Dear friends,

This issue is a surprise one – for me!  I had intended to send out another one I had already finished compiling, but I’m going to save that for next month.   I think the Holy Spirit is leading me in a different direction for right now, and I trust that the timing will be beneficial to someone who may be struggling today.   (Let me know if that is you!)

In honor of Valentine’s Day, I have asked Gary Thomas if I could send along to you the chapter “Soul Mate or Sole Mate?” from his book Devotions for a Sacred Marriage.  He has graciously, on very short notice, granted that permission.   This book (which I have not read completely yet) has weekly devotions for husbands and wives.  It is based on one of his earlier books, Sacred Marriage, which made such a difference to me that I reviewed it in the November issue of the Hope Chest.  There are a handful of Christian authors whom I particularly appreciate after having read several of their books.  Gary Thomas is one of those.   Though he has a different style, he reminds me of Elisabeth Elliot in his understanding of Scripture, Christian history, the human spirit, and our need for thoughtful, purposeful, heart-level spiritual transformation.   I am currently starting to read one of his early books, Seeking the Face of God, which is subtitled “Strengthen your walk with God by exploring the faith of our spiritual ancestors” and is commended by J.I. Packer.  As always, I read with the book on one knee and my journal on the other, so I can jot down whatever particularly profound quotes I find.  Anyway, if you are interested in Gary’s books, you can visit his web site at www.GaryThomas.com.   

As long as I’m thinking of Elisabeth Elliot, let me pop in one of her quotes from the notes of a presentation on “Is He Really My Better Half?” which our pastor’s wife, Melodye Jones, gave on Sunday night for the married women of our church. 

“The consciousness that we are alike in our need of redemption is a liberating one.  For there will be times when you find yourself accusing, criticizing, resenting… But you will find yourself disarmed utterly, and your accusing spirit transformed into loving forgiveness the moment you remember that you did, in fact, marry only a sinner, and so did he.  It’s grace you both need… you love, accept, and forgive that sinner as you yourself expect to be loved, accepted and forgiven.  You know that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God, and this includes your husband who comes short, also, of some of the glories you expected to find in him.  Come to terms with this once and for all and then walk beside him as “heirs together of the grace of life.”  Elisabeth Elliot

And now, without further ado, on to the devotional from Gary Thomas: 

Soul Mate or Sole Mate?

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13

Well over two thousand years ago, the Greek philosopher Plato surmised that a perfect human being was tragically split in two, resulting in a race of creatures sentenced to spend the rest of their lives searching for that missing other who can complete them.

Thus was created the notion of the “soul mate.”

Despite its bizarre historical underpinnings, the notion of a soul mate has rooted itself in our culture, inspiring countless movies, novels, and Top 40 songs.  One Rutgers University study found that 94 percent of people in their twenties say that the first requirement in a spouse is being such a soul mate.  Just as surprising, 87 percent think they’ll actually find that person “when they are ready.”  A culture suspicious of God has nevertheless brazenly embraced some sort of forceful and intelligent destiny that brings two lovelorn souls together!

But there’s a danger in this line of thinking.  Many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate.  A student of my friend Byron Weathersbee once declared that she wanted to marry a man because “he gives me butterflies.”

While we may laugh at this, I’ve seen far too many couples want to end a marriage simply because the butterflies have left.  Individuals captivated by the “soul mate” line of thinking marry on an infatuation binge without seriously considering character, compatibility, life goals, family desires, spiritual health, and other important concerns.  Then when the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were “mistaken”: this person must not be their soul mate after all!  Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work.  Next they panic.  Their soul mate must still be out there!  Such people can’t get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their “one true soul mate” meant only for them. 

When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.

