Fish in My Hair

Why my name is not Annie Oakley.

It's Saturday morning. A quilting friend is coming over to pick me up for a shopping trip, where we will egg each other on to buy fabric we definitely don't need, and I'm feeling rushed because I still need to find some pants that don't squish my side gooze too uncomfortably.

My son, Wildlife Man, crashes through the door with exciting news: "Mom! Mom! There's an opossum out near the turkey pens and it's playing dead!" One of our hens recently lost a leg to a predator, so I decide I must dispatch this fierce beast post haste. (I love blogging! I can write things that I never get to say in real life, like post haste!) I go to the gun safe, withdraw my little 45, and head for the back pasture, full of adreneline and some leftover testosterone that probably rubbed off the gun handle since my husband last used it.

I cautiously approach the wiley critter. He's laying on his side, with his beady little eyes just slits. To the casual observer, he's surely dead, but I, the Great Huntress, can see the faintest movement as he breathes.  He's close enough for me to touch, but I stand back, take aim, and - CLICK. No bullets in the clip. I head back to the house, where, in complete confidence, I load three bullets. I proabably won't need even three, but it won't hurt to have a couple extra.

Back to the 'possum, who is still pretty dead looking. I take aim and fire. One. Hmm. He looks the same. Two, three shots. He still looks dead. How can you tell if a "dead" 'possum is dead? Wildlife Man says he thinks I missed with all three shots. Hmmph. I head back to the house for more ammo. This time I load up with five bullets.

Back to the 'possum for the third time. By now I have an audience - all 4 children, my visiting in-laws, and my shopping friend. I step closer, close enough to strangle the furry little demon. Again, I aim and fire. Aha! He jerks a little. One more bullet ought to do it. He jerks again, and his little pink tongue slips out the side of his mouth. His eyes open a little more and glaze over. I've done it! I've saved the day for the turkeys! Yay me! I leave to go shopping, giddy with power and accomplishment.

Several hours later I return home. Wildlife Man runs to the car; he can't wait to tell me & my friend the news: "Mom! About an hour after you left, that 'possum got up and walked away!" Everyone's laughing but me. I'm certain the 'possum and all his little 'possumy friends are having a good laugh about it, too, the mangy little creeps.

If that 'possum ever shows up 'round here again, I'm going to force feed him some of my tuna casserole. My family says that'll do him in for sure.

Too funny

12:27 AM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by tn3jcarter

This is one of those life is stranger than fiction kind of stories. One would think that the possum would have had a heart attack & died just from being shot at from close range. Unbelievable!

FUNNY

12:42 AM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by maureenmichele

You funny girl! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ROTFL!

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6:45 AM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by BackyardTreasures

What a great story!! Thanks for the laugh this morning. Too bad you couldn't have caught all that on video.....but I'm sure your kids won't let you forget this. :-)

~~Anne

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10:32 AM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by Dell

I love the way you write.

And I'm pretty sure the possum is dead, lol.

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11:58 AM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by sagerats

Oh TC! You are so funny! It makes it even funnier to picture you in a black dress and gloves shooting at a possum! Sorry, but with no real idea of how you look, that's how I think of you. You're a great writer and I agree with you about writing, it's fun to write in a way you never get a chance to speak. Actually I speak that way to my kids, but they stand there and look at me and tell me I'm not funny.
*SIGH*

Blessings!

Two things:

5:20 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by mamabeck

One- That possum deserves an Oscar...he's GOOOOD!

Two- your blog should come with complimentary Depends! That's a riot! God Bless ya for sending a well-needed hysterical laugh attack my way!

Hugs,
beck

Oh how I needed that

5:43 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by FindingGrace777

Your writing style is so wonderful and refreshing! Thanks so much for the laugh! Just what I needed!
God bless,
Lianna

WELL,

8:28 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by Juliestew

I must agree with everyone else. I love your blog. (I think I tell you that everytime I read it.) So the next time you're off to shop beware...you may have something bigger than that opossum waiting for you. How in the world could that thing still be alive?? My 4 year old came in the kitchen the other day with a dead chipmunk the cats or dog had killed. E GAD!! JULIE

Oh my goodness

9:06 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by mominpa

it is 10pm both of my children are asleep and I am laughing LOUDLY...I couldn't help it...oh my goodness...you are a HOOT!! Love it!! Never thought I'd laugh about a story such as yours but it is down right FUNNY!!

Thanks for sharing a little corner of your world...(hey why not write what you "wish" you could say!!)

LOL!

9:20 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by Momof5littlewomen

I sent my dh to read your blog so he could get a good laugh too! Enjoy reading your posts immensely :-)

June

That;s Too Funny!!

9:30 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by coveredwifeoftim

Oh TC you had me in stitches!!!! I think people need to be sure not to be drinking anything while reading your blog otherwise they will be water baptizing their monitors!

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10:22 PM, Nov. 22, 2005 .. Posted by drewsfamilytx

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's the funniest thing I've read all day! Thanks for the laugh and I'm glad it was a possum you were trying to get and not a wolf or something-- or you'd be in real trouble! LOL

Next time maybe you should give your 45 to your son to take a shot? hehehe...

Marsha

Pure possom panache...

12:44 AM, Nov. 23, 2005 .. Posted by takingthechallenge

....thanks for sharing :)
BTW....I just wanted to include you in my thankful list...love your blog and thanks for visiting mine! Happy Thanksgiving!

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7:31 AM, Nov. 23, 2005 .. Posted by TNMOMTO5BLESSINGS

hahaha reminds me of our possum adventure. we had one in the shed where the cat food is kept dd14 found it one morning in the corner of the shed and refused to get the cat food and feed the cats. we tried everythign to get him to leave, threw things, made lous noises but it spend the hwole day in that shed same corner and it never seemed to move. when dh got home that night we told him about the possum that would not leave and he laughed and told us that he was gld he got it in the trap..... so hahahahaha on us. you've inspired me to learn how to use a gun....maybe i can set that as my new years pledge or something : )