Fish in My Hair

My underwear (mis)adventure

Way back in May, when I received the invitation to my high school class reunion, two questions came to mind immediately: 1) What would I wear, and 2) I wonder if I can get dental veneers cheap on ebay?

I decided to tackle Question #1 first. Without too much difficulty, I located a nice Little Black Dress that covered all my sagging and wrinkled parts without making me look like a elephant that got tangled up in the Big Top, a cute pair of black sling-back shoes, and a funky necklace. There was just one small - or not so small - problem: the body that had to go INTO the outfit.

Ah, but not to worry, I reasoned. I'd just get one of those foundation garments that squeezes all the fat cells closer together and I'll look two sizes smaller. So I happily finished my shopping trip with a 4000-calorie milk shake and went home, with my mind busily Photoshopping 30 pounds off my frame.

As the reunion loomed closer, it was time to find that undergarment that was going to turn me into Angelina Jolie's clone. I headed for the Lycra/Spandex section of the store, and quickly found exactly what I needed - a pair of MegaPowerNetPanties, complete with strategically places Uplift Panels and (this is what cinched the deal, so to speak) No-Roll Waist Nipper Band. Eureka!! For only $25.99, and without breaking a sweat, I was going to have a waist.

The night of the reunion arrived. I squeezed into my MegaPanties, pulling the waist band up as high as it would go without squishing the excess fat out under my armpits. I slipped on my Little Black Dress, and, if I do say so myself, I looked great. But the night was young, and, as I was soon to discover, MegaPanties work their magic only when you are standing still in a department store dressing room.

See, what they don't tell you is that the No-Roll Band clings best to a waist with, well, no rolls. What's up with THAT? Like a woman with no rolls even NEEDS MegaPanties with a No-Roll Waist Nipper Band?!

Anyway. Halfway through the evening, when the DJ played Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl," I could no longer resist the pull of the dance floor, and out I went to join the rest of my former flower-children classmates. Strange things were happening around my middle, but I ignored them, thinking that in the dimmed lights of the hotel ballroom, no one was going to notice my slipping, shifting MegaPanties. But then disaster struck.

The DJ put on "American Pie" (which, I still believe, was written by Don McClean after he smoked something very strange), and my classmates & I formed a large circle on the dance floor, singing along and swaying with our arms around each other's waists. I don't remember who was standing on either side of me, but I'm pretty sure they were wondering what was happening under the middle of my dress. You see, by that time, my No-Roll Waist Nipper Band had rolled, and rolled BIG. I had about a 3 inch diameter wad of rolled-up Spandex and rubber encircling me, and above and below it were the 4-inch rolls of squished natural fat. The Uplift Panels had uplifted so much they were giving me a wedgie. I'd gone from being Angelina Jolie to a steroidal StaPuf Marshmallow Man with a tractor tire around my waist.

Thankfully, my classmates were much too kind (or, in some cases, too, er, liquified) to mention my rapidly changing torso. As far as I can tell, no one has posted pictures of my panty problem on the internet, so maybe they really didn't notice. In my heart of hearts, I'm hoping I wasn't the only one there wearing a pair of drifting MegaPanties. Maybe we can band together and file a class action suit, claiming "humiliation, mental distress, and excessive fat bulging."

On a completely unrelated note, my MegaPanties will not be accompanying me into the operating room on Tuesday, when I have what we hope is the complete removal of all cancerous cells. Hopefully I won't be gone long. I still have to tell the story of my encounter with scary warning signs along Pennsylvania roads.

what a smart woman you are

12:11 PM, Sep. 2, 2006 .. Posted by CAgirlwithasoutherndrawl

I am very glad to hear that you will not be taking your mega-panties into the operating room. I have done a little non-scientific research and found out that not bringing mega-panties increases the success rate of any type of surgery 1,967%.

I'll be praying and waiting for your blogging return!

~Annemarie

Yaaay!

12:55 PM, Sep. 2, 2006 .. Posted by BonnieW

I wasn't the only woman out there who fell for the Mega PowerNet Panties!

You know, we ought to form a support group. (Heh!)