Can I suggest a more biblical pattern?  Instead of following Plato on a wild pursuit of our soul mate, we should seek to find a biblical “sole mate.”  A sole mate is someone who willingly does the shoe-leather application of living out biblical love.  The most accurate definition of true love is found in John 15:13: “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”

This love isn’t based on feelings but on sacrifice.  It pictures love, not as an emotion, but as a policy – a commitment we choose to keep.  Such a love is not based on the worthiness of the person being loved – none of us deserve Christ’s sacrifice! – but on the worthiness of the One who calls us to love: “We love because [God] first loved us” (1 John 4:19).  This takes us back to the very first devotion: loving our spouses “out of reverence for God” (2 Corinthians  7:1).

A “sole mate” appreciates the truth that marriage is a school of character.  He cherishes his spouse as an imperfect sister in Christ who is helping him develop the biblical skill of love.  Clement of Alexandria, an early church father (ca. 150-215), captures this thinking marvelously when he writes, “The prize in the contest of men is shown by him who has trained himself by the discharge of the duties of marriage; by him, I say, who in the midst of his solicitude for his family shows himself inseparable from the love of God.”

Such sole mates are women or men who, through the duties and sacrifices of marriage, have trained themselves to love with God’s love.  They live out the gospel on a daily basis, forgiving, serving, and putting others first in the most ordinary issues of life (putting on a new roll of toilet paper instead of leaving a tiny shred, complimenting others for tasks instead of taking them for granted, being gracious instead of condemning when someone has had a hard day) in such a way that they see themselves as being in training to be godly (1 Timothy 4:7).

As Christ’s follower – as a true sole mate – I’m called to take his example and his definition of love and apply it to my spouse.  It really doesn’t matter whether my spouse is a “soul mate,” as much as it matters that I choose to love her with Christ’s love.  It means having a sacrificial mind-set marked by generosity, kindness, and mercy – for she certainly is my sole mate, my precious sister in Christ.

Become a biblical sole mate who walks in this truth, who daily travels God’s journey of sacrificial love, and who willingly goes into training to be godly.  This is a far more stable foundation on which to build a lifelong partnership than the theory of the philosopher Plato.

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  It may not always be the most exciting love, it is certainly the truest love.’

~*~*~

I had to nod my head vigorously and gratefully while I read this devotion.  My husband Thad exemplifies so many of the character qualities with his faithfulness, his forgiveness, his service, his sacrifice, and his serious concern for spiritual growth and character in our family.  So, after 21 years of marriage, Happy Valentine’s Day sweetheart!  Thanks for putting up with me all these years!  (And you still give me butterflies!)  You are my soul mate and my sole mate!  Thanks be to God!

And to the rest of you, thanks for reading the Hope Chest.  I trust that this sudden change of plans for the February issue will prove to be providential.

Still Thankful for Marriage in the Storms of Life

This Thanksgiving Day, November 23, is a day for extra special gratitude in our family.  Thad and I will celebrate our 21st wedding anniversary!  Tears well up in my eyes as I reflect on how thankful I am that my dear husband has been committed to stay by my side and serve our growing family in so many ways all these years. 

I know that for many of you who are struggling in family life, the thought of reading an article on marriage right now might be uncomfortable.  If so, I commend you for reading this far.  Maybe the title, “Thankful for Marriage in the Storms of Life,” reassured you that this is not the three easy steps to romantic bliss or some such thing.  Thad and I have learned about marriage the hard way, by living it day after day for over two decades.  Not all of those days have been pleasant.  We have been through many storms and dark valleys of marriage together.  Each year has brought new insights, some of them with a high price tag of hard knocks experience.  As in any marriage, there is an ebb and flow of feelings and emotions.  That is normal, I suppose.  Underlying those fickle little things, however, is a deep commitment to one another, for better or worse.  That commitment has been put to the test over and over again, and I’m sure that if it was based on anything else than our common foundation of commitment to honoring the Lord Jesus, it wouldn’t have fared so well.  In his mercy and kindness, the Lord revealed to me this year how I need to keep pursuing the fresh passion for my husband that we had in our courtship and early marriage.  You can imagine that the busyness of home schooling in a house filled with 10 active and not-always-compliant children could be a distraction to that, but it really is no excuse.  By God’s grace, Thad and I are now busy rekindling the friendship and heart-level fellowship which we treasured when we said “I do!” nearly 21 years ago.

