Write In His Light

Reflections of the past and letting go.....

It is so hard for me to write in this blog....not even the whole everyone is going to see it mentality.  It is so hard for me to do anything that takes commitment!  There I said it!   Most of these two areas stem from my childhood.  So how come if I am aware and trying...is it still so hard to get past?? So I figure maybe writing about it will help!  Sorry if some of this is repeats...I need a little more getting it out!

The first is when I kept a journal about things in my life when I was about 16 or 17.  I finally started putting things down about my life.   My mom told me that she would never read it!  This was a time in my life where I felt like I didn't have much love.  I rebelled a lot!   I made it hard on my mom, choosing between my abusive step dad and me.  A lot of things happened that she didn't know about and I didn't tell her.  But, now looking back on it she was a lot of times trying to do what was best and demand respect...respect from both partents.  In a lot of ways I did things to push her away. (Hmm....I just realized I do the same thing with God...maybe this is helpful!)  Anyway, so I wrote down a lot of things happening with the life of my rebellion, and let me tell ya' some of it wasn't pretty.  I was pretty much a good girl...I didn't smoke or drink excessively, or do drugs.  One day I realized that I forgot my journal that I religously put in my backpack every morning....I WAS FREAKING OUT!  I knew that my step dad would take it and read it.  When I got home I raced to my bedroom to find that it had moved from it's original spot of my headboard to my desk.  Now, I know that I didn't put it there because I always wrote in it right before I went to sleep...I had to get out of there!!!  Usually I wasn't allowed to go anywhere,....I had to come straight home!  I think all along my step dad knew what he was going to do, that is why he let me go with my little white lie.  I said that I had a project to do with my boyfriend for school.  I thought...it was TOO easy...he knows....well I stayed over there for awhile and was about to leave when who shows up at their door!!!???  Both my step dad and my mom.  They told my boyfriends parents EVERYTHING that was in that journal.  Okay, not only did I feel violated, but everyone knew my most intimate thoughts.  This lead to me leaving after a big fight issued and my step dad hitting me!  I left and had a hard time understand not to run from my problems as they have a way with catching up with you.  At some point you HAVE to deal with them.  I felt really let down and like who cares anymore....which leads into my second problem: I can't get into anything for the fear of failure or letting down my expectations that I put on myself.  It is almost like it makes me sick to start anything!  I don't even want to!  I hate lists!  I don't want to feel this way...I don't really know how to get out of the rut of feeling like that either! 

I hope that over time, more and more I will be able to let go of some of these bondages.  That is what they really are!  I guess the first step is recognizing them and knowing that through God I CAN turn them around for good.  Throught this past year He has shown me that HE is my Father.  My Father, that will never leave nor forsake me, no matter what mistakes I make.  He will pick me back up and guide me.  I don't have to hide my face from Him, nor push Him away.  He is not going to hurt me and abuse me like my earthly fathers.  He is compassionate and loving.  He wants me to come to Him to wrap His loving arms around me.  There are no stipulations or judgements that I can't go to Him.  Always when I am ready, He is there!  Thank you DADDY!

P.S. Wow!  I was going to write about something TOTALLY different and that just came out!