I am slowly learning to submit my life over to my God.  It's such a long process.  If I would just learn it quickly God could use me even more.  I find I am such a stubborn individual! 

DH is a youth pastor.  When our kids were fewer and smaller (2 kids aged 3 & 1) I loved being a part of the youth ministry.  Our youth are like extra kids to us.  We love and adore them.  It's so fun to watch them grow physically and spritually.  I love to go to graduations and weddings (even though that does make me feel quite old!)  More than that, though, I love being a part of helping them to grow spiritually.  I love to get together with them.  I love going to events.  I love being a part of their lives. 

Fast forward a few years.  I now have five children ages 8, 6, 4, 2, & 1.  When I first got married I didn't want children.  Then I thought two might be OK.  DH thought that wasn't enough, but didn't want three.  (He's a middle child.)  And so I agreed to four.  That was it, though.  God had changed my stubborn heart three times already.  I wasn't going to let him change it again!  We had our four, and I was happy.  DH wasn't.  He insisted that God had different plans for us than I had.  As I prayed about it I slowly allowed my heart to soften.  Finally, one day, I told God that I wanted to obey Him.  I prayed that He would allow whatever His will was for our family to take place.  A burden was lifted!  That night I began having my first pregnancy symptom (my feet always itch unbearably!).  I took a test, and realized that God answered my prayer much quicker than I was accustomed to!  (Sometimes it feels like I pray and search for months before I get a clear answer!) 

As much as I would love to do an over-nighter with the youth, or go to all the concerts or attend conferences, I suddenly have a new ministry.  My ministry is at home.  That's hard for me to swallow some days.  Before kids I was always at the church.  (I still am - it's just that with five kids in tow I'm a bit slower.)  I played a large role in the music ministry.  I was able to go and do.  I now play more of a behind-the-scenes role.  That is not my personality.  Once again, though, God is changing my stubborn heart. 

There are many days that I throw a pity party.  I often feel insignificant and worthless.  In my head I know all of the answers to combat this feeling.  I know that I have worth.  I know that my ministry is raising up new soldiers for Christ.  I know that I have a purpose.  But you know the feeling I'm talking about.  The "is this it?" feeling.  The "do I really have to sing another silly song?" thought.  The "doesn't anyone care that I have needs too?" view.  These are the days that instead of going to God with the right attitude I approach Him in the whiny tone that I always tell my kids to get rid of. 

My conversations go something like this:

Father, I want to be used.  Child, I am using you.

No, God.  I want to be used for something BIG!  You have no idea the way you are impacting the future.  I am already in your tomorrows.  I need you to obey today.

But, God!  I want to feel significant.   "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

Silence.  (Usually in an argument if I know I'm "losing" I'll withdraw.  I have to really think of the right words to win this one!)  

God.  I want to be something - for You.   I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

I want to feel your presence in this so-called ministry.  I don't always feel it.  I (He) tend(s) my (his) flock like a shepherd: I (He) gather(s) the lambs in my (his) arms and carry(ies) them close to my (his) heart; I (he) gently leads those that have young.

OK, Lord.  My tasks for today seem so menial to me.  Take me.  Use me.  What do YOU want me to accomplish today?  To do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God

I am so sorry, Father.  Please forgive my short-sighted selfishness.  Come to Me, and I will give you rest.