When Emma was first diagnosed with Diabetes, the adrenalin kept me going. Kept me going through 3 nights of little to no sleep in the hospital (including a drive from one hospital to another at 1am the first night, and a switch from the PICU to the Pediatric floor at 1am the 2nd night). Kept me going through conflicting Doctor's orders and late food (which is an issue for a diabetic).
Once we came home, I got emotional. It didn't take much to set me off. I was driving through the neighborhood a few days later (thankfully alone) and rolled through a stop sign. My mind was a thousand other places other than my driving. I was pulled over. By the time the police officer had gotten out of his car and reached my car, I was a basket case - just bawling there sitting in the car.
The first month she was home was a blur. Hundreds of readings we didn't understand, constant calls to the Doctor, then the change to a new Doctor, lots of training with the new Doctor, and finally stabalizing a little.
We still get up at least once a night, and usually twice. Typically around midnight and 3am, based on what her readings are and what time we eat dinner. This is to prevent VERY SCARY low blood sugar readings overnight. I have told many people that its like having a newborn (having to get up overnight) without the sleeping during the day that helps a newborn's mother recover.
Now the reality of our life is really setting in. As I sat on the couch to give Emma her two injections after dinner I just sat there a minute and realized "this is my life". Until she leaves my house as an adult, I will be responsible for making sure she gets her medication all day and night, every day of my life. What an awesome burden. I'm so tired. And we've only just started.
There are lots of advancements on the horizon. Continuous Blood Glucose Monitoring. Infrared BG meters. Insulin Pumps. But, the only way to change this is to find a cure. In my lifetime. I can only hope.
But for now, I'm just tired. My brain is so tired of the responsibility. So tired of the worrying. So tired of watching the clock because I really want to know if her insulin worked at the 3 hour mark. So tired of testing her blood because she's fussy and I can't tell if she's just being 2 or her blood sugar is low.
I'm just so tired. | 