I have learned that you must separate the crime from the love and memory of your loved one. The crime is evil and deserves to be lost and forgotten in the past, as much as possible. Leave it to die, as my sister was.

The love and memory of your loved one remains untouched, their life invested, what they have left behind, memories, smiles, words spoken, kindnesses given—the list goes on and on forever.

No evil can touch that.

So this is not about Dawn. We are not going to memorialize her on this trip, or celebrate the life of one of her children or grandchildren, or get together and circle around each other in memory and in love and survival-ship.

This whole thing pays tribute to a crime, its effect, and the sore lacking of the American criminal justice system.

So no wonder my reluctance to fold laundry, pack a suitcase, take care of the animals’ needs, etc. Although it must get done, and I will press on: this was the first lesson—you don’t get a choice, no matter how horrible.

It must seem normal: about 2 years past a homicide, and a sentencing. Friends must thing I’m ready for it or used to it by now. The phone isn’t ringing, and I don’t expect it to.

Well, I know one thing: by the end of today, God will have spoken. He does not let us alone for long. And then I will know peace, and Dawn’s love will be near, and I will move forward in trust and in courage.

And somehow, God help us, we’ll just know.

... like I knew that I would!
Here are some smile makers.

Feeling poor? Politics and the economy got you down?

"HOW RICH ARE YOU?
"Every year we gaze enviously at the lists of the richest people in world.
Wondering what it would be like to have that sort of cash. But where
would you sit on one of those lists? Here's your chance to find out."

Go here: http://www.globalrichlist.com/
You most likely will be pleasantly surprised to find that you're a lot richer than you ever dreamed!

Has anyone NOT seen "Charlie Bit Me"?
I'm not sure it would be the same without that British accent!

And my all-time favorite when I need a quick pick-me-up, 'cause it NEVER gets old!

Join the fun at my mom's blog.

I came in first place in the Fall Fair for the Best Dressed Veggie for two years running.  I won a blue ribbon, tulip bulbs, and glow in the dark sticks.  I am not feeling well today and and I am laying low.

When Dad is an electrcian, a study of electricity is essential.

So I was thrilled to see this little booklet on sale for $1.50.( I don't know anything about the company and have never used anything by them before.)

But leafing through the booklet made me decide it was a good "sidetrack" for science.
And, of course, I was hoping that the projects were something Dad and youngest could work on.

I could probably do it, if necessary.
I took Electronics for two years in high school.
But that was *coughcoughalongtimeagocoughcough*.
And I pretty much now know how to flip a light switch on and off.
Which is something others here seem to have problems with...
And I can even change a light bulb.
Most of the time.

So I asked my Guy if he'd be willing to do this with her and he said;
"Sure! Let me get a few things together and I can cover up to page 13."

I'm;
"Ok. Great!"
"BUT!"
"We need to break it down. Let her read over a section, answer questions, then *show* her."
"She'll remember it better that way."

He said;
"Sounds good."

A collective "AWWWW!" for my awesome man!

Except:

"Getting a few things together" means:

And a good time was had.
And time passed quickly.
And things were going well.
And much was learned.

And then it ends with Guy saying;
"We have to stop now. Mom said we can't move on to the next stuff."

And I got glared at!

Ants that aren't!

Sorry to be confusing!

I've been trying to catch a shot of one of these critters for a while now.

They move FAST!
And they hide:

I'd never seen or heard of them until we moved here.
They're called Cow Ants or Red Velvet Ants.
They're brightly colored, fuzzy, and look like a HUGE ant.
But they're NOT ants.
They're wasps??!!
Now I know them pretty well.
I sometimes step on them with bare feet.
Then I think not nice thoughts.
Hurts worse than a wasp sting or a fire ant bite!

Only the female stings.
Only the male has wings.
I'm glad!

I'd sure hate for them to sting AND fly....

I don’t feel that anymore. The grief has moved. It’s quite amazing.

