Social relationships IRL have always been a challenge for me. I am very task oriented, and I have always found it hard to feel confident in the area of personal relationships. I'm looking for replies from those of you who read my blog:
What does it take to be a good friend?
What attracts you to others that you are good friends with?
What makes a person become a good friend?
What are some things that annoy you about people that you tend to steer around?
You can blog your answers if you want, or you can put them in my comment sections.
Friendships is an area I struggle in too.
I am a one friendship gal. A best friend, kindred spirit kinda friend.
Finding none, I really don't have many "friends". Probably for two reasons, my lack of desire to invest the time in developing good friendships, and my husband does not encourage it at all.
You are a gem, Carol. Great topic to explore.
Blessings to you and that growing little one.
Congrats on the girls, great job riding those bikes :)
Linda
for taking the time to read my blog and to leave your comments. YOu blessed me. I am sorry for your loss. It isn't easy, but aren't you thankful we don't have to walk alone? God is so good to carry us through such difficult times.
I have enjoyed reading your blog as well and I am going to be pondering your questions about friendship. Thank you for the challenge to think of such things.
Blessings!
It is the same base - CWAM. I think they call themselves Western Frontiers now but I don't know any more. The original leaders got outsed and it was kind of ugly from what I heard.
I will be pondering your question and probably blogging about them later on this week. This is something i have been thinking about a lot lately myself.
What does it take to be a good friend? For me, it doesn't take a lot for someone to be a good friend to me. All I ask is loyalty, and a respect for me as a person.
What attracts you to others that you are good friends with? I have one good friend, and that's Graydon. I have a few other close friends, but one lives 3000 miles away and we just don't get to 'talk' very often. And my neighbour is a good friend, but we are also very different people so we kind of have an 'agree to disagree' type of friendship.
What makes a person become a good friend? For me, the same as I said above, loyalty and respect. lol
What are some things that annoy you about people that you tend to steer around?
I've had quite a few 'good' friends come and go over the years and the one thing I've noticed the most is that SO many of them have tried to 'preach' to me and 'change' me. I just can't have that in a friendship. I can't even figure out why friends behave that way with me (trying to change me, preach to me) but it seems to happen a lot, on the internet as well actually. I think it's because I am willing to be myself and when one admits weaknesses, often other's will feel it's ok to jump on board and try to change those weaknesses. Does that make sense at all?
And disloyalty. If I find out a 'friend' is talking negatively about me to others etc., it's bound to put a definate strain on the relationship and only go downhill.
Time is a big issue for me. I have had trouble making friends as an adult, because we seem to have no time. My best friend is from college--we were roommates, ate meals together, etc. She lives 800 miles from me, but is still my best friend. (Even our kids are similar!! :)
I have had one close friend since I moved here 17 years ago. However, she does not homeschool, and her kids are very into horses. All her free time goes into horses, except during the day, when her kids are at school--and so am I. So we like eachother a lot, but almost never talk to eachother. (We used to see eachother at church, until she changed churches, a few years ago.)
I'd really like to find a close friend, but nobody seems to have time to do so. Even if I invite someone over, they are too busy to make it a regular thing.
I keep praying though--especially for someone with girls the ages of my daughters. They are really starting to feel it.
Aug. 12, 2006 - Very Good Questions, Carolina {:-)
Posted by Anonymous
What does it take to be a good friend?
~ Being kindred spirits helps a friendship build more quickly. But it is also good to have friends who don't think exactly like we do, KWIM? It may be more uncomfortable, but we need some in our lives to whom we can minister, or FROM whom we can learn...Iron sharpening Iron, etc. My best, sweetest friends have some of the same passions and interests in common with me. But, and the biggest caveat is that GRACE that goes both ways is essential, but I am thankful for the women who stretch me and give me confidence in areas that I may not have jumped into. Sort of like this: If my friend Dana will go rafting and rappelling without fear, I'm more confident to do it, too. Without that type of cameraderie, I might be a little more "home-body-ish," and less likely to jump into (pun intended!) something like this easily, since I'm in the "mature mom" phase of life with teenagers, LOL. Time is important, as well. I used to be in a women's accountability group when our four kiddos were much younger. My husband was good to encourage me to get out of the house at least once a week and spend time in prayer, study, fellowship, sharing struggles and praises with other Christian women. I have less time to do that now, but wish that I could.
Instead, I have an educational philosophy bookclub of women, most (but not all) of whom are in my local hs support group. It has grown over four years into a CM bookclub. We have tended to meet mostly in the summers, but we have a core group of serious studiers, and we are reading and narrating CM's original volumes and combing through the Parents' Review articles when needed. While sharing with or pouring into others, I get such a return of friendship from many of these ladies. I believe the Lord has just grown it, and it is a sincere, multi-directional mentoring situation.
What attracts you to others that you are good friends with and What makes a person become a good friend?
