  I'm discouraged.  I'm struck by the fact that I can't do everything.  I can't save the world.  Alone, I am incapable of even managing my own home.  All the schedules in the world won't help me come up with the extra hours in the day that I need.  I need rest and peace and quiet.  I need order.  And I need to be able to delegate some of my projects to others.  I need to know what is necessary and what isn't.  I need strength for the tasks.

Fortunately, I have a Father that can manage my home through me.  He can give me the strength I need.  He gives me wisdom to make decisions.  I believe He even gave me this overwhelming fatigue so I can slow down and re-evaluate my need for Him.  He has made me to wait on Him, to depend upon Him, to trust in Him.

2Cor. 12:9

9But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

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Jul. 11, 2006 - Silent and Sovereign

My pastor has been speaking on how God is often silent, but He is always sovereign.  This post was spurred by my pastor's teachings and my study of my son's ancient history books.

I know God is at work in the world today- but every time I turn on the news, I have to wonder what He is doing.  He seems distant from today's world.  The world right now is so full of violence, hatred.  Even in my own life I have friends with cancer, friends with major marital problems, friends in great financial stress.  I need to know, and maybe you do too, that God is still sovereign.  He still has a plan. 

I know that He who began a good work in me- will be faithful to complete it.    Often we hear a clear word from God- and then all of a sudden He is silent.  Often for a very long time.  But even in His silence, He is sovereign. 

 Think of Esther.  God's name is no where in the whole story.  But He is there, working, and saving His people. 

I was thinking about it last night while reading a history book. I've been reading of the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt.  God had Moses come at exactly the right time.   

 Can you believe that in the Bible there are 400 years of silence between the Old and New testaments?  That is a LOT of silence.  But I can see while I am reading history, how He was setting the stage for Jesus to be born.  Augustus Caesar made the world ready- roads, a common language, trade. 

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Jul. 3, 2006 - 10 Years Ago-

Ten years ago today, my husband, our only child, our golden retriever and I moved from the state I had lived in for 15 years.  My husband had lived there his whole life.  He felt the move was the best thing for us.  I wasn't so sure.  We moved from a large city to a very small town.  The adjustment was tough.  My sister was there and so was my mother.  But we had no friends, no church and my husband was at work all the time.

In a year or so, I felt comfortable there.  We found a church made a few friends and started feeling at home.  Later, a daughter was added.  Soon after, God led us to a different church a little farther from home.  Then, 6 years after we moved, my husband was moved to a different office- in the same town as our church.  Another daughter was born and we decided to move again.  This time, only 30 miles away.

Again, we moved on July 3.  Our new church showed up and moved us, unpacked us, cooked for us and loved us.  God has made them part of our family.  What a blessing it has been.  These people have loved us more than I would have imagined.

Looking back over the last 10 years today, I see God's hand gently leading us all the way.  Doors  opened at His will  and we walked through, never sure what was on the other side, but always sure we never walked alone.  We've had trials and struggles.  We've had heartaches and disappointments.  But we've also had victories and celebrations! I am so thankful that we are where we are.  I am so glad that He led us here, even when we weren't sure.  I am thankful for this family He alone has given us!

Is. 48:17

This is what the LORD says—
       your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel:
       "I am the LORD your God,
       who teaches you what is best for you,
       who directs you in the way you should go."

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Jun. 27, 2006 - My Great Experiment

My great experiment.  That is how I refer to my oldest child.  After all- everything we done as parents, we've tried out on him.  If it works, we've kept it.  If it doesn't- we've tossed it, and begged God for mercy.    It seems that the way it is with parents.  We try so hard to get everything right, especially with our firstborn.  We keep them extra clean.  We push them to excel.  We expect them to be perfect- a little reflection of ourselves.  It isn't always good for the little experiment.  They often grow up to be less flexible.  And let's not forget how quiet they need it to be so they can sleep!  We love them dearly.

