Fish in My Hair

Food experiments: Have we gone too far?

First, the letter that started this blog entry:

Dear TC-

Thank you for your reply to our previous questions.Your advice was somewhat better than any of the advice that wise people rarely give to others on occasion.  Since Rachel Ray won't lift that pesky restraining order and you have recently had a rather culinary slant to your blog, we had a food related question for you. We are planning our holiday menu and have come across this whole Turducken idea. Evidently, with Turducken you stuff a chicken into a duck and then stuff the chicken-duck into a turkey. Our problem is that we can't seem to get the duck to eat the chicken.  All the birds do is waddle around and stare at each other.  We also were wondering whether you have to remove the feathers first.With your turkey expertise, we figure this is probably an easy question for you. If we can't get this issue resolved, all we will have for the holidays is some pickled Tasso.

Sincerely,

Underdog

Dear Underdog,

I apologize that I have been unable to help with your chicken/duck/turkey combination method. In our poultry yard, our birds are interested in supplementing their grain diet primarily with an abundance of grasshoppers. Apparently, in the poultry world, grasshoppers are the equivalent of Lay's potato chips - no bird can eat just one. So I'm afraid the birds served up on our table are nothing more than chippers or tuppers.

But what I really want to address is this troubling human tendency to use and combine foods in ways nature never intended. One has only to look back to the start of human history to see that we just can't leave well enough alone when it comes to food. Mr. & Mrs. Adam and that boy of theirs, Cain, got themselves into a heap o' trouble with food items, and here we are, thousands of years later, still stirring up sin in that den of iniquity, the kitchen. The only difference between us and them is the invention of Crisco, which is the culinary equivalent of electricity for our modern Frankenstein-like dietary creations.

Take, for instance, the humble Twinkie. The Twinkie is made up of 50% sugar, 40% fat, 10% air, and one milk molecule. Someone (probably a man) decided that his stomach was getting cheated by that 10% of air, so he decided to fry the Twinkie, thereby filling those little air pockets with grease. The fried Twinkie is now made up of 50% sugar and 80% fat. (I know that adds up to more than 100%. I told you this was weird science.)

Then there's vanilla cherry Dr. Pepper. Are you kidding me? Unadulterated Dr. Pepper is an acquired taste. Add in fake vanilla AND fake cherry flavors, and you get something resembling the flavor of something secretly dumped in the river by the local tire manufacturing factory.

Well, I would love to rant some more, but I must go. I haven't yet had my cup of coffee with chocolate pecan flavored pseudo-creamer, which I need to wash down my caramel vanilla artificial sugar-coated oat-flavored plywood chip cereal. 

TC

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2:29 PM, Nov. 29, 2006 .. Posted by briannash

I never heard of Fried Twinkies sounds good could you fry HoHo's as well?

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11:06 PM, Nov. 29, 2006 .. Posted by Roo

I'm afraid to say this and sound unAmerican, but I've never had a Twinkie.

In my youth, I binged on Ho-Hos and Ding-a-Lings like all my friends, but never have I sampled a Twinkie. Never had a Dr. Pepper, either, now that I think about it, plain or jazzed up.

Once you reach a certain age without trying these things, it's too late, I'm afraid, to acquire the taste.

I have had tofurky, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Roo
http://plussign.blogspot.com/

What is the world coming to.

5:46 AM, Nov. 30, 2006 .. Posted by AmaniS

Never had a Twinkie. Please proceed to your local 7-11 and attain and digest one, immediately. As an American it is your civic duty.
Now Dr. Pepper is an aquired taste, but I am sure anyone who works hard enough they can be enjoying it in no time. Mountain Dew on the other hand, unless you fed it by bottle as a baby, is something you can only take so much of as you get older.
I, also, suggest when traveling to NJ you try Krimpets made by Tastecakes.

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8:13 AM, Nov. 30, 2006 .. Posted by CommunicationFUNdamentals

My family just loves those Hostess brown plastic donuts. They tell me they are chocolate but I have my doubts.

JoJo

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6:44 AM, Dec. 3, 2006 .. Posted by Biologist

I hate Twinkies (hate the way they sound too) and all of the other cheap artificial food they come up with out there. I don't eat anything with trans fat and has come out of a labratory, which is literately chemically altered grease. Thats probably why I've stayed alive this long (i.e., a joke).

lol. Jonathon

Thank you

8:19 AM, Dec. 4, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

Dear tC,

I wanted to thank you for pointing out how strange Turducken in to Underdog. You see, it's been a debate in our house for several years. So far I have managed to win. But since he's doing more and more cooking for our holidays I am beginning to lose the battle. I will keep fighting the fight. (There is something wrong about eat a cute little duck. But then again, I have trouble eating venison because I can only pictures Bambi's face when I eat it. I do here from Underdog that Elk is very good. Yuck!!!)

As for twinkies, I simply cannot get past the fact that you can place those things on a chalkboard and leave it there for 25 years then open it and find it still good. There is something terrible wrong about that idea. I prefer food that will at least spoil sometime while my children are still in the house. Bleech!!!

For those that have never had a Dr. Pepper, it's a TX thing (or maybe just a southern thing.) I don't drink it anymore though. If you are a transplant like Underdog, Pepsi would probably be your choice of beverage. (Not sure where Coke would fall in here. I never liked it myself.) Unfortunately, poor Underdog is no longer allow to drink "coke" (or soft drinks if you prefer that) in our house. I still wander if he's spiking his Starbucks coffee with it in the morning.

Well, I am off to tend to the pups. I don't think Mr. Underdog knows that you have answered his letter. I will have to let him know. I don't know if he'll appreciate the answer. It's the same one he keeps getting here.

God Bless,

Mrs. Underdog (Karen)