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Pilgrimage & Jubilee
I’m on a pilgrimage, a journey deep into the heart. Some might call it a Midlife Crisis, but I like to call it a Midlife Reckoning – a sober look at who I am and where I am going in life. If I had known at the beginning what it would take me through, I might not have had the courage to take the first step. As a newlywed, I memorized Psalm 84, and learned that the Valley of Baca represented a place of tears. How fitting it is for me to recall these verses as I meditate on the brokenness God has called me through this summer:
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength until each appears before God in Zion.
My own bittersweet pilgrimage started in April, when I attended a ladies’ workshop on the topic of pride. I thought I was just going to accompany my teenage daughters; of course, they needed to hear it. Oh my! How is that for pride? God had a much bigger purpose for me. Listening to the solid Biblical teaching convicted me, but that was just the start. One of the books I read, the classic Humility by Andrew Murray, showed me how we must actively pursue true humility as the only proper relationship between humans and their Creator. Foundationally, it is not whether or not we are being arrogant in front of others (though this matters, too) but how we see ourselves before God and how we respond to him. Murray says:
I am sure there are many Christians who will confess that their own experience has been very much like my own in this, that we had long known the Lord without realizing that meekness and lowliness of heart are to be the distinguishing features of the disciple as they were of the Master. And further, that this humility is not a thing that will come of itself, but that it must be made the object of special desire and prayer and faith and practice. As we study the word, we shall see what very distinct and oft-repeated instructions Jesus gave His disciples on this point, and how slow they were in understanding Him. Let us, at the very commencement of our meditations, admit that there is nothing so natural to man, nothing so insidious and hidden from our sight, as pride. Let us feel that nothing but a very determined and persevering waiting on God and Christ will discover how lacking we are in the grace of humility, and how impotent to obtain what we seek. Let us study the character of Christ until our souls are filled with the love and admiration of his lowliness. And let us believe that, when we are broken down under a sense of our pride, and our impotence to cast it out, Jesus Christ Himself will come in to impart this grace too, as a part of His wondrous life within us.” Andrew Murray, 19th century South African preacher, from Humility. For more information on this great saint, read this article: http://www.intouch.org/myintouch/mighty/portraits/andrew_murray_213652.html
After starting to read Andrew Murray’s book, I decided to embark on a serious Scripture study about humility. I spent hours and hours on this over a period of weeks. It amazed me how vigorously the Bible commands us to humble ourselves before God and warns of us how pride is an abominable barrier between us and him. I became so convicted of the evidences of spiritual pride in my heart, that I begged God to do whatever it would take to remove all remnants of this and my many other sins. I did not know then where this would lead me over the summer. It was very painful emotionally, especially when he called me to face up to unhealthy thought and behavior patterns which took root in my younger years. Almost all of them – no matter what outward form they took -- were long waving tentacles connected to the poisonous jellyfish of pride. I believe he allowed me to see my sin more clearly so I could seek fresh mercy from him. I just could not get past it by myself, so I cried out to him for help. When I didn’t know what words to say myself, I learned to appreciate the gift of praying in the Holy Spirit, and knowing that Jesus himself is interceding for me at the right hand of his Father.
During this time of utter brokenness before God, he faithfully brought forth myriad fountains of grace in my life:
© My husband Thad extended amazing mercy to me during my most difficult moments. He puts up with so much, and still comes back for more. I am blessed beyond measure with his love.
© Recalling thirty years worth of Scripture study and memorization, which spoke TRUTH into my heart when I otherwise couldn’t think straight.
© Prayer – realizing that this was SPIRITUAL WARFARE. One time when I forgot this, my little Naomi walked into the room with a paper-plate-and-pipe-cleaner “shield of faith” she had made in Sunday school. I got the message.
© Drinking in sermons and workshops at church, even listening to the CDs later. How did they know exactly what was in my heart?
© Singing (and weeping) to well-written worship music – in fact, I think this must have been one of the key “means of grace” in my life. Music reaches deep into the heart. It is a common grace to the human race.
© Receiving wise counsel, comfort, and prayer from a few trusted friends. Oh, how we need to carry one another’s burdens and embolden each other to walk in victory!
© Spending a lot of time (and ink) writing in my journal, trying to put my insights into words. Often, I would copy into it Scripture verses, quotes, poems, and even long excerpts from books I was reading. When the authors penned their thoughts so long ago, did they have any clue that they would be speaking so powerfully and poignantly into future lives decades and even centuries later?
One book which stayed by my rocking chair (when it wasn’t in my hands!) was The Valley of Vision, a collection of Puritan prayers edited by Arthur Bennett and published by the Banner of Truth Trust. Here is the end of a prayer called “Heart Corruptions.”
