Fish in My Hair

Back off!

I've got a tag, and I know how to use it! (Thanks, Netherfieldmom.)

Rules:
 You must answer the questions accurately, and no wimping out!  You must tag 5 other people. 
 Easy! Ok! Here are the questions:

1. What is your favorite bible verse? Just ONE? Can’t I pick a whole book, say, Romans, or Philippians? Well, here is one of many favorites.
Gal. 2:20 ~ I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me.

2. What season of the year is your favorite?  Why? Summer ~ water sports, family get-togethers, vacations at the beach, homegrown tomatoes, corn on the cob, snow cones, sandals, and farmer tans.

3. Do you think homeschooling will continue to grow?  My crystal ball is in the shop for repairs, but just off the top of my head, I’d say yes.

4. List 4 people that have most influenced your life.  My grandmother, who was a genuine example of a quiet & gentle spirit, but who still knew the value of a good food fight; my children, because parenting them has revealed to me every character flaw I have; My pastor, Kyle O., because he has helped me to understand grace and how to live the New Testament model of community; numerous humor writers who have inspired and encouraged me.

5. What is your favorite non-biblical quote?  I’ll just share my favorite for this week: “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." -- Will Rogers

6.  Silk, satin, or cotton? Silk or satin?! You’ve got to be kidding. I might as well wear a billboard that says, “Hey, check out the cellulite on my thighs!” Cotton all the way.

7. If you like chocolate, what is your favorite?  Cote d’Or Noir, or, as a distant second, any imported chocolate that’s about 70% cacao.

8. If you could sit at dinner with 5 people, who would they be? 

Living ~ Craig Ferguson, Apolo Anton Ohno, Andree Seu, Denzel Washington, TobyMac. (Alternate: JJ Abrams, creator of “Lost”)
Not-so-living ~ James Boice, Corrie ten Boom, Oscar Wilde, Dustin Salter, Alexander Graham Bell (think of the conversation we could have about cell phones!)

9.  Who is your favorite author? Jane Austen

10.  Who will you tag? AFJen88, Mommalotamus, Dstamm, CrossView, Giggles3.

As I've watched my friend, SunyDazy, pack up her family of seven's household for a move to another state, I've come to an important estate planning decision, and it is this: I am NEVER going to move again. Nope, not gonna do it.

Here's the thing. After 21 years of marriage and four kids, we have a lot of stuff. Throw in everything we inherited from two sets of parents who downsized (read: "Let's move to a smaller place and give the kids all our stuff, because they obviously don't have enough of their own stuff."). Then add in a room full of quilting fabric and Husband's entire building full of woodworking materials and machines. (The man collects tree limbs and stumps, as if all the earth's greenery was going to disappear tomorrow.) It would take an entire NFL team, a crane, a forklift, and a truck the size of Vermont to move us.

So this is my plan: I'm going to die amongst my fabric collection, and when the time comes for my kids to deal with this house and its contents, they are to pray for a massive tornado (or other act of God) to completely demolish the place. They can collect the insurance money, divvy it up, and live happily ever after.

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And some other thoughts about moving, which I will get to in a minute....

The past couple of weeks have been rough. I have been involved in an ugly conflict here on HSB. Terrible things have been said about me, my character, my motives, and my blog, both in public and in private. I've been falsely accused and slandered. Even my new "Grace & Peace Award" has been criticized (!). As Christians, we are told to expect to be treated badly by the world, but it's always a surprise (to me, anyway) when we're treated badly by other believers.

I'm also ashamed to say that I, too, have said some things that were perceived as offensive, things that I deeply regret and have had to confess as sins. I have not demonstrated "dying to self" well at all.

Worst of all, reconciliation appears not to be an option. Although I have made attempts to apologize and work through the issue, my offers have been rebuffed. This is what troubles me the most, and what has made the past few days especially rough.

But God is forgiving and merciful. He blessed me with two things that I want to recommend to anyone else who may be in a similar situation.

First, run, don't walk, to get a copy of Mandisa's new CD, "True Beauty." Listen to "Never Gonna Steal My Joy" and "Only the World" until you can't help but sing along.

