Fish in My Hair

I'm just glad he didn't use a nail gun.

Yesterday, I was commiserating with my friend, Kingfisher, about our dental woes. I always thought that, to be a dentist, you had to get good grades in chemistry, anatomy, and business management. Now I know that you only have to get good grades in wood shop. Or metal shop, if you want to be an orthodontist.

I’m serious. Those dentists use all the same tools my husband has in his workshop, only on a smaller scale. Exhibit A: my experience with my dentist, Jeff, at his office yesterday.

First, Kelly, the dental assistant, globbed on my teeth an assortment of pastes, gels, and liquids. Judging by the taste, I think Kelly had brewed these in the back room, using forty-year old radishes that had been marinated in turpentine. Then she used a rotary sander to rub it all around.

Then Jeff showed up and applied the usual assortment of dental power tools: drill, vacuum, air compressor, power washer. Well, I was soon to learn that the power tools are nothing compared to the hand tools.

My anxiety level started to rise when Jeff asked Kelly for the “seri-saw.” This is what the saw looked like, except that it was only three inches long.

Jeff then began to run the saw blade between my teeth, and by “run,” I mean, “exert enough force to dislocate the patient’s jaw, while bits of ground-off teeth fall down her throat.”

After Jeff had broken two saw blades, he told Kelly to put in a “wedge.” The technical name for wedge is “metal instrument of pain and death.” I didn’t actually see the wedge, but Kelly jammed it up in the gum between my teeth, apparently attempting to reach my brain and give me a lobotomy as a bonus treatment.

Then, with the wedge in place, Jeff took a small strip of what looked like 40-grit sandpaper and forced it back and forth between my teeth, whipping it out of my mouth with great flourish once he had shredded my gum. I was beginning to wonder if I would need a blood transfusion when we were finished.

After some “etching” and more sanding, Jeff finally pulled out the power buffer and applied some Minwax to my teeth, and we were done. When Kelly handed me the mirror and I opened my mouth, I half expected to see a miniature armoire in there.

Here’s the finished product.

Except for the anemia from blood loss, you’d never know I had just spent 2 1/2 hours with Home Depot’s entire inventory in my mouth.

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3:30 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by Kingfisher

You know? That just might beat me. I've never been subjected to the saw.... =D

I've got an idea! I have some tools out in the shed. I'll just grab some saws, oil, and a chisel or two, and open a dentist shop! xD

Run the dentist is on his way

3:56 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by CountryAtHeart

Don't get me started on the dentist... I have to go there on the first of next month. :o(

Your teeth look nice!
-Tessa

Edited by CountryAtHeart on Feb. 28, 2007 at 1:58 PM

sympathy pain

8:57 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by kristarella

Hilarious! I spent my afternoon in the chair today and it wasn't as funny as you see it. Drilling old black filling from my twenties out and grinding with the mini tool set, clamps, more clamps pack this and pack that, grind, smooth polish and $225. later, I sure don't have the pretty smile you received.
Plus I spilled my Latte down my shirt trying to sip through the hole of the lid with a numb lip. hhmmmm numlips sounds like a good blogname? At least we are ready for the blogger party.
You my friend are looking gooooooooood!

Wow!

9:53 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by midwifemom

I wish my teeth looked that good. My kids actually love going to the dentist. They frequently ask when they get to go again. It helps that the waiting room now has an arcade version of Pac-Man. :)

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10:03 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by LadyMother

Gosh! You are beautiful! I guess subconsiously I have been picturing you the way you discribe yourself in your writings... I shoudda known!
Dang! I wish you hadn't written about the dentist... I have been feeling a jolt of pain every once in awhile
under the lake of filling in a molar... My dentist is a she -- but Cruella is her name. Dang! I don't want to go back there. I'd rather have an amor.
Miss Meg

Nice Smile

10:19 PM, Feb. 28, 2007 .. Posted by Junosmom

You're teeth look great, but I'm wanting to see the before :-) Based on your description, you must've qualified for the Walmart Dentist Fast Lane - for people with 15 teeth or less. Sounds like serious work. He must've know what he was doing though, since they all look pearly.

You look happy - hoping you are well these days.

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8:19 AM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by learnmylingo

I have one thing to say: I hate the dentist. xD

-Erin

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9:26 AM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by Chris

heyo yeah but the little toy they give u after wards makes it all worth it!
rn

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11:20 AM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by Free2bme

Ok, all these dentist stories are scaring me. I probably am going to have to get my wisdom teeth wrenched out soon and I am getting more and more nervous. But your smile is shiny and white! You look like the Wrigley's gum girls.

Wow

12:17 PM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by Mommybob

Look at the GRILL!!! You look like a commercial for coffee stain remover or glow-in-the-dark tooth laminates!! Naw, really, you look fabulous!

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5:31 PM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by CommunicationFUNdamentals

I'll never look at the dentist the same way again! ROFL I don't like the dentist very much either. I have to make an appointment so thanks for the visuals! lol It was so nice to put a face (and teeth) to that sense of humor!

JoJo

Woo Hoo!

7:05 PM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by MrsPivec

Your teeth look great!

I'm glad I found you over at Kingfisher's blog. You left a comment on my blog about a week or so ago, when I was wondering about the whole lack of comments.

I did leave comments on others blogs, but it was the same small circle and taking your advice - and expanding my blogging horizons - has helped.

I couldn't write you back, though, because I deleted the entry shortly after making it; I felt it was a bit whiny! :)

So, I'm glad to have found you again. And I can't BELIEVE Ono is going to be on "Dancing with the Stars." I don't watch it, but I did watch him in the Olympics. Hmmm. I'll bet he IS a good dancer, but it's still a bit weird for me!

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11:37 PM, Mar. 1, 2007 .. Posted by eyecorn

What a beautiful smile!

Ya' know, I will never look at a dental visit the same way again. But, you're so right! Thanks for sharing...I think!

funny!

3:40 PM, Mar. 4, 2007 .. Posted by lillinda

I want to copy this and give it to my dentist. He'd have a good laugh!
Come to think of it maybe it was my dentist!
Linda