Jumoke was supposed to stay a month with our friends for respite for us.  They were also wanting to see how he did with their family because they were one of two famlies who were considering the possibility of adopting him after the disruption. 

He didn't even last a full week.

My friend, Alex, has given me permission to share frankly about their week with Jumoke.  She and her husband are willing to talk to therapists or folks for PLAN or anyone else connected with Jumoke.  You can reach them by emailing me.

Walt and Alex are experienced parents. Their oldest child is 14. They have 7 children, 2 birth children and 5 children adopted from the domestic foster system.  All of their adopted children came from severe situations, seeing far more awful things than the average adult. Walt and Alex have been very successful at helping these children over the rough bumps so that they can bond with a family and live the normal, happy life every child should have.  We felt Jumoke would do very well at their house this month. 

Tim and I run a fairly tight ship. We are not heavily scheduled people, but we do stick by a routine that is much the same day in and day out, year after year.  We have fairly structured chores and high academic standards for our children.  We probably aren't as strict as a lot of folks, but I don't think we could at all be characterized as "laid back". Structured and firm would probably describe us.

Walt and Alex are very laid back. They unschool their children, and because of the special emotional needs of their adopted children, they've learned to let a lot of things just run off like water off a duck's back.  They have high standards for their children's behaviours, but find creative ways for helping their children achieve those standards.  In case it might look like they don't have backbone, let me tell you, they have plenty!  Tho they are laid back folks, they've had to handle some very difficult moments and hours and days with some of their children, and they can go toe to toe with an raging child if they need to.

Alex and I are close friends. She has been listening to me tell about Jumoke for four years.  Because of their respect for Tim and I, and because of our parenting reputation with them, they believed us when we said Jumoke was hard. However, they sincerely thought that it was more a matter of parenting styles, that perhaps Jumoke just wasn't a "match" for our family.  They believed we were doing the best that we could, but they thought they might have what it took to make a positive difference in this little man's life.

The first couple days with Walt and Alex were pretty good. Jumoke acted like a pretty naughty kid, which is kind of surprising for a normal kid. Usually a kid would be on their best behaviour the first few days in a friend's house.  But still, the behaviours were nothing more than annoying.

Alex sent me a list of the things Jumoke was doing, and asked me, "Are these the kind of behaviours you've been talking about?"  I told her that tho the behaviours were naughty and annoying, they were non-issues at our house compared to the larger things.  She asked what the bigger stuff was, and, as usual, I had a hard time explaining. Because when you write the hard stuff down on paper, most folks rightly assume what a normal child's motivations are for doing each individual thing. That in no way explains Jumoke, his motivation, nor the havoc he wreaks on the people in his home.

Alex was a bit frustrated.  She saw some annoying things but nothing that she thought should cause a disruption of adoption or the devastation of a home such as I had described.

By Wednesday, the winds began to change.  Jumoke was hurting Alex physically, hitting her, scratching her, jumping on her.  He was slyly messing with the animals to hurt them and in small ways hurting the little girl.  She felt like she still had some control over his actions tho by telling him not to do things or moving him to a different area.

By Thursday, things had escalated a little more.  Jumoke had climbed into her bed first thing in the morning before everyone was up.  She allowed her children to crawl into bed with her, but was surprised and uncomfortable with an 8 year old who was not her own child just hopping into bed without asking or even hesitating.

There were other behaviours that were making her uncomfortable, and she began to get tired from being "on" all of her waking hours.  Jumoke would not do anything she asked of him.  No chores.  He wouldn't stay off the computer. Nothing.  He just did as he pleased. (I will be adding Alex's lists of what happened each day to a post, but as usual, seeing it in writing looks so tame compared to living with it...there is an added tension when you understand that he's controlling the situation...and when it is continuous, all day long, every day.)

We talked and she told Tim what was happening. She and Walt had come to the conclusion that they probably could not adopt Jumoke because already the behaviours were wearing her and the children down. And she had no control over him and wasn't sure how to get control over him.  This from an experienced mom of some very troubled children from the system.

The next morning, the dam broke and the next 24 hours at Alex's house were almost more than she could handle.

 (continued in Part 2)