Still Thankful for Marriage in the Storms of Life

This Thanksgiving Day, November 23, is a day for extra special gratitude in our family.  Thad and I will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary!  Tears well up in my eyes as I reflect on how thankful I am that my dear husband has been committed to stay by my side and serve our growing family in so many ways all these years. 

I know that for many of you who are struggling in family life, the thought of reading an article on marriage right now might be uncomfortable.  If so, I commend you for reading this far.  Maybe the title, “Thankful for Marriage in the Storms of Life,” reassured you that this is not the three easy steps to romantic bliss or some such thing.  Thad and I have learned about marriage the hard way, by living it day after day for over two decades.  Not all of those days have been pleasant.  We have been through many storms and dark valleys of marriage together.  Each year has brought new insights, some of them with a high price tag of hard knocks experience.  As in any marriage, there is an ebb and flow of feelings and emotions.  That is normal, I suppose.  Underlying those fickle little things, however, is a deep commitment to one another, for better or worse.  That commitment has been put to the test over and over again, and I’m sure that if it was based on anything else than our common foundation of commitment to honoring the Lord Jesus, it wouldn’t have fared so well.  In his mercy and kindness, the Lord revealed to me this year how I need to keep pursuing the fresh passion for my husband that we had in our courtship and early marriage.  You can imagine that the busyness of home schooling in a house filled with 10 active and not-always-compliant children could be a distraction to that, but it really is no excuse.  By God’s grace, Thad and I are now busy rekindling the friendship and heart-level fellowship which we treasured when we said “I do!” nearly 21 years ago.

If you are going through a difficult season in your marriage, I pray that you will take heart.  God is in the business of working in the tough places, of restoring and renewing marriages so that they will glorify him.  In 1985, I wrote a song for our wedding, and the chorus went like this:

Show us your purposes for our union, that we may glorify the Lord Most High!

Show us your purposes for our union, that we may glorify you, Lord. 

As the Lord has shown us his purposes over these past two decades, we have learned that our marriage really is to be for his glory, and not so much our own desires.  I don’t think any author has expressed this so poignantly to me than Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?  The pastors of our church asked the home group fellowships to discuss this book on couples’ night once a month.  I confess that it took me a chapter or so to warm up to it, but out of a sense of duty, I kept reading.  And as I read, I wept -- and repented.  I needed to grow up.  I needed to be thankful that the trials of my marriage were stretching me. Gary Thomas can say it much better than I can, so here’s a short excerpt: 

The key to the discipline of fellowship is understanding this fundamental reality: All of us face struggles, and each one of us is currently facing a struggle that we’re having less than one hundred percent success overcoming.  If we’re married, the fact is we’re also married to someone who is failing in some way.  We can respond to this “bitter juice” by becoming bitter people, or we can use it as a spiritual discipline and transform its exercise into the honey of a holy life.  In this fallen world, struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness are a given.  The only question is whether our response to these struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness will draw us closer to God – or whether it will estrange us from ourselves, our Creator, and each other.  Will we fall forward, or will we fall away? 

I wish I could include the whole book here.  It really is that good.  You will find chapters on how marriage teaches us to love, respect, pray, serve, grow spiritually, embrace difficulty, and treasure holiness far more than happiness.   There are also questions for discussion and application at the end of the book, and I think there is a related devotional book. You can find out more about Sacred Marriage and Gary’s other thoughtfully written books at: http://www.garythomas.com/  It is also available in most major Christian bookstores.  You can also read the table of contents and an excerpt at CBD: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=42827&netp_id=271679&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW

Gary Thomas often quotes C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney of Sovereign Grace Ministries. In her own book Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, Carolyn encourages wives who are struggling in their marriages: “If you are in an exceptionally trying situation with your husband, I encourage you to pour out your heart to the Lord of love.  He knows, He sees, and He hears; and though your tears may be lost on your husband, they are not lost on your heavenly Father.  He is the compassionate Lord who urges us to draw near to Him so “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).  Although you may not understand, you can be sure that your marriage has God’s loving inscription upon it.  God’s unerring wisdom has ordained your relationship with your husband – for your good and for Christ’s glory.  Look to God for strength to endure, for the Lord promises that He will husband you (Isaiah 54:5-6).  God will renew your strength so that you will not grow weary in cultivating a tender love for your husband.  Furthermore, you do not know that the Lord has planned for your future.  Your tender love for your husband could be the means God uses to soften his heart toward you and toward Himself.  I have seen this happen in many marriages.”   http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=B3030-00-11

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=46158&netp_id=348413&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW

Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci is another book we read this year, this time in preparation for our church’s marriage retreat. Gary Ricucci is a pastor at Covenant Life Church, a Sovereign Grace Ministries congregation in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  I noticed that Gary Thomas, in Sacred Marriage, also refers to the Ricucci’s book often, with good reason: lots of common sense centered on the grace and glory of God which is designed to be reflected in our marriages.  You can read the table of contents and excerpt for Love That Lasts at CBD: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=47825&netp_id=438118&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW#curr

or order it from Sovereign Grace:  http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=B3145-00-11

Thad and I sure enjoyed going to that marriage retreat last month.  I most remember Pastor Benny Phillips encouraging us to look for “evidences of God’s grace” in our spouses.  He chuckled as he recalled senior pastor Danny Jones’s advice to rejoice when we see them even “shuffling in the right direction” -- and took it one further by saying we should be glad if we even see them “leaning in the right direction”!  Let’s be thankful for even small signs of progress!  I actually was shuffling and leaning (on Thad) that weekend, since I had smashed my toe while buying a bottle of sparkling grape juice for a romantic hotel room dinner I had planned.  We didn’t get our long walk on the beach, but we settled for carrying our gourmet picnic right down next to the waves, complete with wedding china and crystal goblets, and then going for a nice long float at the beach.  Hey, it worked!   It reminds me of the time in our early courtship when we took a basket of apples and cheese to Leu Gardens, and enjoyed a leisurely picnic by the lake.  Or our very first date to St. Luke’s Cathedral downtown for a lunch time concert and a soup-and-sandwich “Bach’s Lunch” in the parish hall.  Or even our very impromptu along-the-way picnic in the park (with sandwiches from HoneyBaked Ham) just this past week!  Nice little ways to build a great lifetime friendship, wouldn’t you say? 

Yes, my dear Thad, I would marry you all over again!  Happy 21st anniversary, darling!

P.S. With Thanksgiving at hand (at least in the United States!), I’d like to close this article with a few more words from Gary Thomas: 

Thanksgiving is a privilege – it creates a positive focus in my life – but it is also an obligation: “Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good” (Psalm 136:1).  “Give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  Remember how Paul gave thanks for the Corinthians (see 1 Corinthians 1:4). 

 

When I am thankful for my spouse, the control that the familiarity of contempt has on me is broken.  I look for new things to be thankful for.  I try not to take the routine things she does for granted.  I never eat at somebody’s house without thanking them for providing the meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I’d give someone else?

 

There are few things that lift my spirits more than simply hearing my wife or children say, “Thanks for working so hard to provide for us.”  Those nine words can lift a hundred pounds of pressure off my back.

 

Contempt is conceived with expectations.  Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.  We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings.”