Been a hard one, been a bad one
Been a tough one, been a sad one
It's been one of those days
That keeps chipping away at my heart
Nothin' new here, it's what I do here
It's a stereotypical day in the life
I'm surrounded by all of the pain and the strife
But I know it's alright

'Cause it's only the world I'm living in
It's only today I've been given
There ain't no way I'm giving in
'Cause it's only the world
I know the best is still yet to come
'Cause even when my days in the world are done
There's gonna be so much more
Than only the world for me

(2 Cor. 4: 16-18)

Second, pick up When You've Been Wronged: Moving from Bitterness to Forgiveness, by Erwin W. Lutzer. The author walks the reader through relevant Scriptures, suggested prayers, and practical methods of dealing with conflict. There are helpful chapters on how to recognize "destroyers" and "spear throwers," and what to do when faced with these people. (NOTE: This book will NOT help you if you are unwilling to look honestly at your own sinful heart and your own tendency to wrong others.)

Finally, back to my thoughts on moving....

In a genuine attempt to, as Lutzer says, "live in the future and not in the past," I am prayerfully considering whether or not to end my affliation with Homeschool Blogger and move my blog to another site. If you have moved your blog from HSB, or have a second blog on another blog site, I would love to hear from you. Where did you move? Was the move difficult? Have you been happy with your decision? What have been the benefits of your new site? What have been the difficulties? Did your site traffic change dramatically, and for better or worse? How did you let your friends know that your blog had moved? Any helpful tips or suggestions?

Thank you all for your many kind & funny comments on this blog. And if I have ever offended any of you, knowingly or unknowingly, please accept my sincere apologies and know that, as Paul wrote to the church at Philippi, "I thank my God in all my remembrance of you."

Oh, yeah! A prize!

One of the reasons I like to surround myself with younger friends is that they remember everything I've forgotten.

For instance, my very funny blog friend, CerealKiller (who has one of the best user names in the history of ever), reminded me that I never announced a winner for my post about naming an antenna ball obsession.

So without further ado, I'm happy to name TWO winners, and they are:

DreweLlyn, for "directionallychallengedaphobia." I mean, who among us hasn't lost their car in the StuffMart parking lot, and wandered about aimlessly, trying not to look like a demented homeless person with all their belongings in a shopping cart? Drewellyn, you're going to love your prize. Send me your address - or, if you're still in the StuffMart parking lot, the address of the store - and I'll ship out your very own customized antenna ball this week.

CerealKiller was thinking along the same lines as DreweLlyn when he came up with "absentisvehiculumaphobia," which is a mouthful of Latinized English. CK, I think I owe you two prizes now. Keep a tally so that I can send you a big box of goodies when you're eighteen.

(And for those of you still waiting on other prizes, keep your knickers on. I'm working on them.)

Can I get some hot sauce with my standardized test?

The Texas public education system cannot seem to adopt a statewide test for more than 5 years. School districts statewide have used the tests (TABS, TEAMS, TAAS, and now TAKS). 

Therefore, San Antonio school districts have adopted a test that better fits the public education in their city. The new instrument will be the Texas Assessment of Cognitive Operations (TACO). It will have a remedial version (Soft TACO), a regular version (Hard TACO), and an advanced version with many more pages (the Gordita.) It will be graded on the standard bell curve (the TACO Bell ). 

Districts receiving the lowest scores will be put on probation with a Basic Educational Appraisal-Not Satisfactory (BEANS). A second low rating will earn the dreaded supplemental Remediation Factor for Individualized Education Deficits (REFRIED BEANS). This rating will cause a lot of hot air at campus faculty meetings.

Why you shouldn't store cheese in the paper tray

And here’s how you can tell this didn’t happen at my house. First, had I opened my printer and seen a mouse, I would have spent 5 minutes shrieking loud enough to scare the animal to death - literally. Then, I would have bypassed my camera and gone straight for a hammer. Finally, I would have beat the living you-know-what out of the rodent, the toner cartridge, and the printer, and then called in a HazMat team to disinfect the entire room.

Ugh. With all due respect to the Disney & Pixar animators, I hate mice. And okay, YES, I admit it! When we saw Ratatouille, I was cheering for the old lady with the shotgun!

Race track rage

And he wonders why I'm in no big hurry for him to get his driver's license.

If I had a fairy godmother, I'd be a pumpkin right now.

