I wrote this yesterday but evidently there were some website difficulties so the original post was lost, hopefully I can remember what I wrote.

Well yesterday we completed our first week of full homeschool.  I am happy to report, it went very well!  We finished the work we needed to finish in the time that I wanted it finished so we got today off!  Whoo-hoo!

We have a couple of "field trips" planned in the next couple of weeks that we are looking forward too and Grandma is coming from Jersey to stay with us, so this month should be a good one.

Drastic subject change:

For those interested, we are doing well.  Some moments are still profoundly sad, I don't think that will ever change, but for the most part life, although very different now, continues.  An example of a profoundly sad moment; Yesterday after dinner I "thought" (really more of instinctually felt) that I needed to go nurse the baby.  This caused a physical pain in my heart unlike anything I have felt before.

The kids thank God for Lily everyday (and so do I) in their prayers.  We freely talk about her and even consider what she may be "doing" in heaven with her Grandfather (my dad), Uncle Andrew, and her brother Jeremiah. We have her picture up in the living room and in the classroom we have her foot prints up on the wall with the footprints of the other children. She is a part of our family even as she awaits us in Glory.

I have updated her memorial site with a timeline and some thoughts and pictures.  Although I am not done yet those that would appreciate it are welcome to visit. There is a link on the sidebar to the right.(Caveat: If you are disturbed by pictures of Lily and our family, please do not visit and please do not post about how horrified you are by our pictures --our grief does not make for a witty blog comment--we have the right to greive as we wish. ~Most of you have no idea what that is about, please know it is not directed to you, but to a certain individual who has hopefully moved on with her life.)

Thank you Father for our Lily.

Thank you ladies for your prayers.

Grace and peace,

Jennifer 

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Posted by stillgrowing

You know what?? I thought that Lily was a beautiful baby girl, so rosy and precious! I loved seeing the pictures of her. Our pictures of Janie are not exactly ones that you have in a photo album, but I see beauty in her little face everytime I look at her. Those who come down on you for posting whatever you want to post regarding Lily are lost and sad and sick people, in my opinion, though that may be a harsh judgement. I remember well when my milk came in after she was born and the horribleness of it being "Janie's Milk, only she wasn't there to have it, and that was hard.......I'm so glad your family talks about Lily like she is still here, my family takes great comfort in doing that, and in wondering who she is playing with today, or who is holding her now......a couple of my kids have had dreams about her, and I think that was God speaking to them and showing them a slice of where their sister is..........Our prayers are with you nightly!

LOVE Leanne

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Posted by kampsplete

Oh Jennifer...my heart just ached when you talked about thinking you should go nurse the baby. And Leanne's comment got me too. I remember my milk coming in a couple days after Madison died, and I just sat and sobbed. I assumed that because the baby died my milk would not come in. I was WRONG! I remember standing in the shower and just sobbing my heart out. Luckily a nurse friend that helped us deliver Madison called me and gave me a technique for stopping the milk flow. It worked, and I was spared that torture. There is just nothing easy about it is there....I can't believe that someone would post anything negative about your pictures. I can't wait to go see them. It felt so good to post mine, and I love to go in and look at them everyday. I kept those pictures in a box for 10 years, and never showed anyone (except close friends and family), and now I can. I got so many wonderful comments that really encouraged me. Don't let the negative ones get you down. Your willingness to share them will minister to people out there who are hurting. I found that in my experience in the last week. It touched my heart so much. Well...I'm off to see your pictures. You remain as always in my thoughts and prayers dear friend...

Love to you....Kathy

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Posted by kampsplete

How are you doing today? I hope you are well... I wanted to tell you that your pictures of Lily are lovely. Though it just breaks my heart, I am so grateful that you are sharing them. These little ones are so precious to us, and I think it's a gift to be able to share them with others.

You continue to remain in my prayers, and in my thoughts daily. I am so glad that you have enjoyed the lyrics to the songs I have posted. They are all songs that have ministered to me this year. I have many more to share, and I delight in posting things that will minister to others, and be an encouragement.

Have a good week my friend....

Love, Kathy

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Posted by OreoSouza

I visited Lilly's website. This must be incredibly difficult for you, but what a lovely way to love Lilly today. I love your memories of her. I wanted to cry when I saw her photo, but more than that, I wanted someone to unwrap the blanket so I could see her fingers and toes and chubby baby belly.

I cannot begin to imagine your pain. I cannot begin to imagine what it is that you now know that I have never even begun to see, especially those things about heaven. This is truly the meaning behind the word "bittersweet".

A number of years ago, some friends of ours lost their first son in much the same way you did. Just a few days before his birth, they found that he had died.

It was a terrible time for them. A terrible time for those who loved them.

We didn't see each other too terribly often. A couple years after their son's death, we met for dinner and coffee without the children (between us we've got a fairly large handful of children). I asked her at some point about Joseph, her son, and how she was doing and what she thought about when she thought about him.

She was so grateful. I was grieved at how grateful she was. I'm not a very socially adept person, and I suppose that those who are more talented than I would have avoided the subject in order to spare my friend pain. But that was exactly what she wanted. To talk about Joseph like she talked about the other children.

A number of times before we parted company that night, my friend told me how happy she was that I asked about her son, that I remembered his name, that I was interested in him two years later.

Sometimes...except for the dumbest of us such as myself...we forget that just because a child is not living in the home of his or her mother, that the mother still thinks of her child and loves her child as though he or she were still there.

You talk and tell as you feel comfortable. I think your caveat entirely appropriate and well-worded. I hope I'm around in ten years when you think of Lilly being 10 years old and want to chat about her like you do your other children.

May God heal you deeply and thoroughly and bring you great joy over Lilly to replace your great grief over Lilly. It might take some time. But the day will come.

-Shurleen

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Posted by OreoSouza

P.S. I've never experienced a loss of a child like you have, but I have experienced the loss of a child. I am Umeme, Jumoke's mom. We are grieving too. Wondering if we will ever get over losing him. Wondering if things will ever "feel" normal again.

Not the same, but sometimes pain is just plain pain.

Perhaps it's my own loss that makes the purity of the pain, the unsullied completeness of your loss, so very strongly sad to me.

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Posted by Rosesandtea

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. We had a baby girl in 1997 named Mercy - she was not quite a stillborn as they were able to get her heart started but she never breathed on her own, and was never conscious during the 2 1/2 days she was kept on the respirator.

I wanted to say, I understand about your feelings of wanting to nurse. I could say so much more, but won't. I just want to reach across the miles, across cyber-space, and bless you with tenderness and some understanding. I can testify that God's grace is sufficient. One gift during that sad time was a greater appreciation of heaven.

God bless you.
kind regards
Karen

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