Some of my concern (regarding community discipline) is how Jumoke likes for other people to suffer when he's feeling badly. The adoption guy, Don, saw that as part of how Jumoke sees himself, and somehow thinks that this will short circuit the self pity cycle, which should help with Jumoke's abuse cycle toward his family as well.

I had many questions for Don. Below is the letter I just wrote him. I won't send it till tomorrow, because my emotions are still running quite high and I need to re-read the letter to make sure I still mean all that I said after I calm down. It's mostly asking him to explain himself better.

"Dear Don,

Thank you for the information you sent. We received it today, and found everything quite thorough. My husband has not yet found a counselor to work with Jumoke and/or us. We are trying to keep that a priority.

I am writing at this time in reference to your responses to a journal entry that my husband sent you; the one that I wrote.

If nothing else, my heart has been revealed toward Jumoke. It doesn't look very good. My first response to some of the things you wrote was intense anger and resentment. After some time, the emotions quieted a bit, and I have been able to look at the situation a little more clearly. I do have some questions so that I can better understand your referrals, your ideas for dealing with Jumoke.

You spoke of community discipline and community consequences. This frustrates me quite a bit. Partly because the children and I have missed out on so much...even peaceful days...because of how Jumoke responds to nearly all situations here at home. Partly because I'm afraid I see him as being quite pleased that other people would suffer for his actions. Perhaps this is an exaggerated response from a weary mother. I hope so.

But the question remains: how serious am I about grafting Jumoke into our family? How desperate am I to avoid dissolution?

Aside from the pretty negative emotions, I'm very serious and pretty desperate.

So tho it goes against everything inside of me, I'm willing to try this thing.

But I keep running into mental roadblocks. I need some more concrete examples, since this type of parenting is not something I've seen modeled.

First, do we do this with all of the children? I mean, if Anne disobeys by going out front without asking permission, then all of the children are restricted from going out front for a week with her? If Matthew throws his stuff on the floor, we all do jumping jacks (or whatever...I'm not thrilled with the jumping jacks either) while he picks up the floor? If Jumoke throws food at the table, then everyone eats peanut butter sandwiches off of paper plates for the next meal?

If it includes everyone, then that would certainly turn our home upside down for a few months while we change gears and learn this new way.

Some more specific situations:

Another one: Jumoke and Isaac throw down their coats and take off their shoes anywhere in the house. His daddy has said that if we see their stuff laying around, we must take it and put it in a box set aside for this purpose until the boy can earn them back. Isaac might lose one pair of shoes at a time, but he's very careful not to lose his second pair of shoes.Jumoke however doesn't mind losing shoes until he needs them. Which is right before we go out the door to movie night or dinner out or to visit relatives. He doesn't care much about earning them back until that moment, even with reminders.

OK. Do we all stay home with Jumoke? Our practice has been that he goes to Nana's or one parent stays home with him.

We tell all the children that no unkind teasing is allowed. Jumoke teases Ouseman until Ouseman cries. I call everyone in the living room and tell them that...what? We will all be pulling weeds together because one of us was unkind. So we all pull weeds together. And Jumoke snickers and grins at the kids because he got them in trouble. How would I handle that? Is this where I would hug him and ask him how he feels right then about the kids and why he thinks it's funny to him?

Have you seen this done? I mean, where a family switches gears when the children are older? How is the resentment of the older children handled? I'm assuming that if we do the same thing when each child disobeys that should take care of some of it, but when the majority of trouble is caused by Jumoke, it wouldn't take the children long to figure it out. Does the resentment just kind of magically turn into cooperative solution solving? Does the child respond positively fairly soon so that the exercise of community discipline becomes a family team effort instead of a family frustration?

Are there books or websites I can read about this to help me get a better handle on it?

I am praying about my heart condition toward Jumoke. My husband is praying for me as well. We kept Jumoke this week to see how things would be, and it is evident that these problems only happen when my husband is not home. When my husband is here, Jumoke is maybe naughtier than most boys, but he's not mean or manipulative or controlling to the unbearable point he is when my husband is not here.

The problem lies with me somehow. And that means the solution lies with me...somehow. And I'm not very happy about it. But like I said, we are praying. And God has changed my heart before. I'm sure He will again. And until that change takes place or begins, I want to garner all the information I can to help me help Jumoke. Understanding leads to forgiveness which leads to much love.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and thank your for taking the time to help our family.

With warm regards,

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I did not send this letter. We decided that we simply could not do community discipline.  While it might have helped Jumoke on some level, it would have been devastating to Ouseman, who has bonded well but is still fragile.