Wow.

In the last week, my life...my family's life...maybe even Jumoke's life...has completely been derailed and set on a different track.

A week ago I began the shift from seeing myself as Jumoke's attached, loving mother to realizing that the truth is that I've become...been becoming for the last two years....Jumoke's concerned caretaker.

Within the last three days, we've begun understanding that we might be dealing with a child who is handicapped in his mind and emotions.

And in the last 24 hours, we have slowly realized that our lives will never again be the same, no matter what choices we've made...or make.

Tim spent some time on the phone with a lady named Bandy from Nancy Thomas' organization.  He was so blown away by all the information that he asked her to speak to me.

There is no diagnosis. No formal diagnosis.

But Jumoke so clearly and classically fits the RAD bill that we can no longer hope that we are mistaken.

At one point, I asked Bandy if there was a possibility that we were making all this up, that Jumoke was just a regular boy that we couldn't handle and we were trying to make ourselves more comfortable by trying to make him fit some disorder bill.

She was gentle, but her words of experience shut the door tightly on that hope.

I asked her if maybe we were wrong and it was some other thing that might be easier to deal with and live with.

Again she was gentle, but asked me if there is a marked change in behaviour when my husband is home as opposed to when he was gone. I told her the difference was like night and day. That when my husband was gone, we had to find another place for Jumoke to stay during my husband's trips. That weekend were *much* easier than weekdays.

Bandy told me that this thing is the one thing that is unique to RAD that none of the other disorders had.

I ran this way, I ran that way, trying to find a different door to go thru, desperate to find some other route than the one that was offered.

There was nothing but this.

I had a chat with Jumoke yesterday before I took him to Nana's house for the week.  It's what I do best...talking, asking questions, listening, learning about my children.  I asked him what I thought would be hard questions about taking people's things and hiding them when he was mad at them. He started grinning and couldn't stop. I had been missing one earring from each of two sets of my favorite earrings (My favorite things next to books are dangly earrings...I just get such pleasure out of them...silly, but true), and I asked him if he knew where they were. He definitely told me no, but was grinning crazily the whole time, grinning while we were talking about hard stuff, just really enjoying the talk.

I asked him why he was grinnng if he didn't take the earrings, and later why he was grinning since we were talking about hard stuff, and he said, "I don't know, Mom. I really want to stop grinning, really bad, but I can't."

It was eerie. But from what I'm learning about RAD, eerie is what he wanted it to be.

I told him "No more secrets. Nana and Daddy are going to know everything I know.  Matthew is going to know that you take his stuff when you are mad at him. Ouseman is going to know that you tease and hurt him because you like it. No more secrets."

He just grinned crazily and said ok.

Bandy told me that under no circumstances should I ever allow him to be alone with the baby or with the more vulnerable children in our home. That broke my heart. It was our one hope, his loving the babies.

I talked with the other children yesterday. Maybe I should not have. But they have no idea why their stuff keeps getting canceled, why our lives have been so upside down, especially lately.

Jumoke gets worse every spring. We know this. But each spring, he is one year older and more sophisticated than the spring before. We've been barely able to hang on this spring. Last spring, I told my husband, "Well, at least we know it can't get any worse than this." Boy, was I wrong.

Anyway, I just told the children what I knew, and then sat back and let them cry and be angry and one of them even said that we couldn't be good parents if we couldn't find a way to keep Jumoke here and why would God send Jumoke to our house if He didn't mean to keep Jumoke here?  I let her question and cry, because her questions were exactly my questions and accusations against myself over the last 2 years. I want to explain, and I will, but it will come later when her emotions are calmed down.

Ouseman tho was a little bit funny. I had to laugh, and laughing in that dark hour felt good.  He began to cry and said, "I don't think I could live with Jumoke not being here."  After a few moments, he was perky again with the thoughts of the torments and brokenness in our home being gone, and said, "I think I can do this. I would *love* it!" Then a few moments later crying and "I don't want to do this" and then later perky "Yes! This would be good for me!"

In the space of 1/2 hour, Ouseman covered the up and down emotions that my husband and I had been experiencing the last few years.

I told the children everything I knew because I want them to begin now getting used to the fact that things are not what we all thought they were.  I told them that God might help us keep Jumoke here, but that God might also ask us to let Jumoke go for Jumoke's sake and for our sake.  Daddy and I didn't know which it would be, but we needed to be prepared for either. 

Either way would be hard.  The children began to see that.

We talked a little about how things would not be getting better soon, and might even get a bit worse once Jumoke started therapy.  All of this to get a realistic view of life with Jumoke in our home.

The children began to appreciate that having Jumoke stay would be as difficult as having Jumoke go.

We will never be the same.

Somehow I have GOT to find that place that says....

You give and take away,

You give and take away,

My heart will choose to say

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Huh. There has to be a good reason that this song has been in my head and in my heart constantly for the last two years.

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Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Well Blessed be your name