I woke up this morning feeling like a patient the day after surgery; a little sore and dazed, but understanding a new beginning has dawned for me.
The surgery was yesterday. It wasn't a literal surgery, but as painful as one. My husband and I moved our daughter, first born baby, into her dorm room. She will attend The University of Akron, the same college I did, beginning Monday. The irony of the whole move was the constant stream of '80's music playing in the courtyard of the North quad. Hearing the music, walking towards a dorm which my friend had lived in some 25 years ago, but this time with my daughter as its newest resident did not help me feel festive or joyful as intended. Instead, it brought to me a flood of college memories and a realization that my daughter's adult life was beginning that day. It was the overture of independent living for her and all her peers.
The lump in my throat grew large and those dreaded tears began to flow down my cheeks. I looked around at all the excitement. Gold and blue balloons aloft, music playing, upper classmen dressed in special t-shirts carrying clipboards and sporting reassuring smiles, all creating a party like atmosphere for the new residents. Parents and kids walked eagerly towards dorm rooms carrying boxes, totes and bags filled with treasures and new supplies for their new beginning. What was wrong with me? Why could I not capture the joy in the air? My head kept arguing with my heart saying, "This is what you have worked for! Get excited already! New relationships, challenges, experiences and a phenomenal education await her!"My heart just kept repeating, "I just want to hold her a little longer!" "I'm not ready to let go!"
I thanked God silently for my dark sunglasses to hide my red eyes and carefully brushed the tears as they fell on my cheeks pretending they were sweat from the hot summer day. I smiled my fake "so happy" smile and prayed my daughter would be so caught up in the excitement that she would not notice. "Just breathe", I told myself. Deep breaths, smile honey for one more photo for Mom, climbing the stairs of the dormitory, opening the dorm room for the first time, I ploughed on through the surgical procedure of separation.
When we had her unpacked my husband and I left to attend a parent orientation meeting. Immediately after the brief meeting, we returned to my daughter's dorm room to say our "goodbyes". Her new room mate and other new friends were all there, decorating, laughing, enjoying the music playing from their I-home. She smiled at us, introduced us and then glanced hesitantly towards me as if to say, "You can leave now". Brazenly, I grabbed her for one last hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I love you", I whispered as I felt the final cut, knowing the surgery was complete.
Back in our car in the midst of a puddle of tears, I called my Mom. Hearing her voice brought forth more emotion as we bonded on a whole new level. She assured me the pain would lessen, but reminded me of the truth of what I had realized that day. This was definitely a new beginning for Courtney and I. I told her I had thought it would be easier, that I felt like someone had just told me my right arm was all grown up and cut it off setting it free. She said, "I know" and cried with me.
God bless the mothers of the world. They bring foth life, nuture it on and set it free. Their love is pure, giving and sacrificial; a true reflection of God's love for His children. Now I truly understand the fullness of that truth. 
Comments
Aug. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by neverathomemom
Your post brought tears to MY eyes. That day is going to come too soon for me. (My oldest is 13). Sending a prayer to our Father for your daughter and for you too.
Blessings,
E
Aug. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by GardenGirl639
You always make me cry! What a beautiful post!
She's called A. twice in the past 24 hours. I think everyone is getting used to the surgery.
Aug. 23, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anita
You seriously need to provid an introduction warning: Notice - Tear Jerker Post Ahead!
{{{hugs}}}
Sep. 23, 2008 - the day after surgery........
Posted by sheila
thanks for the sob session i just had after reading your post regenia.......talk about a perfect description of the pain a mother goes through. wow. i felt like i was there with you leaving olivia!
i see you have made it through surgery and seem to be doing well, so i rejoice with you..
Sep. 27, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Sheri
It is sooooo hard isn't it? My 20 yold and 18 yold are still home while doing college (cost mostly) but when my 20 yold daughter went to Mexico this past summer, I thought I would of rather of just ripped my heart out and let a bus run it over than to see her off. It is a new chapter and not one I want to be in for the most part. But I know we raised her for adulthood and someday, she'll be out the door on her own for good...ouch. Then her brother, then her sister and then someday, my baby boy. Well at least you and I have something fun to work on this fall-being a part of the TOS Crew! Yeah. SO glad to meet you and the fact you have kids closer to my age is awesome...looking forward to working with you. Blessings for a great weekend (hopefully your daughter is home visiting) and take care fellow Matey.
Sheri (aka: 1 of 100)