Write In His Light

Reflections of the past and letting go.....

It is so hard for me to write in this blog....not even the whole everyone is going to see it mentality.  It is so hard for me to do anything that takes commitment!  There I said it!   Most of these two areas stem from my childhood.  So how come if I am aware and trying...is it still so hard to get past?? So I figure maybe writing about it will help!  Sorry if some of this is repeats...I need a little more getting it out!

The first is when I kept a journal about things in my life when I was about 16 or 17.  I finally started putting things down about my life.   My mom told me that she would never read it!  This was a time in my life where I felt like I didn't have much love.  I rebelled a lot!   I made it hard on my mom, choosing between my abusive step dad and me.  A lot of things happened that she didn't know about and I didn't tell her.  But, now looking back on it she was a lot of times trying to do what was best and demand respect...respect from both partents.  In a lot of ways I did things to push her away. (Hmm....I just realized I do the same thing with God...maybe this is helpful!)  Anyway, so I wrote down a lot of things happening with the life of my rebellion, and let me tell ya' some of it wasn't pretty.  I was pretty much a good girl...I didn't smoke or drink excessively, or do drugs.  One day I realized that I forgot my journal that I religously put in my backpack every morning....I WAS FREAKING OUT!  I knew that my step dad would take it and read it.  When I got home I raced to my bedroom to find that it had moved from it's original spot of my headboard to my desk.  Now, I know that I didn't put it there because I always wrote in it right before I went to sleep...I had to get out of there!!!  Usually I wasn't allowed to go anywhere,....I had to come straight home!  I think all along my step dad knew what he was going to do, that is why he let me go with my little white lie.  I said that I had a project to do with my boyfriend for school.  I thought...it was TOO easy...he knows....well I stayed over there for awhile and was about to leave when who shows up at their door!!!???  Both my step dad and my mom.  They told my boyfriends parents EVERYTHING that was in that journal.  Okay, not only did I feel violated, but everyone knew my most intimate thoughts.  This lead to me leaving after a big fight issued and my step dad hitting me!  I left and had a hard time understand not to run from my problems as they have a way with catching up with you.  At some point you HAVE to deal with them.  I felt really let down and like who cares anymore....which leads into my second problem: I can't get into anything for the fear of failure or letting down my expectations that I put on myself.  It is almost like it makes me sick to start anything!  I don't even want to!  I hate lists!  I don't want to feel this way...I don't really know how to get out of the rut of feeling like that either! 

I hope that over time, more and more I will be able to let go of some of these bondages.  That is what they really are!  I guess the first step is recognizing them and knowing that through God I CAN turn them around for good.  Throught this past year He has shown me that HE is my Father.  My Father, that will never leave nor forsake me, no matter what mistakes I make.  He will pick me back up and guide me.  I don't have to hide my face from Him, nor push Him away.  He is not going to hurt me and abuse me like my earthly fathers.  He is compassionate and loving.  He wants me to come to Him to wrap His loving arms around me.  There are no stipulations or judgements that I can't go to Him.  Always when I am ready, He is there!  Thank you DADDY!

P.S. Wow!  I was going to write about something TOTALLY different and that just came out!

Please be in Prayer with me!

Please be in prayer with me about starting a HUGE ministry!  Through this ministry I want all provision to come from God.  I want to bring glory to God and help strengthen families.  I will tell the details when it gets going... for now it has to be between the Lord and I....thank you ahead of time for all your prayers!

Start believing in faith unseen!

Wow!  It's been a long time since I last posted!  I think I was trying to avoid it...REALLY!  I didn't want to have to put down what was happening to me!  But I am starting to believe more that God CAN and WILL do anything according to His will.  Through our trials and tribulations He is right there showing asking us to come to Him and let Him take it all.  The problem is we don't always do that!

All my life people told me that I can't be a writer or I can't have too many kids....most of those are family!  I know that they were well meaning and trying to "help" with what they thought and felt.  I just didn't realize how much I was basing my whole perspective on those very principles that I didn't want to believe were true!  The VERY ones that the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me that were wordly thoughts contrary to the true nature of God.  This past year as I felt everything fall apart and felt alone, stems from the fact of my feelings of my wordly father never being there and abandoning me or taking advantage of me.  God had to take me back through some really emotional and spiritual healing.  Telling me that He is My Heavenly Father, and I CAN rely on Him....He will never abandon me!  I can run to His comforting arms and He understands!  Through this I experience a peace and comfort that is like no other!  I know that God told us to homeschool and for me to stay at home with my children for me to raise and nuture.  Not putting them in the hands of strangers.  I mean I think that is okay for some...but for me, I feel that this is best and since I feel such a strong calling toward this....I feel that the other is not an option. 