(You see? All people need is time. Folks don’t get enough time in this country or recognition for grief. It’s fast, fast, fast…3 days for a funeral and then, back to work! Get over it! Move on!)

Now my grief-experience says: Look out!! Good swings are always followed by pits when it comes to grief. Well, yes, that’s right. And I will probably be having a horrible time rather soon, when we are at the sentencing in October. Still, I know that even 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 back get me someplace.

So I’m just kind of saying, Wow. I am at my blog and it feels nice.

All of you who have checked in these past 22 months, you have done more for me by being there dependably, no matter how long I was between posts, no matter if I wrote back or not, than I can say. But I will try to say it:

I thought losing this blog = your friendships would be just another consequence of a violent crime. Something I had to let go of, hopelessly, with no choice.

But I didn’t give it up completely, because of you all.

And now I see that I didn’t have to. After ALL that I have been forced to say good-bye to, dreams, hopes, a previous life, the family we used to have~

I hope you can get a glimmer of how comforting it is to have something that withstood this crime!!!

With tears, I thank you. You will not know (until heaven) how much you have helped me.

Sincerely,

Allison Costa

The loss of one person’s life takes only a few seconds. Our systems react to it for months; that’s just the way it is. You can’t struggle through it, try to overcome it, or avoid it any more than you can avoid childbirth. It has to just happen on its own timeline, individual for each person.

It begins with shock. A huge piece of our soul is ripped away, and we are exposed. We experience shaking limbs, teeth rattling, adrenalin surges, anxiety, stomach issues, and your heart grips and pains for days on end, to mention a few. There are physical symptoms specific to individuals. I noticed that during the two days before my sister’s funeral, I had the worst labor pain I’d experienced in my life of birthing six children. I was not even pregnant at the time.

Everyone you love is also in shock and you are kind of like the blind leading the blind. This is a great time to have a grief-experienced friend nearby who hasn’t experienced your particular loss. This friend will tell you not to hurry. All your other friends will expect it.

You spend the first year in shock and getting past the “firsts.” As my brother said on the one year anniversary of my sister’s death, “No more thinking about what she was doing a year ago.” The major shock can last 6 months to a year.

The second year is when you really start actually dealing with the loss. A lot of the shock has given way to the realization that this is really true, and you have to live with it for as long as you shall live. Counseling is a big help the second year (not that it doesn’t help the first year, too) because by now most everybody expects you to stop talking about it, but your system is just starting to actually deal with it. The exception would be others who share your loss~ they are probably happy to have you to talk to, because they are on the same basic timeline. Understanding friends are also a blessing.

By now our choices have come into play. Yes, we do get a choice. Not in what happened, but in what we are going to do about it. What are we going to do with that great big hole? How do we fill it in, and with what? We can not replace the person we lost. We can strive to find healthy choices, however, to fill up the emptiness we feel. It won’t be the same, but it’s better than letting the hole deteriorate into bad choices.

My first answer was to meet the vast pain with courage, the same courage my sister had when she lost her fiancee’ six years before her own death. She was my inspiration. A big red horse was my second answer. A close friend said to me, “Allison, if I was going to heal you, I’d send you a horse.” A dream come true, I believe my sister brought him to me. There are probably hundreds of individual answers for individual needs. I think the best thing would be to pursue a dream you’ve always had, but never made time for. It becomes a dedication to your lost loved one.

But you also have to be careful with whatever you decide to do. I used to fall completely apart for days with every small failure with my new horse. Now I see why~ I had too much vested in success with him. It was as if every small challenge meant I was not going to personally make it. Now I see that I still have to look at the reality of the situation and not put all my healing on one beast (so to speak.) Besides, it’s not fair to the dream, whatever it may be.

I am not in the third year of my grief yet, but my best friend in NC has had several sudden losses, and she tells me that the third year is when the healing picks up.