We've experimented with schooling our first child, too.  We tried preschool.  He cried every day not to go.  But we thought it was good for him.  I thank God that He showed us that sending that precious boy away from home wasn't the best plan for our family.   We have loved him, cherished him, pushed him, disciplined him and taught him.  And somehow, he seems to be turning out to be a great young man!

My firstborn, our only boy, has a special place in my heart.  He was my only until he was almost 5.  Our personalities are so similar.  Maybe because I'm a first born, too.  I know we drive my husband crazy.  He is different from us.  He doesn't understand us all the time.  But that is fine- I don't understand him sometimes, either!  But he loves us both- just the way we are.

I wonder if all parents have a special place in their hearts for their firstborn child.  It seems the firstborn son throughout history has a special place in the hearts and mind of his parents.  My mind turns to The Firstborn of God.  God must love Jesus even more than I love my dear son.  Jesus is perfect.  And God was willing to give His life for mine.  It is so hard for me to believe that I am loved that greatly.  His ways are amazing!  His love is unfathomable.  He love me!

His love for me is no experiment.  He never fails.  He never makes mistakes.  He showers us with every good and perfect gift. He longs for me.  He loves me.  

Colossians 1:18

And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.

John 3:16

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not parish, but have everlasting life.

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Jun. 20, 2006 - Clutter

My home is filled with clutter.  There are books all over the place.  Drawings from the kids are on the walls, fridge and bulletin board.  The desk is so cluttered, I can barely see it!  Drawers are filled to overflowing with clothing, toys and stuff. I long for my home to be organized, inviting and fun. I want my home to be a place of peace and rest.  But I must get through all of this clutter.  

My heart feels cluttered, too.

My heart longs to be free from the clutter of distractions, possessions, false idols and discontent.  My heart wants to be a place where Jesus is at home.  A place where He is in control.  A place of peace

So, as I declutter my home this week, I am praying that Jesus will declutter my heart.  I am meditating on Him.  I am seeking Him.  I pray that He will break the chains that bind me, and make me utterly devoted to Him.  I ask for His grace and mercy and rest.  The rest that is only found in Him.

Psalm 19

14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
       be pleasing in your sight,
       O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

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Jun. 16, 2006 - For This Child I Have Prayed

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: 1Samuel 1:27

I am often struck by this verse, uttered by Hannah, Samuel's mother.  I, like Hannah, begged God for one of my children.  After my first was born, we thought we would easily conceive again.  But it didn't happen.  The years were hard on me.  Wanting another member of our family.  Hearing that our friends and family were expecting- and then expecting again was especially difficult.

I remember specifically finding out that a distant relative- a 15 year old girl, was pregnant.  I was heartbroken.  My oldest was 3 by then.  I began to beg God daily for a child.  Not just any child, either.  I very specifically asked for a little girl.  There were no girl grandchildren in the family then- only 4 boys.  I begged God to give me a little girl every day.  At one point, we decided that we would adopt.  And wouldn't you know it- we got pregnant right away!

Going for the ultrasound at 18 weeks was exciting.  We hadn't found out  the sex of the baby with our first, but this time we decided we would.  And there on the screen was a perfectly formed baby girl!  I wept when the doctor told us.  I knew God had answered my prayers.

The birth was uneventful- but full of joy.  My daughter wasn't born on just any day.  She arrived on my dear sister's birthday, and so she bears her name!  We were all elated!  She was an easy baby with a head full of hair!  Everyone thought she was beautiful, especially me.  She was almost 5 years younger than her brother, but he loved.  He even named her!

But as she grew, I began to notice that things weren't always 'right' with this little answer to prayer.  She rarely wanted to be held, instead she preferred to be in her swing.  She was hard to feed, showing strong avoidance of anything with a different texture.  As a toddler, she would beat her head against the wall or the floor, sometimes all day.  Our pediatrician said it was normal, but I knew it wasn't.  She wasn't being disobedient or defiant.  She screamed, sometimes all day long.  Often, it seemed like she didn't hear me when I spoke.  And I was becoming more and more discouraged.  I was sure I wasn't capable of caring for a child like this.  My husband would come home, and I would be crying. I was starting to resent this child.  I couldn't manage her- and our home was anything but joyful.

