Being the most irresolute person on the planet, I resolved long ago to abandon all attempts at making resolutions--or even the less daunting "setting goals"--at the beginning of each new year.

One gets to know oneself a little too well.  KWIM?

One can only fail so many times before getting just a tad discouraged.  As I discourage easily, I don't need to add any rocks to the backpack I already tote around.  I've been working at emptying that backpack over the years.

I consider it an accomplishment just to get through a day having managed the necessities of life without dropping or damaging anything or -one.

Honestly, I'm not trying to make myself into a poster child for incompetence and low self-esteem.  But I'm not the tough-minded, steel-spined type who can say, "From this minute on, things will be this way," and have the universe around me heed and obey, and the planets fall into alignment.  I know a blessedly small number of people like this.  Generally, they are not well-liked and they make mincemeat of their families.  All right...maybe not all of them.  Maybe some of them manage to be cheerful people who simply make things the way they want them to be, and wonderingly encounter me with..."What's the big deal?  Why couldn't you too?"

Maybe that's it...I'm too often subject to a defeatist mentality.  Or, I theorize and philosophize too long about things and don't take action.  I'm not a power-of-positive-thinking kind of person, but there is something to having a confident, positive, can-do attitude toward life.  There is even a biblical basis for it (our victory having already been secured).  Of course, that doesn't mean that life isn't at times a vale of tears, nor that we can always yank ourselves up by our own bootstraps.  Even cheerful people have to face dark nights of the soul.  But being cheerful goes a long way before human effort peters out completely, as it inevitably does.  And it's just nicer for the people around you.

Don't get me wrong.  I'm not a total Puddleglum by nature, except possibly in the matter of passive stubbornness. And really, even Puddleglum managed to be cheerfully pessimistic, not to mention courageous.  Maybe Eeyore is a better example of what I mean.

I'm basically satisfied with life most of the time...I mean Life with a capital L.  The little nit-picky falling-apart, continual-maintenance-needed stuff bugs me, but the big picture, for me, is a generally happy one, even when circumstances aren't all that great.  I can be quite philosophical in my approach to life.  I excel at that.

What I don't excel at is keeping the dishes done; the laundry going; the floor vacuumed or mopped; the paperwork in order; and (not least, of course) the children properly stimulated, educated and trained--plus the billions of other little details that adults, and especially mothers, are responsible for.  Somewhere, somehow, I'm always dropping a ball.  Somewhere down the line I want to pull aside and escape.  I used to envy people who manage things better, with seemingly little effort.  Who throw themselves unabashedly into life.  Who aren't always struggling with tendencies like scatterbrainedness, forgetfulness, laziness, self-pity.  Who seem to be able to wave a magic wand and make their surroundings pleasant and beautiful.  Okay, maybe I still do envy them just a tiny bit.

But, I'm realistic enough to know that merely resolving to do better isn't going to do the trick.  Really, how does a person go about resolving to be more resolved?  I've already faced the fact that what I am now, character-wise, at age 39, is not likely to change much without major internal renovation by the Holy Spirit.  Not that that is by any means impossible, but it's mostly out of my hands.  I can ask for it and willingly submit to it, but I can't and shouldn't attempt to (given my level of competence) do the surgery itself.

The mood that produced this post is largely a result of having shirked practically everything I should have done today.  I did mail the package and get rid of some clutter I'd collected.  (My dear friend Ms. Mary kindly takes everything we don't need anymore, saving me a long trip to the thrift store.)  I also picked up a refill on my prenatal vitamins and a small, inexpensive item I needed to complete some gifts.  But did I make the gifts?  No.  Did I clean house?  No.  Did I catch up the laundry?  No (Buster ran out of underwear again.)  Did I make supper?  Yes, that I did do, but no one ate it.  I did some reading instead and watched two episodes of The Waltons.   

Supper (I thought) cleverly used up leftovers and cupboard food.  I was discouraged that no one touched it, though I admit it didn't appear wonderfully appetizing, as presentation is not my strong point...but the taste wasn't bad.  I might as well put empty plates in front of them.  Oh well, DH will almost certainly eat it later. 

Buster has bowel problems and thus does the underwear shortage continually threaten.  I had prewashed (3x) and then washed some a day or so ago (it takes a long time to get them clean), but they were not dry yet.  He was underwear-less for about an hour, I'd say.  Not the end of the world, but not a thing to induce warm fuzzies about my mothering either.

I'm taking him back to the doctor for this problem in about a week, so pray for us if you think about it.  This time, I am bypassing the specialist and taking him to the local pediatrician.  We were referred to the specialist by his former pediatrician, who passed away of an aneurism last year, unfortunately (very sad, she had two young children).  Since then, we have found a new pediatrician (who was actually a friend of our former ped's, and moved into her office space), but haven't been to see her about this yet.  I am hopeful she will have some new insights into his chronic tummy problems.  It's been going on for years now.  He's been on various medications and even had a biopsy, and lately (because of an insurance snafu we had to clear up) we've just been giving him fiber and milk of magnesia for it.  Nothing helps.

This is one long post.  Sorry to have allowed it to drag on like this!

I'll be brief in conclusion.  I think it best to enter this new year praying.  I think that's what I'm going to do.  I don't even trust to my resolve enough to say with certainty it will happen, but I'm going to try.

See you in the new year!