April 30, 2005...This is my first new post in this new blog. The other posts are things I've been digging up or transferring from my other blog.  But I think it's all stuff written in the last week.  I'm pretty sure I haven't dug any deeper than that.

"Strange, how God leads. Plants seeds that might lay dormant for a long time. Works in ways we don't understand."

My friend, Kim, said that.  It's been tickling my mind since I read it.  I think it's something I want to grab hold of, but I can't find a handhold yet. It feels like it's an important thing to know.

Everyday...more layers revealed...the onion smell makes my eyes smart...

I've been so sleepy, and I suspect that is partly because  of the emotional impact of everything in the last week.  Knowing what I know, but refusing to look at it.  I've been pretty low the last couple days, crying a few times, which is a big deal because I don't actually cry much. Maybe wet eyes or a tear here and there, but I don't usually really cry.  My husband watched me cry for a while with curiousity yesterday.  If I hadn't been so sad, I would have laughed. Who could blame him? I mean, it's a fairly rare thing and it must have looked interesting, all the wet and red scrunched face and blowing my nose.  Like I said, I would have laughed if it hadn't been a sad moment.

Today I was talking to a friend, and feeling low. And kept feeling low all thru our talk. And then she asked just the right question..."Are you going to tell people not to adopt from Liberia then?"

"No," I said. "No. Absolutely not. Because, well, think about it.  If Jumoke has RAD, he had it long before he came here, and maybe his actions and attitudes were so hard on that family on top of living in the midst of war and not having any food, that sending him to the orphanage in the hopes that maybe an American family could help him get better was a good thing to them...as well as a relief for that family. And things haven't been so great for Jumoke here because he hasn't attached and spends his life feeling miserable and making everyone else miserable, but at least he has a bed and food and clothing and he gets schooled. That's more than he had over there.  And if he hadn't come here, I wouldn't have learned all the hard ugly things I've learned, which have been really pretty good for me. God was merciful to all of us...me, our family, Jumoke, Jumoke's family."

It was like a warm ointment flowing over me.  Being grateful is so healing.  In those moments when I said those words I hadn't really thought of before, I was grateful to God for His mercies and quit looking at the hard stuff, and wow, it was wonderful. Like the old aching tooth analogy...the best part of an aching tooth is when it stops aching.

So now what?

I'm preparing my heart to lose Jumoke, unless God provides a miracle.