I've come to the conclusion that the night shift at StuffMart is home to all those folks who were too weird for employment with the circus side show. Here are some of the guys whom I see on my regular midnight forays into StuffMart for the bi-weekly purchase of milk & underwear:
The little old man who greets me at the door with a nod and a smile. Actually, he seems pretty normal. But the other night I realized that there are usually only 3 other shoppers in the store around midnight, mostly because everyone in town goes home once Junior's Beer Barn and Video-rama closes at 11:00 pm. I did the math and Mr. Greeter is making about $20 per nod and/or smile. You know, I used to tell my sixteen year old son that if he didn't get better grades, he was going to end up as a greeter at StuffMart. Now that's looking like a decent career option.
George and Hoss, the fat, 40-ish, ponytailed guys who stock the dairy aisle to the accompaniment of their blaring boom box. George and Hoss remind me of those two guys on "Myth Busters," and I think George and Hoss might be testing out a few myths of their own, like whether or not milk will curdle when exposed to loud doses of classic rock. George and Hoss are always very friendly and helpful to me, though, shouting over the music, "DO YA NEED ANY HEP?" It dawned on me tonight that George and Hoss work in the farthest corner of the store from the pharmaceuticals. I wonder if the management at StuffMart planned it that way?
Jaysen. Creative spelling got its start in this community, I'm convinced. No one here can spell a name normally. If Jaysen had been named Jason, he'd probably be working at a law firm in Houston by now, instead of spending his nights among the pudding mixes. Anyway. Jaysen is visually the most interesting StuffMart employee. He has enlarged his ear lobes, with the use of large rings, to the size of a dinner plate. This intrigues me, because I wonder 1) if he's going to move up to hula hoop sized rings next, and 2) if he once knew a girl who said, "Gee, I'd like to date a guy with ear lobes you could toss a Frisbee through." Call me old-fashioned, but it would creep me out if I cuddled up next to my guy and then felt his ear lobe slip down over my head and around my neck.
Yep, StuffMart at midnight is better than the Big Top, and without all the elephant poop. But if George and Hoss offer you a bottle of drinkable yogurt, DON'T TAKE IT.
champion blogger. I hate to break it to you though that George and Hoss are "day-lighting" in KY in the paint dept. So they must be making good money that they can afford the commute each day. Maybe with the paint fumes, they can fly themselves.
okay i give!
this one almost made me wet my pants.
where do you get this stuff??? i can just imagine someone's large ear lobe slipping over my head and around my neck. oh how horrible
ugh!
julie
It's not much better at the Canadian rendition of the Stuff-Mart but I do agree the idea of being a greeter sound quite promising when you put it that way.
I used to be the Night Shift manager of a Canadian Internet Service Providers tech support and I'm sure that the people we had calling us through the middle of the night would make your Stuff-Mart people look normal
Stuffmart
8:26 PM, Dec. 7, 2006
.. Posted by Anonymous
I swear we have the very same people at our stores too! I often do my grocery shopping at night after the boys and my husband have gone to bed. One thing about it, after leaving there I feel pretty dang good about myself. :) Thanks for this post. It was hysterical.
Okay, in the last post I admitted I've never tasted a Twinkie and now I have to admit I've never been to StuffMart (aka Wallyworld I assume). What is it about your blog that makes me confess these things?
The guy who works in the dairy section of my grocery store likes to answer customer questions in falsetto voice and then suddenly switch to his regular voice.
Roo
http://plussign.blogspot.com/
Could she even spell "Clinton"?
10:11 PM, Dec. 9, 2006
.. Posted by Seester
My favorite (cough, cough) late-night customer at Stuffmart had to be the middle-aged, 100-pound-overweight, halter-top-wearing, cigarette-smoking woman with a "Bill Clinton for President" button. Enough said.
i'm still wondering how a family can go thru pairs of underwear at the same rate as their weekly milk consumption. if my family went thru panties that quick i'd eliminate that clothing option altogether (actually, dippy has already rebelled against any and all under clothement)
