I can not sleep.  Something is nawing at my subconcious yet evading me.  It seems so much has been going on - like life is on fast forward.  I am having a hard time being able to reflect on it all.  I am a slow processor living in a very high speed enviroment.  I am feeling older & somewhat resistent to how life is changing.  Part of me is excited about change.  I am no stranger to it.  Growing up my family moved frequently & being the oldest of 6 - my family dynamics were always changing.  I actually have an incredible urge to move every 2-3 yrs.  Change is necessary - like knowing it's time for your kids to move out, or to see them become more independent & therefore need me less often.  Maybe this is what feels so foreign to me.  I want to slow it down.  I am not ready to let go.

This week my middle son is off to an away camp.  This is actually his 4th time.  He attended this camp once as a camper & has since been a jr. volunteer.  He is planning to attend several weeks actually with a quick stay at home in between.  As I was helping him pack he felt he had to remind me several times that he's done this before.  I guess I was not trusting him & he's really asking me to do just that - trust him.  Let him show me he can do more on his own now.  I am hearing that more & more from him.  He also now has his drivers permit.  Because I am with him more - I get the honor of having him drive me places.  (I have a "don't let them see me sweat" philiosphy & for the most part appear calm - that is until necessary like we're offroading when we should not be.)  The other day he drove 34 miles (he keeps track) & did very well. 

He's handling this growing up thing much better than me!!

Raising kids is a journey I felt so unprepared for.  They are masterpieces of God's handy work & I have the privilege to have a part in helping them see that.

The other day my youngest son (14) had the distinct pleasure of working with my dear friend who offered a drama camp (you can read about this at annointed's blog - check out my friends link).  He wound up actually performing a part.  He does have theater experience however did not expect to be cast as his intention was to be a counslor so to speak & assist my friend with the kids.  Just prior to this past week he spent time in Texas with his grandparents who fortuntely he adores & would have stayed longer if not for his committment here.  So other then spending brief moments in the car - I did not see much of him.  Now of course I attended the final days performance but I have to admit I was not prepared for it.  The drama was done very well (my friend is quite gifted) that was not a surprise but what was was seeing my son perform a duet.  He played the giant to a very little guy (7) who played Jack.  The contrast was moving.  Here's my son - very much looking like a young man, singing in his now much lower bass voice & Jack who is still so very little singing in that very cute high little boy voice. 

What I saw was then & now.  What I felt in my heart was emotional to say the least.

It all feels like just yeaterday I was harried, at times very overwhelmed by all my kids needs, pushing myself to keep rising to the challenge of this assignment from God to raise these 3 special people. 

Oh how I cherish how messy & unpredictable those early years were.

God  - Continue to grant me your wisdom & peace as I reach this final leg of rearing your works of art.   May they bless you as they grow to walk in your ways & hear your voice guiding them as they reach beyond our home.  Thank you for entrusting them to me.  Help me to continue to let go more & more & fully entrust them to you.  Amen