Tuesday

4:09 PM, Sep. 2, 2006 .. Posted by Junosmom

Well, here's hoping that no on in the operating room is wearing them either, causing them to have to reach down to adjust themselves at a critical moment. I'll be praying for you on Tuesday that all goes well. If I were going under, I think I'd ask for a discount tummy tuck, pull the girls back up, or something. I'd like to get more for my money. I mean, why waste all that anesthesia?

Dance, dance, dance...

7:39 PM, Sep. 2, 2006 .. Posted by CountryAtHeart

I will be praying all goes well.
Here's a random question
What color of hair do you have?
Have a great day!

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8:19 PM, Sep. 2, 2006 .. Posted by mamaduso

You have me in tears. I laugh so hard when I visit your blog. Praying for a successful procedure. Come back soon.
Susan

Ohh where is my Hair Brush! :)

12:05 AM, Sep. 3, 2006 .. Posted by CountryAtHeart

TC...
What is you hair color now?
What color is your hair's natural color?
And now that you got me a wondering...
What where you last three hair colors?

Do you have all the questions you need ;)
I know one of them has to be a color Julia Roberts has had...
hmmmm all these questions.
I don't how I will sleep not knowing :)

I will be praying for your operation. :)

Love your crazy (In a good way!) friend Tessa

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1:25 AM, Sep. 3, 2006 .. Posted by ChathamMommy

Will be praying for you and missing the laughter you invoke.

Do you think they make Mega Swimsuits? All those parent-child swim classes at the Y have me in hives...

Chelo

I found the solution......

3:43 PM, Sep. 3, 2006 .. Posted by TRINITYPREPSCHOOL

At my class reunion last month, in my own $40 garment (the "Miracle Body"), I avoided all food, sipped on tonic water and ice chips, never sat down or danced....all to avoid EXACTLY what you described. I've been around long enough to know that these garments work in only one position. And my coup de gras? I avoided the need to use the restroom for 6 consecutive hours!!! I knew once I pulled that baby down, there was no way (without the help of several others) it would go back to the "perfect" position.

All said....it was still easier than losing 20 pounds!

BTW, I'm hosting the Recipe Carnival on HSB at Trinity Prep School this week.

Happy end of summer!
Maureen

praying

10:01 AM, Sep. 4, 2006 .. Posted by javamamma

I'm praying for all to go well tomorrow and that every spot would be removed with no reoccurances. Our God is Able!

No-Rolls??

3:09 PM, Sep. 4, 2006 .. Posted by Louscrew

I've never had one of those fancy No Roll Waist Nipper Bands NOT to roll either!! And like you, I 've always wondered A.) why they're labeled as such and B.) why skinny women are modeling Said Products.

in my house...

10:45 PM, Sep. 4, 2006 .. Posted by DavisDawn

... we call those the Flaming Panties of Death. You fought bravely.

I will pray for you tomorrow, and share the request with friends. Thank you for making me laugh so hard. You are a gift.

we are praying too...

11:50 PM, Sep. 4, 2006 .. Posted by mamaclsn

and holding to the truth that He is Jehovah Rophe, your healer!

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11:58 AM, Sep. 6, 2006 .. Posted by Grim Reality Girl

Praying for you! Your story about the attack of the undergarments was hilarious... May your beautiful spirit find quick healing for your body!

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9:28 PM, Sep. 6, 2006 .. Posted by MarlaMom

I graduated from high school in 1986 and haven't been back for a reunion ever! I am overweight and I figure those people don't need anything to gloat over. If I ever return to a size 7 (or even a 12) I'll consider it. Thanks to you, even if I had ever considered one of those panty things, I won't do it now. By the way, I'd file a suit against them. Definitely for mental distress, etc.

I have discovered...

5:17 AM, Sep. 11, 2006 .. Posted by bubbebobbie

I have discovered that the fastest way to heal is to pray for someone else. I also noticed that Dandilion seeds is on your friend list. She has a mighty prayer request and prayer chain going on over there for the Godfrey family. I will add you to my prayers tonight as well. May you be cancer free and sockless soon.
Blessings, Bobbie