I wasn't going to record this. It just seemed too sad and...just too sad.  But it seems very important as well.  And certainly, I would want Jumoke's therapist and his next family to be aware. Not just of the possibilities of problems...but the condition of his heart.  He can be very very difficult on his worse days. But he has a tender heart. Rarely seen. But it's in there.

Yesterday he was playing out back alone.  Later in the day, I found a large tuft of white hair, obviously part of our Australian Shepherd's mane.  I called Jumoke out and asked him if he had been too rough with Brave.  At first, he looked around wildly, saying what??, like he had no clue what I was talking about.  Which told me he did know exactly what I'm talking about.

I really don't want to give details right now.  It's too sad for me.  He did pull hair out of the dog.  The dog yelped, and he stopped.  He said he didn't think about it hurting the dog, so he didn't feel badly.  But when we started talking, his eyes welled up with tears. 

Jumoke doesn't cry much.  Only when he's in BIG trouble and confronted by Tim or when he's hurt.

However, when we confronted him about hurting Alex's 2 year old last week, he did cry. Like his heart would break.  We weren't sure if he was putting on or not, so we just withheld judgment and dealt with the situation.

I was pretty sure he was not putting on last night about the dog.  My heart just broke for him.  We talked about how he doesn't really think about how the animals feel when he hurts them.

I asked him if something was bothering him, since he never hurt a child or animal before, aside from the chickens.

He started crying and told me he had hurt babies before.  I told him he had never hurt Abe. He said he did once. That he was trying to hug Abe, and Abe was shaking his head back and forth and trying to get away from Jumoke, so Jumoke just let him go and he fell back into the wall.

I told him that sounded like an accident, unless he knew that Abe was going to hit the wall, and he did it anyway. He said he knew Abe would hit.  I asked him why he didn't come tell me what was going on but he said he didn't want me to know.  I asked how he felt when the babies were hurt by him, and he said he didn't feel anything. Until I said that I knew or until he told me about Abe. Then he said he was so sad. And he started just bawling.

I hugged him, and we talked about being rough and when it's ok to be rough. He said he knows the difference...that's it's ok to be rough when he's wrestling with the boys but not with babies or animals.

I told him I didn't think he should be upset. He shouldn't have pinched Kyla, and he should have been more careful with Abe, but it was just two times and I could try to help him when he's around babies.  He started crying hard and said that he hurts babies a lot. I told him two times is not a lot in my book.  He told me he hurt other babies a lot. I asked him who, and he told me two names.

I didn't know what to do.  He was crying so hard. I knew his heart was breaking.  I had given him every way out that I could think of but he apparently wanted to tell it all.  I was also aware that he could be taking me on a ride, but his rides never included tears or confessions before, so I doubted it.

I didn't ask what he did to those two babies. There were no unexplained injuries that I had ever heard of, so I was pretty certain that the "hurting" was a result of being too rough and impulsive. I was said he didn't let an adult know. But all of these babies, including Kyla, continued to like him. None of them were afraid of him.

I hugged him and told him that I thought it would be a good thing if he had a friend with him when he plays with babies and animals for a while.  Just ask someone to be with him so that he doesn't have to worry about being too rough. He said, adamently, that he would rather never play with the babies again that ask someone to be with him while he's playing with them.

He said he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He went to his room and threw his huge, still-packed suitcase. He was angry and hurting.

Tim came home and talked with him.  A little more gruffly than I, but Tim saw the same thing. A very hurting, very sad heart.  Tim said to me later that it was good to see that Jumoke had a conscience because we sure hadn't seen any sign of it before today. 

But he really does love the babies and he does love animals.  Unless he's messing with our heads (and I do not think he is), this thing has been bothering him for some time. 

He's in a good cycle now. I'm hoping things stay good.  I'm not sure what to do with this. Should I ignore it and move ahead? Try to talk to him so I can inform and comfort him?  Make some rules and let him know about the rules? Let him know I'm telling others about the rules?

My instinct is to just move on.  Keep my  eye on him. But on the surface, let this go.  He's got so much that is difficult in his life, that I hate to push on this particular button. It seems to hurt him so much.