Help me in all my doings to put down sin and to humble pride. Save me from the love of the world and the pride of life, from everything that is natural to fallen man, and let Christ’s nature be seen in me day by day. Grant me grace to bear thy will without repining, and delight to be not only chiseled, squared, or fashioned, but separated from the old rock where I have been embedded so long, and lifted from the quarry to the upper air, where I may be built in Christ forever.
(Next month, Sovereign Grace Ministries, my very favorite source of Biblical, Christ-exalting, contemporary worship music, is releasing a CD based on The Valley of Vision book. It was written by folks like Bob Kauflin and Mark Altrogge, whose songs you might sing in your own churches. If you scroll down at this web site, you will find a place to sample the songs, look at the lyrics, download an entire free song, or order the book -- the beautiful leather bound one is worth the extra price, I assure you! http://www.sovereigngraceministries.com/music/projects/valleyofvision/)
Another constant companion during these months was the book Toward Jerusalem, a collection of poems by missionary Amy Carmichael. The way she lived in India totally intimidates me, but I can’t count how many times I have jotted her poems in my journals when faced with a hard place in life. Her poem “Wandering Thoughts” became my prayer as I tried to focus on what God wanted to teach me.
Gather my thoughts, good Lord, they fitful roam,
Like children bent on foolish wandering,
Or vanity of fruitless wayfaring;
O call them home.
See them, they drift like the wind-scattered foam;
Like wild sea-birds, they hither, thither, fly,
And some sink low, and others soar too high.
O call them home.
My silence speaketh to Thee, but I roam
With my poor silly thoughts, I know not where;
That undistracted I may go to prayer
O call them home.
Very recently, God graciously broke through into my soul! Early one morning after a night of fitful sleep, I began to see a vision of my heart at two levels. The crevices of the deeper region were mostly packed in with decades of debris. On top of this hard crust, I had piled on the outer workings of my daily life: wife, home school mother of 10, homemaker, church member, writer, and other duties. I realized that even in my spiritual life of Scripture study and prayer (which HAVE been so very valuable), I often live in the “oughts” and not from true desire or spiritual passion. As I wrote these newer insights into my journal, the crust to the deeper places started to crack open. Visiting a friend later that day, I tried to put into words what I felt God was saying to me. Her mouth dropped open, and she ran to get a book she had just started reading. I flipped through the pages, and MY mouth dropped open. Everything I had just tried to say, everything I had just written in my own journal, I found on the pages of a book called The Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge (www.SacredRomance.com).
The inner life, the story of our heart, is the life of the deep places within us, our passions and dreams, our fears and our deepest wounds. It is the unseen life, the mystery within – what Buechner calls our “shimmering self.” It cannot be managed like a corporation. The heart does not respond to principles and programs; it seeks not efficiency, but passion. Art, poetry, beauty, mystery, ecstasy: These are what rouse the heart. Indeed, they are the language that must be spoken if one wishes to communicate with the heart. It is why Jesus so often taught and related to people by telling stories and asking questions. His desire was not just to engage their intellects but to capture their hearts.
Indeed, if we will listen a Sacred Romance calls to us through our heart every moment of our lives. It whispers to us on the wind, invites us through the laughter of good friends, reaches out to us through the touch of someone we love. We’ve heard it in our favorite music, sensed it at the birth of our first child, been drawn to it while watching the shimmer of a sunset on the ocean. The Romance is even present in times of great personal suffering: the illness of a child, the loss of a marriage, the death of a friend. Something calls to us through experiences like these and rouses an inconsolable longing deep within our heart, wakening in us a yearning for intimacy, beauty, and adventure.
This longing is the most powerful part of any human personality. It fuels our search for meaning, for wholeness, for a sense of being truly alive. However we may describe this deep desire, it is the most important thing about us, our heart of hearts, the passion of our life. And the voice that calls to us in this place is none other than the voice of God.
Oh, this is true! I long for God to invade the deep parts of my heart, to wash away all of the debris with the healing flood of the Holy Spirit. I want to be filled instead with all that is lovely, noble, pure, admirable, and true. I want to be captivated by the glorious mystery of his surprising love for me. That is what he is doing for me and will continue to do as I confess my sins and repent before him. He will do it for you if you ask him crack through the crust of your heart.
And that brings us to Jubilee! According to the Old Testament, every 50 years the Jubilee brought liberty for the captives and a return to rightful inheritance. This month marks 30 years since the Lord mercifully saved me at a Hess family reunion in Pennsylvania. As I anticipated my spiritual birthday and prepared to attend this same reunion (a rare event for me), I asked God to give me a personal Jubilee 20 years early. He is answering this prayer by lavishing on me a spiritual liberty and legacy. I deeply desire to pass this liberty and legacy on to my own children. May God set them free from whatever sins I have already sowed into their souls. May he fill us all with the bounty he has prepared for us as we live and learn together as a family. May we each learn to love and worship him from the deepest places of our hearts. |
