Fish in My Hair

I draw the line at anything with tentacles.

I think I need some new friends, because the ones I’ve got are trying to kill me.

Take my friend, Jim, for instance. Jim looks a lot like Stephen King, except taller and not so creepy. Jim’s the kind of guy who comes to the hockey rink, which is kept at a comfortable –85 degrees, in shorts, a t-shirt, and a leather hat shaped like a hockey helmet. He’s unique, which, as we have all learned from the NEA, is the politically correct way of saying he’s a flake.

Jim is also a foodie. He’s passionate about roux and crème brulee and a bunch of other French words. I’m a foodie, too, in that I like to eat food. That’s pretty much where our similarities end. In fact, here’s a list of our differences.

JIM	TC
Has received cooking instruction through private lessons with 4- and 5-star chefs.	Considers that reading the microwave directions on the back of the box of Hot Pockets is cooking instruction.
Looks for a restaurant that serves the best prime rib in the city.	Looks for a restaurant where the employees have most of their teeth.
Is not afraid to try new foods, and encourages others to do the same.	Is not afraid to sneak out a couple of extra pieces of cornbread, wrapped in a paper napkin, in her purse, and encourages others to do the same. Anything to keep from having to cook tomorrow.
Would sell his soul to the devil for a good lobster bisque.	Would sell her firstborn child for chocolate, on certain days of the month.

So Jim and I were in Austin, Texas, a few weeks ago, and somehow I let Jim talk me into going to dinner with him. I knew I was in trouble when he led me into downtown Austin. Austin is a lot like Berkeley, California – artsy, liberal, and full of college students. The main difference between the two cities is that on weekends, Austinites go to football games, whereas Berkeley residents tend to their gardens, nurturing their marijuana plants. For medicinal purposes, of course.

I’m sorry to say that I didn’t notice the name of the restaurant we visited. I was too busy eyeing the neighboring business, Scurvy Irv’s Tattoo Parlor, and wondering if the wild-eyed guy who valet parked my Jetta was on his way to Mexico with it to pick up his next load of 25 illegal immigrants.

It was a lovely restaurant. Very classy, the kind of the place where the appetizers cost more than my first car. They had real cloth napkins and there wasn’t a lid on my drink, which were sure signs that I was way out of my element.

But here’s when I realized Jim was trying to kill me. He ordered the escargot appetizer for us to share.

Now, I generally make it a personal policy not to eat anything that leaves a slime trail. But Jim had that  “I dare you” look on his face, and I must have been feeling a little emboldened by the lack of ketchup packets and sporks on the table, because the next thing I knew, I was eating a snail.

Well, not the whole snail. I cut off an end for a taste. (It was later that I realized I didn’t know which end I had eaten.) I am here to tell you that escargot has all the taste and texture of the thong part of a flip-flop. I’m proud to say I didn’t choke or gag, although I did think about asking the waitress for a wet-wipe to rub on my tongue.

Afterward, I got to thinking about the first caveman guy who tried eating a snail, and what that experience must have been like. I imagine it went something like this:

Kroc: Man, I’m hungry. I need some food, fast.
Grog: Dude, let’s try to rope a sabertooth tiger.
Kroc: Nah. Hey, there’s a snail. Wonder how they taste.
Grog: Dude, can’t be any worse than those fish eggs we tried yesterday.
Kroc, chewing thoughtfully: Hmm, not bad, but it would be better fried in a little trans-fat and covered with some special sauce.
Grog: Dude, I bet I can ride this boulder down the mountain. Give me a shove.

And so Kroc and Grog got mankind started on eating escargot and caviar. Kroc’s descendents went on to become the founders of McDonald’s, and we have Grog’s fine genetic legacy to thank for MTV.

And, Jim, if you’re reading this, there is no way you’re going to get me to eat squid. Unless you hide it in a Hot Pocket.

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5:36 PM, Feb. 15, 2007 .. Posted by learnmylingo

Ha ha. That was an extremely entertaining post.