I don't know why, but after midnight, my usually acute sense of time disappears faster than my sons' underwear. And speaking of disappearing underwear, tonight my sixteen year old son came downstairs and told me he needed sheets, because his were "gone." Now, how in the world does one lose bedsheets?! I swear there's a wormhole in my boys' bedroom, and at the other end of it is a galaxy that gets its energy from dirty socks and underwear. Maybe with the new emissions standards, they're having to start using sheets, because Lord knows those socks & underwear emit some deadly gasses.

Anyway. Since I just realized it's almost 2:30 am, this is going to be a short entry. Since my spoil-sport doctor still won't agree to my having a continuous IV coffee drip, I need to get some sleep.

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Some of you may remember my story about Princess BunHead and The Giant Uterus  . Well, I think JenGresak is raising BunHead's clone. Go here to read the mucho hilariouso story, "I'll Bet She's the Only One in Her Kindergarten Class."

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Proof that if you look hard enough, you really can find anything at garage sales:

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And that reminds me of this quote from Wil Shriner: "Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box."

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And finally, some actual hotel reviews that were submitted to Travelocity, passed along to me by a friend who works in the corporate office.

Dear Mr. Folgers

Dear Mr. Folgers,

I am sending you this letter to let you know how thrilled I was to find your product on the shelves of my local StuffMart. As someone who believes that the two major food groups are coffee and chocolate, I had to leave the store as quickly as possible so I could get home to try it out. And because other shoppers were beginning to notice that I was drooling.

It is at times like this that words are simply not enough to express my thanks, so I have set out to find a way to adequately express my gratitude for your creation of this heavenly brew. These have been my ideas so far.

1. Because I already have a perfectly fine husband, I cannot offer myself to you in marriage. However, I do have a couple of still-single cousins if you are interested and like cats. Lots of cats.
2. I also cannot offer to name my firstborn child after you, because my firstborn child is well over 16 years old and rather likes the name he's had all those years. I did try to talk him into letting me nickname him "Folger" or even "Folg," but he adamantly refused, saying that the name "Folg" reminds him of a fungus. My future grandchildren are still a possibility, though.
3. I considered building a memorial to you in my yard, tastefully constructed of empty coffee cans and assorted coffee cups, in a modern art style. But my husband says he doesn't want one more thing to mow around. (I think if I could get it listed in some of the tourist brochures, we could make a bit of money by charging admission. Especially if we displayed a life-size bust of you crafted completely from coffee beans. What do you think?)
4. I suggested turning our little Jetta into a Folgermobile, but then my husband reminded me of the 3 tickets I received for traffic violations last year, and I decided I don't need to draw any additional law enforcement attention to myself. Plus, have you ever seen what the insurance premiums are on a car that resembles a bag of coffee?! Great googly woogly!
5. I think it would be awesome if I could wear a Folgers t-shirt while bopping around town. But you would have to send one to me, because I'm sure that if I made my own, I'd end up serving ten-to-twenty for trademark infringement, and I don't think inmates have the option of ordering Folgers Chocolate Truffle for breakfast.

Well, I'm a little stuck for ideas beyond those, but I'm sure something will come to me soon, since I've slugged down four cups of this stuff in the last two hours and the caffeine is beginning to kick in. I will keep you updated as to what I finally come up with.

A devoted consumer,

TC

P.S. If you ever decide to campaign for King of the Western Hemisphere, you have my vote.

Announcing.... (drum roll).....

This may be the only serious entry I ever write, so sit up straight and pay attention.

I'm pleased to announce the advent of the all-new "Grace and Peace Award." Two icons have been created for this award, one feminine and one masculine.

Now, for the small print.

