My husband has been saying to me, too frequently lately, "You are all over the map with this thing. I can't keep up with what you are thinking and feeling."

Yesterday, my friend Amy wrote to me, and said, "You sound conflicted." Her very kind way of saying "You are all over the map with this thing."

I sincerely believe, and tell people whenever they are in a tough place: emotions lie.  They are not indicators of truth, but rather reactions to circumstances. Do not believe your emotions. Believe facts.

So I thought thru out the night and decided I need to list the facts. Things I know for sure, as well as I can know anything.  My mom has taught me since I was a little girl that if I got confused about God or anything I thought He was saying or if I got confused about what I should do and how I should follow Him, I should go back to the things I know are true about Him and start from there.

That's good advice for everything.

So...just the facts.

Fact: Jumoke is not attached to our family.  He has bonded himself to this home and the people who live here because it is all he knows. It's all he remembers. He feels some measure of safety here because it is familiar. But he had not attached to me or Daddy or the children.

Fact: Something isn't right with Jumoke.  The list in an entry further down of the things we've seen in him on a consistent basis are not part of a healthy child's personality...the vengeance, lack of empathy, lack of remorse, etc. Something somewhere is wrong.

Fact:  Our home is Jumoke centered and that is not healthy.  If a home is going to be centered on one person, that person should be God. To have a home centered on any one human being is not healthy for anyone in the family, not the person, not the other individuals in a family.

Fact:  I'm seriously preoccupied with helping/changing/surviving/living with Jumoke.   (Changed the word "obsessed" to "preoccupied" on further consideration. In the last few weeks, I have been obsessed with this I believe. But before that, for the 4 previous years, it would be more accurate to say that I was preoccupied. Obsession is too strong a word for where I was for most of the 4 years we have had Jumoke.)  From about 3 months into the adoption, my eyes are constantly on Jumoke, my thoughts almost constantly are on Jumoke. I sometimes talk to other folks and call them Jumoke's name instead of their own.  This is a very bad place for a mother and wife to be. This is not Jumoke's fault. It is mine.  His needs as well as his particular pleasures in snagging me on a daily basis have made him the center of my life. Very very bad for my other children. I deleted many of them, but my other blog had many more stories of Jumoke than of all of my other children put together. Now this is a real reason for feeling guilty.

Fact: I cannot raise Jumoke well at this point and raise my other children in the nurturing, loving environment they deserve right now.  Whether it's because I'm obsessed with Jumoke or because he makes sure he is the center of everything or because my other children are verging on unhealthy or because we don't have the education or tools or because I'm just a weenie, this one is a fact that cannot be overlooked. I cannot physically, mentally, or emotionally do it. At this time.

Fact: Tim is not willing to spend all of our energies...or even a great deal of our energy...on an emotionally damaged child while  we are raising other small children.  This is new knowledge to me. I did not know it before last night. I was excited about making contact with Jumoke yesterday and asked him if he didn't think that was a positive thing. He said no. He said he didn't care whether it was Jumoke or another child, whether it was now or 4 years ago...that when he said we weren't set up for an emotionally damaged child he meant it. Maybe when our children are much older or grown. But he said that he does not see this as possible for us right now. Wow.

Fact: Jumoke needs a home where he can attach.

Fact: We have been given an option of fostering Jumoke out for a year or two while we heal up and learn to help him. 

Fact:  Tim is willing to look at it, but still feels that disruption is best for Jumoke and us.

Fact:  I said I would follow Tim's clear thinking on this one.

Fact:  I'm not as strong nor as smart as I thought I was.

Fact:  God loves me and Tim and Jumoke and the other children and my hurting relatives and friends with a compassion that I can simply not understand the depth of.

FACT: GOD IS FAITHFUL AND GOOD.  This story is going to have a beautiful ending. No one can convince me otherwise.  I know this in the very hidden depths of my heart, even when I am so emotionally distraught I cannot think, I know this.