Fish in My Hair | |
I should have had a Red Bull beforehand.
10:02 PM, Feb. 11, 2007
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I have finally discovered an experience that is worse than trying on jeans. It’s helping your teenage daughter try on jeans. You wouldn’t think that this would be too hard to fit.
But being in a dressing room with this child sanctified me as much, or more than, infertility, cancer, and the near-death of Husband a few years ago, combined. I have to admit it was partly my fault. I was the one who naively suggested we go shopping. Due to my ongoing weight loss, and Princess BunHead’s need of some clothes, we headed out for The Gap, where I’ve always had success in finding great-fitting jeans. We sashayed to the back of the store, where the shelves held jeans piled higher than my boys’ sock-and-underwear compost heap. It was a veritable smorgasbord of denim. This splendid array would ultimately prove to be my undoing. You see, The Gap has an assortment of cuts of jeans, with names like “Classic,” “Long and Lean,” “Curvy,” and “Better Start Laying Off the Nutter Butters.” Within in each of those categories, there are numerous lengths, waist fits, colors, washes, and fabrics. Using a complicated mathematical formula – which I will not explain here, because a) it would take too much time, and, b) I don’t know it – one soon learns that there are 3, 509 possible combinations of features in Gap jeans. Well. In my ignorance, I pulled two pairs of jeans off the shelves for myself, and two more for Princess BH. We found our way into the dressing room area, and things went rapidly downhill from there. One of my two pairs fit perfectly. I figured we’d be checking out in less than ten minutes. I called over Princess BH’s cubicle door, “How are they?” She growled back, “Too small.” “Oh, don’t worry,” said I. “I’ll go out and get a few more pairs in a different size and style.” The growl intensified with every pair of jeans. “Too short.” “Too long.” “Too baggy.” “Too tight in the waist.” “Too dark.” “Too light.” “Too straight.” “Too blue.” (Too BLUE?) I sat down on a bench near the mirrors. On my 16th trip out of the dressing room, a sweet salesgirl took pity on me and started helping by carrying armloads of jeans into Princess BH. Thirty minutes later, I was lying on the bench as Princess BH cried, “I’m shaped like a troll!” The salesgirl, who was about as big as the handle on my refrigerator, wisely left the dressing room, and went to get advice from the store manager, which is never a good thing. Another thirty minutes later, I was actually prone on the floor of the neighboring cubicle, alternately praying for the rapture to happen right then and there, and having hallucinations about hamsters in tiny Gap denim skirts. The salesgirl brought in the last two pairs of jeans in the entire store. I’m happy to report that God is merciful. The very last pair fit in all the right places. The salesgirl revived me by mentioning they were having a sale on khakis so we quickly headed to the cash register, where I was charged the equivalent of our monthly mortgage payment. I almost needed to lie down again. Swimsuit season is coming up. I’m going to need a barrel of Advil. Oh, and for Princess BunHead's version this event, which she calls "an epic tale of tragedy," go here. Leave a Comment { Last Page } { Page 173 of 382 } { Next Page } |
 
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