Dear Umeme,

At the risk of sounding like a nosey body…you are being too nice to [Jumoke].  He should never ever ever ever ever ever be alone, especially with animals or those smaller than himself.  You are giving him too much freedom and he can not handle it.  It is like putting a 2yo in the front yard by himself and asking him to stay out of the street when his ball goes there.

Perhaps you misunderstood the level of supervision that goes on here and that is needed for [Jumoke].  Perhaps you are in denial.  I am telling you that for JUMOKE (this is not about the other kids being safe) for him to *feel* safe you need to watch him.  All the talking and explaining isn’t going to get you anywhere.  It is purely an instinct/impulse thing.  There is no forethought.  Just like a baby who sticks his hands in his cereal.  He means no harm at that moment, he just does it.  If you gave your 2yo a sharp knife and said “Hey this is very sharp but I need you to hold it and not cut yourself.”  There would be some trepidation and fear in that child.  You are telling Jumoke “Hey go where I can’t control you and behave.”  He is going to be so nervous and unsure of himself.  He WILL mess up and misbehave.

It is great that Jumoke is exhibiting some remorse but just remember that he is older and craftier now.  [Kids with attachment issues] quickly switch gears and learn how to manipulate in different ways.  It may be very true that he has remorse.  I know even my [RAD son] will tear up when corrected.  He says the right words but sometimes I see the anger or embarrassment there more than regret.  I just want to encourage you to not go easy on him just because you feel that he feels sorry enough.  His remorse does not mean that he will do anything differently the next time.  He needs a consequence or he will see your neglect of him as just not caring enough to deal with him.

The times that I have told my kids that they must be within eye sight of me at all times have been the best times with them.  I explained that they are not being safe and so I will be keeping them safe until they can do it themselves.  There may be some pouting but it is short lived and in reality they are SO relieved that I am taking control of an out of control area in their lives.  They are staying out of trouble because I watch their every move so we are both happy.  They are happy because they are on my good side and I am happy because I am not pulling my hair out disciplining all day.

Here is a good example.  [Daughter] will get out of bed every night and wander the halls and wake people up and just generally make mischief.  So I put her in the closet.  It is a big walk in closet that could easily fit 2 twin beds.  She has slept on the floor in there for probably 2 years.  About every 6 months I allow her to try to sleep on a bed in the bedroom.  Every time I mention it she CRIES and asks me to sleep in the closet.  The first two times I thought she enjoyed the novelty of it so I made her sleep on a bed.  Sure enough several nights later she was up roaming.  After 2 weeks of spankings and increased wanderings I put her back in the closet.  Last night I told her again to try a bed.  She got teary eyed and said “I don’t want to sleep in a bed.”  So we allow her to continue to sleep in the closet.  She LIKES that we have set up a way that she can stay out of trouble.  I am their conscience until they grow one.  Jumoke will grow one eventually but until then you need to be making decisions for him.

-[Karen]

The names in the above letter have been changed or deleted at the writer's request. But she gave me permission to post this letter on this blog.  Tim and I really appreciate all of "Karen's" input...but this letter especially opened our eyes to Jumoke's perspective of feeling safe and cared for. This particular letter was in response to the entry below about Jumoke "confessing" to hurting babies a lot of times.

One of the issues we've always had is that in order to keep some control in our house, we've had to make Jumoke's world quite small, for his sake as well as ours. But he resents being "different" from the other kids.  We were never able to find a way to balance this.  If we gave him the freedoms the other children have, like playing in the front yard without adult supervision or riding bikes on our dead end road or even small things like dressing in his bedroom or, as mentioned before, playing with toys on his bed, then soon we had a situation that involved disobedience, vengeance, anger, and someone being hurt. 

Today is Saturday. Jumoke is staying at his Nana's house since Tim is involved with the Boy Scout Camporee.  As noted before, Jumoke can't be here when Tim is away at night.

Jumoke must stay in bed at Nana's till he hears the clock chime 8 times.  This morning, the clock chimed 8 times.  He got out of bed whistling and got dressed.  Nana got out of bed and saw Jumoke coming in from outside.  She asked what he was doing outside, and he said, "I was doing my chores." 

Jumoke finished his chores and finished up a job Nana had given him the day before.  All of this being asked to do so. He did it on his own.  After he was thru, he presented himself to Nana and said, "I'm ready for breakfast now."

We've seen a few days like this.  Like maybe five days in four years.  They are very very nice.

Nana told me they were going to spend the day gardening, and Jumoke seemed satisfied with that.

Nana has recieved some flack for how she treats Jumoke at her house.  She has him in her sight nearly every moment.  She has his time very scheduled.  If she gives him a job and he takes 5 hours to do a half hour job, that's just fine with her.  She doesn't usually have things that need to be accomplished for herself, so she's able to sit patiently while he messes around or goofs off or huffs & puffs & glares to show her he is not happy with her.  It's his time he's wasting, not hers.

Jumoke's environment is very controlled at Nana's.  He can come from our house furious out of his head with someone, and within a half hour at her house, his fury is gone as well as the agitation and hyperactivity.  There is no one there to "pay back" except Nana, and Nana doesn't seem to care if she is getting "paid back".

The first couple weeks earlier this year with Nana were indeed difficult for Nana.  We recieved some phone calls: "What do you do about this?"  Things got dark for her.  But she brought it before the Father and stayed there till she recieved peace again.  And then she began setting up Jumoke's days the way she felt the Father wanted her to do.

From the outside, it looks like she's being way too controlling and cold toward the boy.  But from one who has lived with his antics for four years, I love seeing him calm and submitting to well-placed boundries.  Being at Nana's house is very very good for Jumoke.

Life at Nana's house gives credence to Karen's letter.

Not that we need convincing.