• This award will be given monthly to a Christian blogger who, through a specific entry or by general attitude on his blog, extends to others grace and peace, remembering the grace and peace God extended to him in salvation while he was yet a sinner (Roman 5:8). 
• The blogger will exemplify Colossians 3:12-15, "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body."
• For the purposes of this award, "Christian" shall be defined as
  • one who acknowledges himself a sinner who has been found righteous by God only through the atoning work of Christ, and
  • one who agrees with the tenets of historical, orthodox Christianity, as summarized in the Nicene Creed.
• The photos in the awards are representative of the following Scriptures:
  • Rose: Ephesians 5:1-2, "Be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God."
  • Hands: Philippians 1:27, "Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that ... I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel."
• Nominations for the Grace & Peace Award may be submitted to me via PM or email (tcrulz@hotmail.com), at any time during the month. I will read all nominated entries and select one blogger to receive the award on the first of the following month.
• This award is not limited to bloggers on HomeschoolBlogger.
• Award winners will be notified of being chosen, and may select the icon of their choice (sizes can be modified) to post on their blog.
• As the creator of this award, I reserve the right to modify the rules as I deem necessary to clarify the selection process.

As an example of the kind of entries I am looking for, see this article by our own JenIg.

Any questions? Leave them in a comment for me here. And remember to watch for and nominate the blogger whom you think should receive the Grace & Peace Award next month!

You want random? I'll give you random.

I'm doing this tag because it was assigned to me by my friend, Pajamamama, who is new to HSB. She has three beautiful children, adores her Savior, and has about 10 times more vigor than the average mom. If you stop by her blog to greet her, you can try what I do: put your hands on the computer monitor and hope that some of her energy molecules will transfer to you via osmosis.

Anyway, about this tag thingy. There are some rules which I'm supposed to post, but I don't feel like it. (What's anyone going to do, take away my tag rights?) I'm also supposed to tag other people, but I don't feel like doing that either. (Go ahead, call the tag police. I double-dog dare you.) So basically, I'm just going to do the tag, which is to list 8 random things about myself.

1. I am really bad at thinking up random things to write about myself.
2. I have the world's best mother-in-law.
3. I own and use three different Bible translations: NKJV, NASB, and ESV. And when I just wrote that, I mistakenly typed NJV, NASA, and ESC, which I guess would be the New Jersey Version, the version for astronauts, and the version for computer geeks, respectively.
4. My restless leg syndrome has been very severe lately. It's a good thing I don't type with my feet, or everything WOULD loOK LiKe THIs! !
5. I like to eat my french fries like the Dutch do it - with mayonnaise.
6. I've always wanted a yellow rain slicker, but won't buy one because I'm afraid it would make me look like Big Bird.
7. I believe every American over the age of 15 should read Fast Food Nation.
8. Last week I brought home a stray dog that looked like a mix of Corgi and terrier, but it turned out to be a pureblood Spawn of Satan.

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Thank you to all the bloggers who have awarded me the "Blog Reflection Award." Unfortunately, I can't agree to abide by the rules set down by the creator of the award, and so do not have the button on my site, but do know that I appreciate your kind words and am glad you find joy here at Fish In My Hair. Every time I make an idiot of myself, I think fondly of you all.

I feel like I should be looking for a guy named "Neo."

In the latest news from the field of technology, Nike and Apple (and probably Donald Trump, in an attempt to leverage a hostile takeover against God and own the universe) have combined forces. You can now purchase a pair of Nike running shoes equipped with a chip that transmits data to your iPod. In this way, the iPod will track the miles you've run, the calories you've burned, and when it's time to put new Odor Eaters in your shoes. If necessary, the iPod will also remind you when it's time to send in the monthly payment on the Nikes.

Personally, I'd like to see this technology applied to other articles of clothing. Perhaps I could put a chip in my sons' underwear, and the iPod could act as a GPS to locate them (the underwear, not my sons) when they inevitably go MIA. Or maybe one could go in the waistband of my jeans. Then, at the appropriate time, the iPod could blare in an authoritative, megaphone-like voice, "Put down your fork and step away from the table! I repeat, put down your fork!" And think of the potential for parents of very young children. The iPod could not only tell the parents when it's time for a diaper change, but it could also inform them as to whether to they'll just need a wipe to do the job, or if they should prepare by donning a gas mask & gloves, obtaining a 5 gallon bucket of Lysol, and alerting the government to the impending mushroom cloud over their house.

But really, the whole idea of communication between my shoes and my iPod just makes me nervous. I mean, think about it. There is a huge population of iPods out there. What if that network and our shoes decide to stage a coup against us? Our feet will be assimilated into the Borg, we'll eventually be part of the Matrix, and before you know it, we'll all be wearing lime green Crocs and thinking they are attractive footwear.

