Our Busy Little World
Sep. 3, 2007 - Rodless Training
Recently someone asked me for ideas on how to gain obedience without sp*nking (for foster children, etc). I don't know how much help these ideas will be, as I do believe that is a difficult task, but here are some thoughts and resources in case they're of use to anyone else in this situation:
http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ - she has a ton of wisdom and some great ideas for corralling a bunch of little ones. We do a lot of "tomato staking" to avoid needing sp*nkings and keep the girls from too much temptations
http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/ - the Pearls have written about "rodless training" in some of their books. I can't remember which ones, unfortunately, but you could email them from their site to ask. I don't always recommend them because I really disagree with their doctrine, but they do love the Lord and have a lot of good child training techniques. And when it comes to books, I am a firm believer in "eating the fruit and spitting out the pits".
Gary Ezzo has written a few books which may prove helpful. With the same caution as above about fruit and pits, I do recall these books having quite a few "rodless" training ideas.
Clay and Sally Clarkson have written a book which may prove helpful. I do personally believe that as parents God has given us the guidline of training with the rod, but for those in unique circumstances perhaps this book will prove helpful.
Having listed those boooks, I must mention that for the "heart" of discipline issues, I most highly recommend these two books (even if one can't use the methods discussed, I believe they have the best grasp of the principles involved): Standing On The Promises and Shepherding A Child's Heart.
Ok, now here are my little thoughts and ideas on the matter:
*Specifically for preschool age boys and very active girls (since they're so young at this point and have so much energy) I personally think a lot of formal schooling isn't so necessary, I'd make your schedule to have a LOT of time for them to get their energy out between other activities -Have a bit of reading time, then something active; eat lunch, then something active, etc: running outside, games of tag, ride on toys, walks, races, silly games like Simon Says with lots of jumping jacks - anything to get their energy used in a constructive way.
*With my girls lately, when they act up and I'm not for some reason able to sp*nk them (I'm nursing or covered in raw chicken or something), I have them put their hand over their mouth (usually if it's a mouth related offense like interrupting or tattling) and sit down where they are. If they're all playing in the other room and I hear anyone fussing, I usually call at least two of them to me and have them sit by me till I'm done.
*Figure out what they're *wanting* with their poor behavior, and give them the opposite. Sometimes this works better than a sp*nking for my four year old - for example, she really likes watching the occasional video, and would be far more pained if I take that privilege away than if I sp*nk her (she'll actually ask for a sp*nking). If they're doing something for attention, perhaps denying that attention by having the stay on their bed until their attitude improves. Basically make it totally counter-productive for them to disobey, and productive for them to obey cheerfully.
*I have one daughter who often seems to be on the verge of meltdown (the one daughter who was able to use the word "emotional" in context at eighteen months old.) My pastor's wife and I were just talking about this yesterday. Sometimes, if my daughter needs to *weep*, I simply send her to her bed - I don't let her wail and yell or anything, but there are times I feel the need for a good cry too, and so if she really can't handle life happily at the moment, I just say "Ok, you may stay on your bed until you are able to be pleasant with everybody else". Then I shut the door and let her cry a bit (like I said, as long as she's not throwing a big fit or something) until she gets lonesome and comes out to join us. Then of course, she'll often come out sniffling and saying "I need a snuggle."
*I like to teach my kids to "fold your hands and get some self-control". So if my baby grabs something she shouldn't have, and I'm on the couch nursing, I'll sometimes just say "Juliette, that is not your's to touch. You sit right down and fold your hands in your lap, please" for a minute or so.
*I think training in obedience (as opposed to simply disciplining for disobedience) is very important here. Honestly it's an area I tend to forget about and need to do more often. Things like obedience games work great - and my girls LOVE them! If I want to teach them to come to me when I call, I'll send them all running off into various parts of the room or house, then call one of them (I usually use their first and middle names to indicate I want them to come to me rather than just answer me). That girl comes running to me, "tags" me and says "yes, mother?". We call it the Yes, Mother? game, and believe it or not, they love it! Another good one is the Obedience game. It's basically like Simon Says with more odd requests, to help them learn to obey whether they understand why I'm asking something or not. You could say "Sally, pour this cup of water on the floor"; then "Sammy, please clean up the water on the floor"; then "Susie, jump up and down ten times". The girls get such a kick out of these games, and learn better obedience at the same time. Hmmm. . . I think I need to work these into my schedule.
*Lastly, I try to pay good attention to which situations get my kids into their biggest temptation and avoid those. I have two daughters who tend to fuss with each other more than their other sisters, so when I'm cleaning up from lunch (I have a hard time having the girls help me with the whole of this chore, as our kitchen is very tiny and we're all pretty clutzy), I make sure to keep one of them by me with a particular toy (a little box of seashells, for example) while the other one can run about and play - I switch it around but I try not to have those two playing alone together without me right there as I know it puts them in temptation's way. Also I have one daughter who enjoys some alone time in her room, and if I see that she's beginning to have a difficult time I suggest this and she usually loves it - it removes her from the tempting situation and gives her a chance to regroup.
Comments
Sep. 4, 2007 - <i>Untitled Comment</i>
Posted by 4sweetums
You are such an excellent and well thought out parent. It's funny that you should mention jumping jacks because that is one of the best techniques I have found for dealing with my RAD/FAS adopted child. She came to us through foster care and rod parenting would just make her worse because the abuse she has experienced is so severe that our sp*nking her would just show we were untrustworthy. I do use rod parenting for my other children on a limited basis and see nothing wrong with it but it is just counter productive for this one. All of your ideas are excellent and we have used many of them successfully with this child.
Blessings,
4sweetums
Edited by 4sweetums on Sep. 4, 2007 at 7:12 PM
Sep. 5, 2007 - Hello!
Posted by LaMereAcademy
You've been awarded a Nice Matters Award, please come to my blog to see what it's all about.
~Becky
Sep. 6, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by JavaMama
Awesome post! Something that I really needed to hear today.... a prayer anwsered. I am going to print this out and put it on my fridge and in my homemanagement binder, thank you for sharing your wonderful advice.
JOYfully in Him,
Kelli
Sep. 7, 2007 - Untitled Comment
Posted by dinghome
This is a wonderful post. We, too, have been reticent in recommending the Pearls' and Ezzos' materials because of differences in theology, yet they do have helpful tips and ideas for child training. I appreciate your discerning mind.
Lois
Sep. 9, 2007 - Great Post
Posted by belindaletchford
Something for us Mums to remember - even without adoption and various other reasons we don't want to use the rod. I believe in a physical "reminder" though I also believe many people use it too often, not knowing what else to do. Thanks for the summary of options (and links to find more options).
Belinda
Live life with your kids!
