We recieved the letter today from Don, the guy from PLAN, who was making up a list of things for us to do with Jumoke.

One of the things he suggested was putting all of the children into sports because Jumoke needed to be in sports (they are finding that this is a good release and has positive impact on many children from Liberia who are struggling). He didn't think Jumoke should recieve special treatment, and tho he understood our hesitation to become a "sports family", he strongly encouraged us to consider this.

It kind of angered me. Not because we might be doing something we really don't want to do...we would do that for *any* of our kids if they were having problems and we thought it would seriously help them. What angered me was more time doing something I can't stand because Jumoke alone "needs" it. I feel like I've spent 4 years pouring into this boy to the point of neglecting some of my other children, and taking this step just frustrates me.

I'm well aware that this shows the condition of my heart and it isn't very pretty at all. But do you ever get to the point where you just want to say "So my heart is ugly! So what? I don't care! I'll just live with an ugly heart then!"

OK. Onto the hardest part of the letter.

Don said that Jumoke being isolated is very bad for Jumoke. We need to go to extremes to draw him in. For example, Jumoke cannot play out in the front yard because he will not obey the rules. He runs into the road,does dangerous things, goes into others' yards without permission, and will not obey Matthew if Matthew is in charge. So Jumoke must play in the backyard only (it's a *very* large back yard). However, Don's concern is that the other children go out front and play at times, and that leaves Jumoke alone.

His answer? Community discipline. If Jumoke can't play in the front yard, no one can play in the front yard. Here. I'll let you read his words:

"Jumoke will not fully understand consequences if he is always the object of correction. Thisis a time when you may need to apply the community principle. In this principle, you address the community {all the children) and instruct them pertaining to daily events. Yes,you can all go outside, however you can not leave the front yard. Perhaps one of the girls walks across the street to visit with neighbors. The conseuence is that everyone comes into the house or perhaps no dessert. This includes Mom and Dad. Another cexample is a clearly defined lie. Jumoke saidhe picked up his clothes and he did not. Everybody does jumping jacks including mom and dad. you will need to be creative but not extremely harsh. Comunity consequences must be at the level that all members of the community can participate. Ask for a volunteer to do jumping jacks while Jumoke picks up his room or have the group select someone. You might volunteer yourself. The the others can count while Jumoke is picking up his room. This may encourage him to hurry and will also be an encouragement to whomever is doing the jumping jacks. This will help all th cihldren to understand that consequences have a rippple effects on a family. After such a discipline take a moment with the children and ask how it made them feel. The ask what can they do to help each other in order to correct the behaviour. Tell them how important they are and how much you love them. This is also a time for hugs of forgiveness. After community discipline and discussion, always have the children give each other a hug and include yourself. This wll help build closeness. One important factor is to never idetify one child as being the source of community discipline. This means that Jumoke will be allowed to get away with some things. Many times the lie that one escapes from haunts them more than the one they have been caught in.

In regards to Jumoke being sent to the back yard to play while the other children are allowed to play in the front. This may be reinforcing Jumoke's negative feeling about himself and increasinghis level of isolation. If Jumoke is required to play in the back becausd of behaviour or trust issues, then all the children need to play in the back yard. When the other children complain, have the children corporately develop a solution that would allow them and Jumoke to play out front. In th beginning Jumoke may appear to the children as the problem but his role in the familyunit wille ventually become part of the solution to consequences as he and the others learn that wrong behaviour hurts self and others and getting even in not the solution."

Sorry about any typos. I had to type from his sheet of paper and don't have time to correct because Timothy needs me.

Anyway, I see this next year as intensely about Jumoke. Which I suppose shouldn't be a big deal, because a hurting child needs help. These are just two of the time consuming, Jumoke-centered things that Don feels we should do to graft him into our family. I see the value of both in a way.

But frankly, I'm tired of it. Jumoke's had four years of intense parenting from us, to the neglect of other things like I said earlier. Reading this pile of papers which asks for more intensity for a longer period of time just makes me want to cry. And my resentment against this situation is at an all time high. I know. That's really ugly. He's only 8.

But I want our life back!

I feel like I keep standing there with the door open and saying, "Well? In or out? Choose." And he won't choose so I have to keep standing at the door, and meanwhile there are other children who are in who are waiting for me to come away from the doorway and spend some intense time with them.

This may be it. If God doesn't change my angry resentful heart, it may be that Jumoke will have to go to another home, just because *I* would be bad for him. And disrupting an adoption is a very painful and expensive procedure for everyone involved.

. I need to love and it seems like there's none left in there. I need to go the extra mile, and my legs wobble and ache with the thought. I need to be more than I am, but there is just so much me to be had. I really need God. I have nothing left tonight.