If you are going through a difficult season in your marriage, I pray that you will take heart.  God is in the business of working in the tough places, of restoring and renewing marriages so that they will glorify him.  In 1985, I wrote a song for our wedding, and the chorus went like this:

Show us your purposes for our union, that we may glorify the Lord Most High!

Show us your purposes for our union, that we may glorify you, Lord. 

As the Lord has shown us his purposes over these past two decades, we have learned that our marriage really is to be for his glory, and not so much our own desires.  I don’t think any author has expressed this so poignantly to me than Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?  The pastors of our church asked the home group fellowships to discuss this book on couples’ night once a month.  I confess that it took me a chapter or so to warm up to it, but out of a sense of duty, I kept reading.  And as I read, I wept -- and repented.  I needed to grow up.  I needed to be thankful that the trials of my marriage were stretching me. Gary Thomas can say it much better than I can, so here’s a short excerpt: 

The key to the discipline of fellowship is understanding this fundamental reality: All of us face struggles, and each one of us is currently facing a struggle that we’re having less than one hundred percent success overcoming.  If we’re married, the fact is we’re also married to someone who is failing in some way.  We can respond to this “bitter juice” by becoming bitter people, or we can use it as a spiritual discipline and transform its exercise into the honey of a holy life.  In this fallen world, struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness are a given.  The only question is whether our response to these struggles, sin, and unfaithfulness will draw us closer to God – or whether it will estrange us from ourselves, our Creator, and each other.  Will we fall forward, or will we fall away? 

I wish I could include the whole book here.  It really is that good.  You will find chapters on how marriage teaches us to love, respect, pray, serve, grow spiritually, embrace difficulty, and treasure holiness far more than happiness.   There are also questions for discussion and application at the end of the book, and I think there is a related devotional book. You can find out more about Sacred Marriage and Gary’s other thoughtfully written books at: http://www.garythomas.com/  It is also available in most major Christian bookstores.  You can also read the table of contents and an excerpt at CBD: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=42827&netp_id=271679&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW

Gary Thomas often quotes C.J. and Carolyn Mahaney of Sovereign Grace Ministries. In her own book Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother, Carolyn encourages wives who are struggling in their marriages: “If you are in an exceptionally trying situation with your husband, I encourage you to pour out your heart to the Lord of love.  He knows, He sees, and He hears; and though your tears may be lost on your husband, they are not lost on your heavenly Father.  He is the compassionate Lord who urges us to draw near to Him so “that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Hebrews 4:16).  Although you may not understand, you can be sure that your marriage has God’s loving inscription upon it.  God’s unerring wisdom has ordained your relationship with your husband – for your good and for Christ’s glory.  Look to God for strength to endure, for the Lord promises that He will husband you (Isaiah 54:5-6).  God will renew your strength so that you will not grow weary in cultivating a tender love for your husband.  Furthermore, you do not know that the Lord has planned for your future.  Your tender love for your husband could be the means God uses to soften his heart toward you and toward Himself.  I have seen this happen in many marriages.”   http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=B3030-00-11

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=46158&netp_id=348413&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW

Love That Lasts: When Marriage Meets Grace by Gary and Betsy Ricucci is another book we read this year, this time in preparation for our church’s marriage retreat. Gary Ricucci is a pastor at Covenant Life Church, a Sovereign Grace Ministries congregation in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  I noticed that Gary Thomas, in Sacred Marriage, also refers to the Ricucci’s book often, with good reason: lots of common sense centered on the grace and glory of God which is designed to be reflected in our marriages.  You can read the table of contents and excerpt for Love That Lasts at CBD: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=47825&netp_id=438118&event=ESRCN&item_code=WW#curr

or order it from Sovereign Grace:  http://www.sovereigngracestore.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=B3145-00-11

