Fish in My Hair

I'm hot, I'm irritable, and I'm bloated.

The irony here is that I've been nominated for a "Blogs of Beauty Award" in the humor category. I'm feeling slightly less than humorous and a whole lot less than beautiful right now.

It's so stinkin' hot here I was tempted to wear my new swimsuit to church today. I'm only partly kidding; hormones will do that to a crazy middle-aged woman. When we arrived, I wished I'd followed through on my impulse because the air conditioning had been shut off in the building. HELLO??!! This is Texas in JULY. This had to have been the fault of a man because every Texas woman knows that just crossing the parking lot into church will melt your mascara down into your cute summer sandals. It's even worse for those of us dealing with hot flashes and high temperatures - we're those women who bring lawn chairs to the grocery store and set up camp in the frozen foods aisle. We even wear sleeveless shirts and don't care who sees our back-of-the-arm flab that waves like a flag in a Labor Day parade.

So I immediately suggested that we move our worship service down the street to the community pool. Hey, Jesus preached next to the Sea of Galilee! But by that time the men were setting up fans, which was about as helpful as an ice cube in you-know-where. I should note here that our church meets in a public school and the thermostat is controlled off-site, at the school district's main offices. So our guys were setting up fans, and I was thinking we needed to get serious about this cooling issue and just hack into the electronic controls on the wall or use a hatchet or something, because by this time the elastic waist on my skirt was not only soaking wet, it was cutting into my bloated belly and I was about ready to go Wolverine on the next man who carried in a wimpy little 12" fan.

I finally settled for sitting in front of a friend who had worn his cowboy hat to church. I paid him $20 to fan me through the service. On the way home, I stopped at Dairy Queen and bought us all ice cream cones. I dropped a big blob of ice cream down the front of me; fortunately, my Oklahoma-sized bloat caught it before it slid off onto the car seat.

In conclusion... If you haven't yet been there, check out the lists of amazing blogs that have been nominated over at A Gracious Home. (Voting closes at 8:00 pm EST tomorrow.) Boy, there are a lot of talented women in the blogosphere. And I bet not one of them came home from church today feeling like she was an estrogen-imbalanced walrus cow that had been squeezed into a sweaty, ice-cream stained sausage casing.

Have I ever mentioned that PMS stands for "Pass My Shotgun?"

I knew it was you

12:11 AM, Jul. 17, 2006 .. Posted by amada

On my list of friends I started reading your post, and I could tell it was you from the start in all your characteristic shining funny-ness. I'm sorry about yesterday. I really cannot imagine, it must have been AMAZINGLY hot. yuck.

Congrats on your nomination!
Amy
Cajamarca, Peru

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8:31 AM, Jul. 17, 2006 .. Posted by blestwithsons

I once said to my husband... "Now I know why we have to have pain in childbirth- cause o' the curse and all. But WHY oh why did God also give us something (PMS) that makes it even harder to be godly for one week out of four?!"

Without missing a beat he said, "Well, the men had to be punished too."

I don't suppose you're anywhere near extreme West Texas? (aka Northern Juarez)

Oh my goodness, lol!

8:26 PM, Jul. 17, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

Thanks for the PMS laugh - I found your blog thanks to Sallie's awards nominations. You are very funny. I will be back as I'm feeling depressed these days and the humor really helps. Thank you & God bless. Just remember, I am laughing with you, not at you. I am a woman in her 40's who can relate!

Career Move

9:37 PM, Jul. 17, 2006 .. Posted by ritatubbs

I think that you should be a humor columnist for a national newspaper. You're funnier than most of them. Congratulations on your nomination and I hope you win!
Rita

PMS also stands for "Potential Murder Suspect"

8:44 PM, Jul. 18, 2006 .. Posted by BonnieW

Hooray, TC! Congratulations on the nomination! I hope you win because I think you deserve it.

can't (gasp) stop laughing

10:18 AM, Jul. 19, 2006 .. Posted by Kim C. (Life in a Shoe)

I'm so glad you won the award - I never would have discovered your blog otherwise. Why isn't it this funny when the AC is down at the school where *our* church meets? (maybe cuz none of the guys wear their cowboy hats...that would help.) Would you come to my house and make snide comments like this all day? I'm in Texas too - it can't be too far!
Kim C.
inashoe.blogspot.com

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12:08 PM, Jul. 19, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

You Are a funny gal! Glad to meet you, and Congratulations on the blog award!

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12:10 PM, Jul. 19, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

oops! That was me...

Holly at
Choosinghome.com/blog

: )

1:32 PM, Jul. 19, 2006 .. Posted by mrsclark

Heh. Yer funny.