When we came home from vacation recently, for the first time I felt ready to put my sister in a special place deep down inside myself, where the memories will be untouched. At first, I hated the feeling of time marching on heartlessly, as my sister’s last day on earth receded further and further from the horizon of today.

Now the panic has given way to something more secure. What has happened to her still has a global effect on me. In fact, it shaped me into a completely new person. But my memories will remain safe, and sacred, where no body can touch or hurt them.

This is just an example of a feeling that could not be rushed. Others may have found it sooner. I may have done other things sooner. Everybody has an individual timeline. The main thing is a respect for everyone’s individual time and needs.

All of these thoughts came about in the middle of a night recently when suddenly my sister was with me, in my heart, I could feel her presence. The most amazing thing is that it felt like we were children again. I had all the feelings of childhood with her there and was able to see how secure I felt when she was near. It was a gift that happened after I found new security without her in this world. So I am thankful. She always did have good timing.

Thank you for reading,

Allison

We were actually taking a chance on a jury. He was lieing about what happened and the victim is not there to argue for herself. (WE know what the truth is because we know her and how she would act.)

All the sympathy goes to the live defendant sitting there in the courtroom. Let me say, O.J. Simpson trial. People don't want to be 'responsible' for putting somebody away for life. Even if an innocent life is taken. (Crimes against children do get more punishment, but not ones against adults.)

People like myself, who know the truth, will never make it to a jury now.

 I know, it makes you just feel aghast, doesn’t it? Believe me, the amount of patience and self-control it has taken to accept this as the way things truly are in our judicial system has been monumentally stressful. The only thing that has ‘helped’ is knowing that FAMILIES ALL OVER THIS COUNTRY ARE GOING THROUGH THIS EXACT SAME THING. People getting away with murder.

I had to leave it to God. I do not know the story. The assailant could die in prison. He could get saved and die in prison. He could suffer unimaginably for 10-20 years and die horribly. You know what I do know? That my sister who walked this earth would never have wanted this for him, never! She was forgiving and kind.

But there is justice, as much as we can get on this earth, and in the next.

He pleaded to something that holds a penalty of 10-30 years. He agreed to 25 when he pleaded guilty. Now we actually have to work to write letters and make a good representation so that he does not get less, since his lawyer’s job is to argue for less. Our prosecutor says we have a good judge.

The reason we did not go to trial is that his plea (that he’d have used at the trial) held a sentence of 5, 10, 15 years with only a small amount being served before parole. Our prosecutor did not want to see him walk in 5-10 years for this, or see us go through that. The lesser gamble was to take the 25.

His trial plea was something some states have called “passion provocation.” Which basically says, “I was so upset, I killed somebody!” I know, it’s a permission for lack of self control. The prosecutors hate it. That’s why people have to vote when things come up about your state’s judicial system.

Texas has good laws regarding homicide. (For homeschooling and homebirth, too.)  Hmmm- the country know-how of all those cowboys and cowgirls…so it varies by state.

And when do we actually look into these things and get versed in them?

Too late, apparently. After the funeral.

But there are people working to make a difference.

Ok- that’s the long answer.   ~Allison

See this?

It's not on our property.
But it's close....

We were on our way back home when we took a side road on the bike.
And this fella was just scurrying around.

I asked Guy to stop so I could take pictures.

"Ok. But why??!! They're all over the yard."

"Yes, Baby. But they're usually running from the sound of your shotgun."

"Oh." *chuckles*

You may have seen them as roadkill.
Those are usually on their backs with their legs straight up.
Or squooshed.
But never squishy.
And they sure will damage a tire!
"Armadillo" is a Spanish word that means "little armored one".

In the country, we call them other things.
Not nice things at all.

Armadillos do this in one spot:

Then they do this in another:

Then they do it some more in another spot:

And they keep looking for another spot:

And another:

And...:

And they've been everywhere I've ever lived.

If they're not in your area, they will be...
And they can sure tear up a yard!

For more info:
Armadillo Online!
Armadillo
Printable Fact Sheet