Dear friends,

This issue is a surprise one – for me!  I had intended to send out another one I had already finished compiling, but I’m going to save that for next month.   I think the Holy Spirit is leading me in a different direction for right now, and I trust that the timing will be beneficial to someone who may be struggling today.   (Let me know if that is you!)

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I have asked Gary Thomas if I could send along to you the chapter “Soul Mate or Sole Mate?” from his book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage.  He has graciously, on very short notice, granted that permission.   This book (which I have not read completely yet) has weekly devotions for husbands and wives.  It is based on one of his earlier books, Sacred Marriage, which made such a difference to me that I reviewed it in the November issue of the Hope Chest.  There are a handful of Christian authors whom I particularly appreciate after having read several of their books.  Gary Thomas is one of those.   Though he has a different style, he reminds me of Elisabeth Elliot in his understanding of Scripture, Christian history, the human spirit, and our need for thoughtful, purposeful, heart-level spiritual transformation.   I am currently starting to read one of his early books, Seeking the Face of God, which is subtitled “Strengthen your walk with God by exploring the faith of our spiritual ancestors” and is commended by J.I. Packer.  As always, I read with the book on one knee and my journal on the other, so I can jot down whatever particularly profound quotes I find.  Anyway, if you are interested in Gary’s books, you can visit his web site at www.GaryThomas.com.   

As long as I’m thinking of Elisabeth Elliot, let me pop in one of her quotes from the notes of a presentation on “Is He Really My Better Half?” which our pastor’s wife, Melodye Jones, gave on Sunday night for the married women of our church. 

“The consciousness that we are alike in our need of redemption is a liberating one.  For there will be times when you find yourself accusing, criticizing, resenting… But you will find yourself disarmed utterly, and your accusing spirit transformed into loving forgiveness the moment you remember that you did, in fact, marry only a sinner, and so did he.  It’s grace you both need… you love, accept, and forgive that sinner as you yourself expect to be loved, accepted and forgiven.  You know that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God, and this includes your husband who comes short, also, of some of the glories you expected to find in him.  Come to terms with this once and for all and then walk beside him as “heirs together of the grace of life.”  Elisabeth Elliot

And now, without further ado, on to the devotional from Gary Thomas: 

Soul Mate or Sole Mate?

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13

Well over two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Plato surmised that a perfect human being was tragically split in two, resulting in a race of creatures sentenced to spend the rest of their lives searching for that missing other who can complete them.

Thus was created the notion of the “soul mate.”

Despite its bizarre historical underpinnings, the notion of a soul mate has rooted itself in our culture, inspiring countless movies, novels, and Top 40 songs.  One Rutgers University study found that 94 percent of people in their twenties say that the first requirement in a spouse is being such a soul mate.  Just as surprising, 87 percent think they’ll actually find that person “when they are ready.”  A culture suspicious of God has nevertheless brazenly embraced some sort of forceful and intelligent destiny that brings two lovelorn souls together!

But there’s a danger in this line of thinking.  Many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate.  A student of my friend Byron Weathersbee once declared that she wanted to marry a man because “he gives me butterflies.”

While we may laugh at this, I’ve seen far too many couples want to end a marriage simply because the butterflies have left.  Individuals captivated by the “soul mate” line of thinking marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health, and other important concerns.  Then when the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were “mistaken”: this person must not be their soul mate after all!  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work.  Next they panic.  Their soul mate must still be out there!  Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their “one true soul mate” meant only for them. 

When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.

Can I suggest a more biblical pattern?  Instead of following Plato on a wild pursuit of our soul mate, we should seek to find a biblical “sole mate.”  A sole mate is someone who willingly does the shoe-leather application of living out biblical love.  The most accurate definition of true love is found in John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

This love isn’t based on feelings but on sacrifice.  It pictures love, not as an emotion, but as a policy – a commitment we choose to keep.  Such a love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved – none of us deserve Christ’s sacrifice! – but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because [God] first loved us” (1 John 4:19).  This takes us back to the very first devotion: loving our spouses “out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians  7:1).

A “sole mate” appreciates the truth that marriage is a school of character.  He cherishes his spouse as an imperfect sister in Christ who is helping him develop the biblical skill of love.  Clement of Alexandria, an early church father (ca. 150-215), captures this thinking marvelously when he writes, “The prize in the contest of men is shown by him who has trained himself by the discharge of the duties of marriage; by him, I say, who in the midst of his solicitude for his family shows himself inseparable from the love of God.”

Such sole mates are women or men who, through the duties and sacrifices of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love.  They live out the gospel on a daily basis, forgiving, serving, and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life (putting on a new roll of toilet paper instead of leaving a tiny shred, complimenting others for tasks instead of taking them for granted, being gracious instead of condemning when someone has had a hard day) in such a way that they see themselves as being in training to be godly (1 Timothy 4:7).

As Christ’s follower – as a true sole mate – I’m called to take his example and his definition of love and apply it to my spouse.  It really doesn’t matter whether my spouse is a “soul mate,” as much as it matters that I choose to love her with Christ’s love.  It means having a sacrificial mind-set marked by generosity, kindness, and mercy – for she certainly is my sole mate, my precious sister in Christ.

Become a biblical sole mate who walks in this truth, who daily travels God’s journey of sacrificial love, and who willingly goes into training to be godly.  This is a far more stable foundation on which to build a lifelong partnership than the theory of the philosopher Plato.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  It may not always be the most exciting love, it is certainly the truest love.’

~*~*~

I had to nod my head vigorously and gratefully while I read this devotion.  My husband Thad exemplifies so many of the character qualities with his faithfulness, his forgiveness, his service, his sacrifice, and his serious concern for spiritual growth and character in our family.  So, after 21 years of marriage, Happy Valentine’s Day sweetheart!  Thanks for putting up with me all these years!  (And you still give me butterflies!)  You are my soul mate and my sole mate!  Thanks be to God!

And to the rest of you, thanks for reading the Hope Chest.  I trust that this sudden change of plans for the February issue will prove to be providential.