Thad and I sure enjoyed going to that marriage retreat last month.  I most remember Pastor Benny Phillips encouraging us to look for “evidences of God’s grace” in our spouses.  He chuckled as he recalled senior pastor Danny Jones’s advice to rejoice when we see them even “shuffling in the right direction” -- and took it one further by saying we should be glad if we even see them “leaning in the right direction”!  Let’s be thankful for even small signs of progress!  I actually was shuffling and leaning (on Thad) that weekend, since I had smashed my toe while buying a bottle of sparkling grape juice for a romantic hotel room dinner I had planned.  We didn’t get our long walk on the beach, but we settled for carrying our gourmet picnic right down next to the waves, complete with wedding china and crystal goblets, and then going for a nice long float at the beach.  Hey, it worked!   It reminds me of the time in our early courtship when we took a basket of apples and cheese to Leu Gardens, and enjoyed a leisurely picnic by the lake.  Or our very first date to St. Luke’s Cathedral downtown for a lunch time concert and a soup-and-sandwich “Bach’s Lunch” in the parish hall.  Or even our very impromptu along-the-way picnic in the park (with sandwiches from HoneyBaked Ham) just this past week!  Nice little ways to build a great lifetime friendship, wouldn’t you say? 

Yes, my dear Thad, I would marry you all over again!  Happy 21st anniversary, darling!

P.S. With Thanksgiving at hand (at least in the United States!), I’d like to close this article with a few more words from Gary Thomas: 

Thanksgiving is a privilege – it creates a positive focus in my life – but it is also an obligation: “Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good” (Psalm 136:1).  “Give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  Remember how Paul gave thanks for the Corinthians (see 1 Corinthians 1:4). 

 

When I am thankful for my spouse, the control that the familiarity of contempt has on me is broken.  I look for new things to be thankful for.  I try not to take the routine things she does for granted.  I never eat at somebody’s house without thanking them for providing the meal; why should I not give my wife the same thanks I’d give someone else?

 

There are few things that lift my spirits more than simply hearing my wife or children say, “Thanks for working so hard to provide for us.”  Those nine words can lift a hundred pounds of pressure off my back.

 

Contempt is conceived with expectations.  Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude.  We can choose which one we will obsess over – expectations, or thanksgivings.”

 A Tribute to My Husband Thad

As I prepared two high school issues of the Hope Chest, I realized how much I have taken my husband Thad for granted in the way he has served our family.   As far as the high school years go, he has tutored math, held our teens accountable for school work and housework, chauffeured them to classes, helped choose the appropriate curriculum and educational opportunities for them, and walked through the college application and scholarship process.   Now I know that not all dads can do those things as easily as Thad, who has a somewhat flexible schedule, but the most important thing he does is something all dads can do.  HE PRAYS!   I can't count how many times, especially in recent months, that Thad has taken my hand and said, "Let's just pray about this."  It could be a decision we are making about high school or college, or how to deal with some of the overwhelming emotions that come from parenting teens, or whatever....  "Let's just pray."  Thanks, sweetie!  You're the best! 

"Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."  Ephesians 5:31-33 (ESV)

~*~

Moms are at very close quarters with active, curious children all day. Dads face the unrelenting drain of office politics, meetings, and phone calls. After trying to be patient with other people all day, it is easy to get irritable in the evening. Moms, please don't get so “peopled out” that your husband, your precious partner, feels unwelcome in his own home. If you need a little buffer time in order to be civil, arrange to lie down alone in a dark room and relax for a few minutes before Dad comes home. Try to make his “home coming” pleasant with a fresh appearance, a warm greeting, and a tidy house. Give him a chance to take his shoes off and peek at the mail before he gets bombarded with the burdens of the day. Get the children to tidy up and practice their best behavior, too. We can learn to treat each other royally.

~*~

Marriage is a priority, a privilege, and a prize. We need to protect it, nurture it, sanctify it, and commit it to God. A strong marriage is a legacy of love to our children and, in the Lord, is the foundation for building our family team. When children see Mom and Dad deeply in love, isn't this one of the most vital lessons they can learn in this school called home?