Then God reminded me that this child was the answer to the prayer that I prayed for 3 years.  This child was His gift to me.  This child had lots to teach me- and to learn from me.  For THIS child I had prayed.  I cried when I remembered.  I asked God to forgive my ungratefulness.  I asked Him to show me how to raise this daughter He had chosen for me.

 I started telling her the story of how I became her mother.  I started telling her every day that I had begged God for a daughter and that she was just what he wanted me to have, she was an answer to prayer.  I didn't know if she understood, but it softened MY heart toward her.  I began to love her with a love that will never fail.

I began reading everything I could find.  It didn't take long to figure out that she was somewhere on the autistic spectrum.  Finding help took longer though.  Eventually, through God's Providence, we found A Hope and A Future.  We began therapy when she was 5.  It was hard work.  It took lots of time.  It still does.  But my beautiful girl stopped screaming so much.  She started making friends and stopped banging her head.  She was starting to be fun to be with.  And my love for her was growing daily!

There are still hard days. At 7 now, she still doesn't read at all.  She doesn't have the skills that most children her age have.  She has temper tantrums sometimes.  Sometimes my heart still breaks for the girl I had expected, the girl I had hoped for.  Some days I cry because she doesn't fit in with the other children her age at church.  But most days I sing because He has given me this Joyful Song, this child who teaches me just how much I need my Father- and how insufficient I am to raise her.  I am learning that He supplies my needs according to His riches in glory.  His mercies really are new every morning.  I could not do this without Him.  And I thank Him for this precious gift He has given me.  He has given me the desires of my heart.

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Jun. 15, 2006 - The Music of My Life

The Music of my life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been in a very reflective mind-frame the last week or so.  Maybe it's because of my recent birthday.  I just turn 39!  And that has caused me to reflect over my life. I've been struck by the fact that my life is stressful, busy and often mundane. I'll never be rich or famous or make much of an impact on the world- outside of my family and a few friends. I've been praying about it- that I will be able to see how my life is impacting those around me, for good or for bad. I've been praying about the parts of 'me' that I gave up when I became a homeschooling mom. I have no regrets, but lately I've noticed how the plans I had before we had kids are totally gone. Anyone else ever feel this way? I don't want to change it- but it is a little like part of me has died.

Any way- we were watching Mr. Holland's Opus the other day. What a great movie. At the end, one his former students makes this speech:

Adult Gertrude Lang: Mr. Holland had a profound
influence on my life and on a lot of lives I know. But
I have a feeling that he considers a great part of his
own life misspent. Rumor had it he was always working
on this symphony of his. And this was going to make him
famous, rich, probably both. But Mr. Holland isn't rich
and he isn't famous, at least not outside of our little
town. So it might be easy for him to think himself a
failure. But he would be wrong, because I think that
he's achieved a success far beyond riches and fame.
Look around you. There is not a life in this room that
you have not touched, and each of us is a better person
because of you. We are your symphony Mr. Holland. We
are the melodies and the notes of your opus. We are the
music of your life.

All of a sudden I realized that my husband and children are my symphony. They are the notes of the songs I'll never write. They are the words of the novels I'll never pen. They are my opus. Christ is allowing me to pour out my life, my heart in them.

They carry the song on.

An instant later I realized something even greater. I am notes in the symphony God is creating. We all are. We are the melodies and notes of His Opus. Why else would He give His only Son- to be sure that this Song goes on.  Let's make our lives a Song of Praise to the Lamb who is worthy.

Revelation 5:9
And they sang a new song: "You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, because you were slain, and with your blood you purchased men for God from every tribe and language and people and nation."

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