14 candles

It's hard to believe that FashionBug (who blogs here as Katy) has already changed from a little butterball into a beautiful young lady. One thing is for sure - she hasn't wasted any of those years being quiet. She is by far my most talkative and outgoing child, and, as she reminds me daily (when she's not on the phone), "Mom, I need social!"

She keeps our family entertained with unintentionally funny comments. The other day, I heard her voice from the back seat, saying, "Ugh! I look like a whor*!" As I tried not to drive the car up onto the sidewalk, I replied, "Uh, do you know what that word means?" She hesitated, then said, "Um, doesn't it mean someone who's a horror? You know, they look horrible?" I answered, "No. And don't use words if you don't know what they mean." So what I want to know now is, at what grade level is our vocabulary workbook going to cover the word "whor*?" Oy.

Anyway. Here are some pics of FashionBug through the years.

5 months

2 years3 years5 years7 years10 years11 years12 years13 years

(This pretty much sums up how the whole family felt about her 13th year)

(I have high hopes that this next year will be much better, or I'm going to have to move into a tent in the back yard.)

14 years

And don't even get me started on the people who design grocery store parking lots.

Do high school kids still take aptitude tests to help them determine what kind of career would be a good fit for them? You know the kind – the ones where the results read something like

• You are compassionate and logical. Consider a job as a health care worker.
• You are organized and interested in learning new things. Library Science may suit you well.
  Or, as my aptitude results said,
• You are a buffoon, addicted to chocolate, and have no marketable skills. You have a promising future as an unpaid blogger.

Well, I’ve been doing a fair amount of driving lately, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this must be another aptitude test result:

• You are short-sighted and annoy almost everyone you know. Seek employment as a civil engineer in the Highway Department in the State of Texas.

I mean, really, do the people who design our roadways even drive? What is up with some of the bone headed decisions they make? Consider the following ideas that  were probably approved by someone with multiple college degrees.

1. “Hey, Bob! You know that 6-lane interstate with the 70 mile per hour speed limit that enters the north side of Megopolis? I say let’s funnel that, plus the traffic off the entrance ramp, down into two lanes. It’ll slow down the flow, but we can put the money we saved into purchasing a Wii for every engineer’s cubicle.” Yeah, that’s gonna work. Especially when road crews close off one of the two lanes and drivers get to spend an enjoyable 45 minutes traveling a quarter mile, while taking in the roadside scenery of discarded Lone Star Beer cans, fire ant mounds larger than New Hampshire, and the ubiquitous belly-up petrified armadillo.

2. “Now, right there where that entrance ramp is coming on, we need to add an exit ramp just a few yards beyond it.” Uh huh. This means that 75% of the vehicles on the road will be in the right hand lane, needing to either merge into traffic or exit. If you’re one of the fortunate few in the 25%, you can witness the Bumper Car Effect over there on the right, where all the cars are bunched up together, unmoving. It can be quite humorous until the guy behind you does the Whiplash Slam against your right rear quarter panel, because he, too, was laughing at the entrance/exit ramp fiasco, and not watching the road.

3. “Okay, we have to figure out where to put the entrance ramp from Main Street on to the highway. On all the other cross streets, traffic flows over the highway and onto a ramp on the right. I say, just for variety, let’s put this one on the left. Oh, and let’s not waste money on a sign. Harry’s Wii controller needs to be replaced.” Oh, there’s nothing like the joy of driving a minivan with 6 teens in the back, music blaring loud enough to penetrate the Earth’s core and wake people over in China, and then having to cut across 3 lanes of traffic, while shouting at the kids, “I KNOW they’re giving us the single finger salute! Just ignore them and help me keep an eye out for a civil engineer I can run over.”

So, if any of you homeschooling families have a child with aspirations of becoming a civil engineer, I’m begging you – let me just send your kid a Wii in exchange for his vow never to work in the State of Texas.

Do I have to tip her for delivery service?

One of the great things about farm life is getting to see animals up close and personal. And by up close and personal, I mean, of course, witnessing them taking a dump on your back porch.

Yesterday, we looked out the windows to our patio and there was our cow, Sandy, standing by the charcoal grill.

Perhaps she just wanted to check out her future environment - when we change her name to "Patty."

