One thing I’ve learned over the years is that hard as it may be to change myself, it’s a whole lot easier than changing other people – and more fruitful, too.
And yet… it’s a lesson that doesn’t seem to stick nearly as good as it should.
How many times have I persisted in trying to change an attitude in a child when the better route would have been to change my own attitude?
I once tutored a boy who on a Challenging Scale of 1-10 rated a 25. We spent the first 30-60 minutes of many tutoring sessions getting past attitude problems so we could get on to learning a thing or two. I sometimes felt I had done my fair share by spending ten minutes in relaxed mode – general chit-chat, joking around, etc. So when I announced it was time to buckle down and he dug in his heals, it made me angry. I’d given in, I’d made allowances, I’d tried to do it his way, and this was my reward. Why bother at all?
But this boy was going through a lot in his young life. He needed a very long warm-up period. He was often belligerent during that time, no matter how nice or relaxed I was. My job was to change my own attitude and approach. It was utterly useless to try to push change on him, and doing so was no more than willfulness – even self-righteousness -- on my part.
When he consistently saw that I was willing to be patient and that I would respect what he was going through – and yes, that I was not going to go away but that I was also not going to act like him – he started to improve. By changing myself, I helped him change himself.
It works in so many situations and relationships – by changing ourselves, we help others change themselves. I imagine I’ll be learning that lesson over and over for the rest of my life.
Tammy Drennan homeschooled her sons from 1985 through 2003. She now works as a writer and tutor and maintains several web sites and blogs, including www.educationconversation.wordpress.com and www.homeschoolstarter.com
TOS Items of Interest
Sep. 5, 2008
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