Jun. 5, 2006 - Comparisons and Doubt
Ok, I'm cheating a bit. But I posted this on a board I visit in response to a new mommy who was really questioning her decisions to attachment parent, co-sleep, and just in general, meet the needs of her baby. Her baby is 8 months old and not sleeping 'through the night'. I wanted to preserve it, so I'm posting it here.
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It seems to me that sleep issues (and to some extent potty training) become a barometer of our parenting in this society because we (not 'we' as in individuals on this board, but 'we' as in our society in general) are so focused on early independence for children.
I never put my dc in Mother's Day Out, they attended church with us rather than going to a nursery, and they didn't go to preschool (I'm NOT saying any of these things are BAD, just leading up to my point). And I was accused of making my dc too dependent on me. WHAT!? They were babies. Babies are SUPPOSED to be dependent on their parents. BUT--getting them to sleep on their own lessens that dependence. So does potty-training. Sending them to pre-school at age 3 helps to increase that separation even more.
And, if baby/child is independent of mom sooner, mom can have her own life back sooner.
And if you are an attachment-type parent, that actually LIKES having your child depend on you, and find fulfillment in being with that little tyke--making your life about taking care of him and his needs (at least for the season when he needs that sort of thing)--then you are an oddity to most people. (And quite possibly a threat, because your choices are not their choices).
I read a book once (can't remember the title) but it basically stated that any mom who claimed to be fulfilled by her role as a SAH wife/mom, was lying. And that's the message that's 'out there'. You need "you time", 'girl's night out', etc. And you can't have that if your baby is so dependent on you that he can't go to sleep without you. So, the message from society is that if they don't sleep through the night by x, you aren't doing the parenting thing right. But right by whose standards?
My first was a baby that sounds much like yours. He insisted from 3 months to 8 months that he would nurse in NO other position but lying down. I don't care what I tried, the only way he would nurse was if I lay down. Nursing was important enough to me, that I found a way to make it work (lying on the floor of dressing rooms, returning to the car, etc). He also was stubborn enough to cry for HOWEVER long I let him go. I only pushed it to 2 hours once, but it about killed me. We tried at 5 months and 8 months the CIO route. And then I decided he just needed me at night. And if I was there for him during the day, I'd be there for him at night too. Besides, I could nurse him back to sleep in 15 minutes, and everybody got more sleep.
At a year, we decided to try putting him down awake--without nursing to sleep. He fussed for 2 minutes and went to sleep. He was finally ready.
With my 2nd, he refused to go to sleep being held. He'd nurse, and then squirm and fuss. Once you put him down, he'd fall right to sleep. Sounds like heaven right? Except that he wouldn't go to sleep "in arms" ANYWHERE. Not church, not at a restaurant, etc.
With the 3rd, she needed to fuss just a bit before falling asleep. We'd put her down awake, and I discovered (through trial and error) that 7 minutes was my cutoff. She almost always fell asleep within 7 minutes. But if she was still fussing after that, or if it ever escalated to out and out crying, I went to her.
My point--all dc are different. And you actually DO know your baby better than anyone else. Examine WHY you want to resolve these sleep issues. Is it outside pressure about being a good parent? Not a good enough reason. If it's affecting your life, your marriage, or something else important to YOU, then it is worth looking for a solution.
One other thing I did differently with the 2nd and 3rd that I didn't with the first was to NOT go to them unless/until they were crying. With the first, I got him at the first squirm or peep. But later found that they might just fall back asleep after a few 'eh, eh's'.
(Just a note, we did not do family bed because it just didn't work for me. I found I actually got MORE sleep getting up to nurse and making sure they got a full feed, rather than just topping off the tank and both of us falling back asleep. They slept in a cradle right by my side of the bed, and I had a rocker right there as well. If it had worked, I'd have been all over it, LOL).
So, that was rambling and probably way more than anybody wants to read. But it is so easy to question your decisions with your first baby, and to do what you feel you are 'supposed' to, rather than going with your gut/instincts and doing what you know in your heart to be 'best'. Not best for your best friend, or mom, or sister, or neighbor, or LLL group--but best for you, your baby and your family.
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So, that was a little trip down memory lane for me, and a good reminder with a new baby on the way as well.