-Erin

ROTFLOL

7:17 PM, Feb. 15, 2007 .. Posted by PumpkinsMomma

ok, I hope you don't mind me laughing at your expenses, that seems like such an adventure (one I wouldn't want to be in). However I did eat something gross in Germany once. I thought it was a bratwurst. It was shaped like one but was a bit more red, it was really soft and juicy and it was gross. I didn't like it even before Gertie (my pastor's wife) told me what was in it. Trust me, you don't want to know!

Too many differences between diners spoil the evening.

9:51 PM, Feb. 15, 2007 .. Posted by SnowWolf

I've never had escargot, but I have had calamari and don't worry, its actualy quite good.

Crispy and golden on the outside, tender and tasty on the inside. As for the texture, it feels as if your eating garden-worms that have been deep-fried.
But If you can look past what it FEELS like, the taste is worth it.

Cheers,
SnowWolf

Url: http://www.sugarmtnfarm.com/snowwolf/

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7:21 AM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by Chris

i draw the line right after Mcdonalds and before burger king...wow the frys and BG are so bad!
rn

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8:13 AM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by PlainJane

Thanks for the birthday greeting TC! You were on my list of things I wanted to do today - read your blog - for a good laugh on my birthday. I'm not much for cake, but we're going to Cold Stone for ice cream (off diet), I'll have a scoop for you.

We're also going to Red Lobster. My policy is, "If it doesn't taste like chicken, don't eat it!"

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9:11 AM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by craftapple.wordpress.com

EWWWW! Hasn't anyone told you that you are what you eat??? You're a snail. I'm a chicken. :o)

Yer a classy woman, TC

9:20 AM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by tn3jcarter

Not asking for the wet wipe for your tongue or anything. Maybe your friend Jim should go on Fear Factor or something. I hear they pay good money for people to eat totally gross stuff!

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10:36 AM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by Free2bme

Eww, snails. We're not French here!
I have tried octopus, and it is nonmemorable. You know the sponges you wash your dishes with? Well, the texture is sorta like that! And then when you're trying to chew it feels like rubber. My jaw was bouncing around like silly putty. The tentacle and sucker part of the arm was kinda hard to put into my mouth. But the taste was like blah. So yah, you're not missing much.

Fried Feline??

3:35 PM, Feb. 16, 2007 .. Posted by Seester

I've never had escargot and have NO desire to; the only thing I've eaten that made me fully regret it is raw clams on the half shell. And if this snow and ice doesn't clear up soon, I may be breaking open the Weight Watchers cookbook to see if there's a low-points recipe for cat. We have plenty of them, they're easy to catch, and they're free!

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7:01 AM, Feb. 17, 2007 .. Posted by Kingfisher

You know? I don't think I'd like squid either.... :P

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8:36 AM, Feb. 17, 2007 .. Posted by 40winkzzz

Well, I for one am quite curious to hear the story about the time you sampled the thong part of a flip-flop.

You know, it took me just about forever-and-a-half to write that one sentence above, bc I am running a sick bay here and noone wants me to have even one idle moment. Somebody always needs something. And my husband, compassionate man that he is, has gone out to breakfast by himself in order to avoid being in the house and catching whatever it is that the kids have. I'm on my third day here of being Head Nurse and am about to steal your idea of hiding in the bathroom closet passing medicine under the door. (I'd have to kick the vacuum out of the big bathroom closet, but I'm sure it will survive and maybe would even learn to make lemon tea with honey for the kids. Other than that, I'm all set, as I actually DO keep a stash of chocolate in the bathroom.)

Tentacles and other body parts

11:56 AM, Feb. 17, 2007 .. Posted by Anonymous

Your post title reminded me that one time when my youngest son was younger, probably about 6, he reported to me that his tentacles were itchy. Well, of course he really meant those things which would be found somewhere under his underwear. It was all I could do to keep from burstin out in laughter.



Shelley

Yuck

5:03 AM, Feb. 20, 2007 .. Posted by Junosmom

My husband will eat anything - things you have to dig out of a shell, oysters you have to slide down your throat. In our years of marriage, I've been unable to convince him that oysters are the boogers of the sea. They filter everything else. Then, you eat the filter. How smart is that? Slime, I agree, is a bit of a turn off. Now if there was a food shortage, hey, I'll eat shoe leaather, but Stuff Mart, as you put it, still has cheese doodles and lunchmeat. No need to eat invertabrates.