I wonder if it improved his radio reception?

I took this photograph while waiting at a stop light on Friday. It made me wonder, did the driver have that hard a time finding his vehicle in the StuffMart parking lot, that he needed a dozen antennae balls? (He has to be a StuffMart customer, because you know you'd never see something like that outside of Nordstrom's.) I guess locating his van isn't difficult anymore - now that someone has written "This vehicle is driven by a loony" in the dirt on the rear hatch.

Some pointed randomness.

This has got to be the ultimate in absurdity. I've started receiving spam - in Russian. Just what I need - email from someone I don't know, in a language I don't understand, trying to sell me something I don't want. It reminds me of the time I got a phone call from a New York City Democrat, trying to secure my vote for a particular liberal politician...

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Legitimate thoughts that I, too, have had:

Tales from the flood zone.

I was whining about our excess water woes to my sister, who comments here on HSB occasionally as "Seester" or "Aunt Seester." (She's the one in our family who got the cute looks, the charming personality, and the funniest sense of humor - just ask her.) How did she, in a loving sisterly way, respond? By sending me a couple of emails, telling me about the education conference she was attending, where she was enjoying a quiet hotel room, no barking dogs or shedding cats, and cheesecake. I was quite ready to send her the full bag from my vacuum cleaner, until she redeemed herself.

There in the mail was an envelope with a return address of "Starbucks Corporation." If you had seen my reaction, you would have thought I'd won the lottery and lost all my cellulite. Inside, from Seester, was a Starbucks gift card and a note that read, "Hop in the ark and row down to get some coffee." (So not only is she cute, charming, and funny, she's generous, too - just ask her.)

So I took her advice and told the kids to get ready, we were going to town. They invited a few friends to come along. But then we had the whole ark issue to deal with. My kids just hate riding in that thing. They say it's embarrassing to be seen in. And then I have to hear all the comments, like

• "It stinks like wet giraffe in here!"
• "Somebody left hippo chow on my seat!"
• "Shotgun! .... Hey, where's the shotgun seat in this thing?"
• "Why couldn't we have gotten an ark with a DVD player in it?"
• "Mom, you should let me customize this thing with some new speakers and a subwoofer."
• "EWWW! I think the cow got sick and left one of her four stomachs back here!"

In the end, I abandoned the traveling-by-ark concept and just loaded each kid up in their own convertible, and then we caravaned into town. Here they are, and as you can see, the drive-through was really crowded.

We had fun, but next time I think I'll go by myself, just so I can enjoy a little peace and quiet. Unfortunately, I won't be able to leave the house again unless the rain stops, or until I get myself a pair of these.

Some thoughts on the nature of the universe.

~ Woody Allen: "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."

~ Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

~ Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

~ Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."

~ John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

~ Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

~ Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."

~ Kilgore Trout (Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.): "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

  ~ William J. Broad "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."

~ Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

~ Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

~ Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Things I never thought I'd say to my (adolescent) children.

PumpkinsMomma gave me this challenge a while back, and I'm just now getting around to it. I blame the delay on global warming and a lack of caffeine. (Speaking of caffeine, I cheated and had a peppermint mocha latte at Starbucks today. Nectar of the gods, people.)

I can't remember how many things I'm officially supposed to list, so I'll just write until the caffeine buzz wears off.

1. Stop doing that!!! But let me get a picture first.

2. (To my teenage daughter) May I borrow your shorts?

3. Okay, nobody tell your dad that I went 4-wheeling in the Jetta by accident.

4. If you drink the last bit of coffee creamer, I'll beat you about the head & shoulders with the empty bottle.

5. That'll teach you to walk into my bedroom without knocking.

6. Can you show me how to _______ (fill in the blank) on the computer / cell phone / DVD player / camera?

7. May I borrow some cash?

8. I'm going to bed. Tell me tomorrow how the movie ended.

9. Your dog does not need fashion accessories.

And finally:

10. Never, ever, EVER pants Grandma.

Maybe I should look inside our suitcases.

Have you ever opened a purse that you haven't used in a while, to find a small treasure inside? For most women that treasure is something like a favorite lipstick that you thought you'd lost, or an earring whose mate you almost threw away, or even a twenty dollar bill.

Well, this is what fell out of my bag when I took it off the shelf.