Similar to above; people who are (and this would include Hubby's and my couples friends) willing to spend time together, (at least once a month or so? sometimes once every two or three months as families is sufficient). We love to learn from others, talk long, sing together, and to share our hobbies with others. One example, Hubby is building (and teaching) our missions director at our church a guitar for him (the director). His boys are some of our teens' best friends. They have Worldviews classes together.
We may have a dinner and movie night with these families.
I'll finish in another post, just in case there is a work limit!!
Hubby has another set of guy Christian friends that we used to worship with one town over. We were together with these friends--traveling, camping, singing together--for almost 12 years before we felt led (for our growing kids' sakes) to move to a different church body in our own home town. It was a painful decision and a difficult transition of our friendships. Most were very hurt by our leaving. After several years, they understood, and our friendships grew again. Our closest gamily friends stayed very much in touch with us, no matter what, even though our leaving felt like a divorce to them.
The men (who were originally PK Dads from our old church home, and met for accountability, etc.) still travel every Labor Day weekend to camp in New Mexico and visit one of the family farms there to bring back hundreds of pounds of Green Chile to roast and freeze for the winter. It is a huge event for them, where they write limericks, poems, prose, music over the whole trip. Sounds cultish, eh? It is male bonding :-). The families then get together and have a big chile fest.
It is a blessing. A huge blessing. It helps keep us sane, accountable, and in touch.
Last question:
What are some things that annoy you about people that you tend to steer around?
I cannot abide manipluation. I won't put up with it. I will try to work with it for a while, but end up wanting not to be around that type of situation any more. Life is too short to spend energy or guilt over it. My husband's favorite saying: SHED useless guilt.
It is difficult to maintain a relationship that is chaotic, and not very well-planned. We've had situations where all the kids of our family and other families have been close, and the parents' friendships are not as strong. If I don't understand where another is coming from or visa versa, I can be overwhelmed. OTOH, I'm not a planning freak, either! I'm pretty spontaneous! I do need have to get in the mood to deep clean at home, and can easily find myself so spontaneous, that I forget to leave time in the day/week to do just that!!
It is hard to explain here, but we've had situations where I had an understanding of one plan, then it was changed three or five times, so that much was left up in the air and was undependable. I could not work around that much change, or get anything done. Does that make sense? I guess that means that expectations were different on both sides, and feelings inadvertently get hurt, even if hurt was never intended.
I have to have some sense of calm, or I cannot focus. I also don't like to play most games (emotional games, no one likes, but here I mean dominoes or cards). Games of speed drive me nuts most of the time. I'll play, but I usually don't have fun. I like games that challenge the mind, or that take some skill. You know, the kind that bore most people! LOL. I like name that tune type games, or even charades.
Understanding, Trust, Love, Patience, Non-judgementalism, a willingness to be open and to grow, on the flip side--a place where it's safe to be open. These are all so very important. There has to be a mutual willingness to practice Biblical peacemaking, and be kind and open. Otherwise, the friendship will not last. I have to watch for a critical spirit to creep in sometimes. I know that anything that frustrates me in others, I have plenty about myself that will frustrate others.
I am not totally open with just anyone. Only a few. And sometimes, it might only be an Elder's wife or something. I'm very guarded, b/c of various life experiences from childhood on.
I hope that answers it! I think I'll work on this long answer of mine for an article...
I have probably two very close friends. I still have one or two friends from childhood, but miles and different lifestyles are in the way. We still e-mail, though!
It is tough when one friend tries to fix you or change your mind about something. It is a little condescending.
One time...the most painful thing...was that I was told (at our old church) that homeschooling was my idol. That was like a kick in the gut. Then I had to make sure if there wasn't some truth in it, so it really was a good cautionary moment for me. I answered with "No, to be honest, I think the worship team (which some of these ladies were on with me) is the idol.
Then I went on to try to explain (at this point I knew there was no point) that homeschooling was a choice to live differently than culture; to have the opportunities to provide more Biblical training in our children's lives, and to disciple them ourselves, for as long as the Lord allowed, and until He brought others into their lives to give them the same Biblical wisdom that we were trying to give them. We also wanted plenty of room for the Holy Spirit to do the moving in our lives and in our children's lives, not MEN.
I also shared that it was like training for the mission field. It is not just a short-term commitment. Myanalogy went over these ladies' heads (maybe because non of them had done long-term missions or knew any missionaries personally) so we really had to just agree to disagree. AND we never met as a group again. Very painful.
But God is good. He provided healing and closure to those hurts.
And we have grown to be better friends to others, and to be clear of our own motives. And to keep GOD on the thrown of our lives.
One thing have I desired of the Lord that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life. To behold the beauty, the beauty of the Lord. To inquire in His temple, the temple of the Lord.
This is my everyday thoughts about being a mother to three little ladies (10, 9 and 4) and a toddler son. We serve God full-time, and I am a physician assistant. I have the most awesome husband in the world. I am trying to seek God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength.
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