Two people coming together from two different worlds and upbringings make for an interesting combination. When you first start dating these differences are exciting and new because “you're dating.” The excitement and the newness of the relationship overshadows the seemingly little imperfections of the other person. But when you decide this is the person to spend the rest of your life with, you're together so much that those little things are more noticeable and might even become irritating or a problem later on.
Marriage is a big commitment. Unless God is at the forefront of the marriage, the foundation is weak. Therefore, it is important to pray together as one, building upon the rock of salvation, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. That is the only way the relationship will be able to withstand little imperfections and times of change. The little things that bother you while you're dating may bother you even more after the honeymoon. Put those little things into perspective so that most of your marriage can be just as good as when you were dating. As long as you realize that no one you choose can be perfect, and you can't change them, you can get past these things.
What did Jesus do during times of change? He pressed on following the principles His Father set forth. Constant communion with Abba Father, prayer with your spouse (For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them. Mat 18:20), fellowship with other believers.
There are times when couples go through change. Each individual has a time in their life where they will feel differently than before they first started out on this journey together. It is completely natural for people to go through different seasons of life. During any of these times it's important to go back to the principles of dating.
1. When you first got engaged, did you go for premarital counseling at your local church?
a. If so, go back for some more.
b. If not, it's never too late. After being married, you may need to go for counseling to gain unbiased perspective on the relationship.
2. Think through your feelings.
a. This is the time to decide what a “big” deal is. If you could over look certain things while dating, can you find a way to not let those things bother you now? I remember when it started to bother me that my husband squeezed the tube of toothpaste from the middle or the top. Before half of the tube was used up, the side would crack, leaving a hole for toothpaste to seep through. I used to come in to brush my teeth only to have to go through the regiment of redoing the tube of toothpaste first. One day my husband was away for more than a week and the tube was not crumpled. I instantly thought of him and decided I'd rather have a crumpled tube of toothpaste with the man I love.
3. During times of change start dating again.
a. Go out on a real date.
b. Ask questions.
c. Do not talk about the kids, family, or other people.
d. Try to give the other person a chance to talk about what they need and why they might be feeling the way they do.
e. Find out what has changed in “their” life to bring them to this place.
f. Give them your undivided attention and understanding.
g. Then take your turn or leave your turn for your next date.
4. Did you used to buy silly little gifts for each other back when you were dating?
a. Start doing it again… I remember my husband would buy me flowers and put a sweet a note with them when we were dating. This little token of love done every so often warmed my heart. So as a woman you can drop a hint that you miss getting a little treat or token of his affection now and again like when you were dating.
b. Men like little tokens of love too. Buy him a little token… a CD, movie, new lingerie to look at. Get creative ladies. This is also good if you can't think of a way to tell him it would be nice if he were to buy you a little something. Although, in my relationship with my husband, I would just say it, “Hubby, remember you used to buy me little something now and again to tell me you loved me? I wouldn't mind getting something now and again.
5. Have fun.
a. What did you do as a new couple that was fun?
b. Will reliving some of those fun times give you pleasure?
c. If so, do it.
6. Find new interests that both of you enjoy. As we get older, we won't necessarily like all of the same things we did before.
a. Find one new interest or hobby you can enjoy together.
7. Doing things without your spouse is not a crime. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Men need men and women need women. If the two of you do different things you enjoy separate of each other now and again it gives you new, “fun” things to share. Your together time won't be stale.
a. Find at least one new thing to do separately.
8. You were a couple before you were parents. Kids tend to throw a monkey wrench into the equation if your marriage is not built on a solid foundation. And it's “never” too late to start!
a. Take time to build a strong foundation for your marriage: He is like a man which built a house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. Luke 6:48
b. If you put God first and your marriage second, everything else will fall into place. You will be able to withstand the fiery darts of the wicked one.
c. Putting God and your marriage first teaches the children about marriage relationships during a confusing time in the world. So let the children see you pray together, study the Word together, and fellowship with other believers.
d. When one parent is at home and the other comes home from work, make sure to say hello, kiss, freshen up and spend at least a few moments together.
e. Be the arms of Christ for your spouse. Knowing that you have a loving support system to come home to after work can make a difference in how you get through your day. Jesus gave you to each other to be His physical arms of love.
Marriage can be like dating if you plan ahead. Find some exciting and fun things to do, separately and together. And most of all, pray together.
©2005 Susie Glennan
Susie Glennan has been in direct sales for over 23 years, home schooled & ran a daycare for 8 years, is a teacher, technology trainer, Toastmaster, Speaker, and Author of numerous articles that have been published in magazines and across the web. She teaches personality based time management & other seminars on various topics. Her passion is teaching others to use their God given personalities to enhance their lives and relationships by effectively managing their time and staying true to the values in life that are most important.
Susie has been happily married since 1982, has three children and 2 grandchildren. Her home is in the beautiful town of Thousand Oaks, CA. She is also the President of The Busy Woman, Inc. - DBA: The Busy Woman's Daily Planner®. The company provides daily planners, purses, car & home organizers, Memory Books, and other organizing tools to help enhance the busy life of today’s family and can be found at: http://www.thebusywoman.com | 