I am saying this because I need to go talk to a pastor and I have prayed about it....but I hesitate because of what he is going to say.  I really need him to understand that me not staying at home and continueing to homeschool them is not an option!  In today's world, especially right now it is almost impossible to live on one income.  I really am trying to stop believing in the worldly lies that say I need to for now!  I believe that the enemy is out there to destroy and would LOVE it if I bought into this lie and started down this route...not really trusting that God will provide what we need,  meanwhile robbing us of our blessings.  We are homeless right now.  Because my husband didin't get the raise that was promised to him, it was like our pay went down.  He travels for work and with gas prices going up, insurance going up, and his car payment to be able to get to work...somehow we are just paying for him to get to work.  He can't seem to get another job and he is okay with getting an old car, but then we will have the car debt on top of the house debt we have from losing our house.  We are staying with my mom, but because of all the stress and strain it is breaking our family apart!  My husband and I love each other immensely, but right now it feels like we are miles apart.  I feel like my husband has given up, hence is why I need to go to the pastor.  I am not backing down on figuring out a way for us to work out a way to live on one income again.....God gave me some hope about starting a ministry....and then I felt like it was dashed because there is no way that little ole' me can do it...You know what....I am not supposed to...It is supposed to be from God! HE CAN!  I know that HE is calling me to do this...I just have to find someone here on earth that will believe in it too...I know that I can find them if I press on and believe that God will lead me!

Refining through the fire!

Am I all ALONE??

I've been thinking of a lot today about this.  I always thought I felt I must have been adopted for all the 'weird' things I do according to my family.  Besides, my sister telling me so!  Don't get me wrong I love them, but we think SO differently!  From the time that I was little, I knew that I wanted at least four children.  (I think that I secretly wanted more though)  Everytime I said something about this though, everyone around me would GASP and exclaim that that is a lot of children!  I didn't think so....FAST FORWARD to today.....I do have four children and we homeschool....even BIGGER GASP! 

Right now we don't know where GOD is going with us...we don't know where we will live or what we are going to do.  A lot of people who think we have too many right now and just like "see" "see" "see" you can't afford four kids.  Um, no...we would be in this situation whether we had four or just one!  If I thought this mentality then we wouldv'e NEVER had our last two.   My 4 yr. old sweet frilly princess daughter who JUST decided that SHE will go in the potty! (good thing for M&M's!)  :) And for my sweet little 2 yr. old "lovey" boy...who melts this mammas heart!  They are SUCH blessings!  We didn't listen then to others...why should we now!? ;)  I am trying to hold out and wait for God!  I know that He is about to do something big!  It is going to be for His Glory!  I have been dreaming though...(I hope it is not too far off.....)...

Here is my daydream:

That we could find some like minded homeschoolers...who love being around kids and don't mind them...and that we could hang out with them and live on some land together....a whole homeschooling, God faring community!!  I wonder if there is anything out there like this??  If there is...I need to find it!  I am tired of not having anyone that enjoys ALL my children around.  I feel VERY alone that I am the only one that doesn't mind children around all the time!  Where oh where???

Unfit Puzzle Pieces!

There are some people who can do a puzzle in a couple of hours, no problem.  I guess it comes with practice and patience.... I don't know which are you, but I am not one of those that I mentioned.  I end up getting frustrated and impatient.  It seems as though they made a puzzle with all the same pieces so that no matter which one I pick they don't fit together.  Sometimes, I hear the ole'...might as well give up...then my stubborness comes in and takes over...Or I walk away from it for awhile and then come back and it becomes much easier.

Our faith in God is a lot like that.  Sometimes, it requires practice and patience, that we don't think we have!  Sometimes we get frustrated and impatient and try to do things on our own.  Sometimes, it feels like the world is against us and no matter what we do, nothing seems to be good enough.  Sometimes it feels like we just should give up!  Stubborness can be good...directed in God's love and discernment.  Sometimes we need to let it go and give it to God for awhile and he will show us the way.  Casting all our burdens on Him.  

Matthew 11:28-30 says  28 Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

Doing so our burdens really do become easier.  When we just feel like giving up we can hop in our Father's Lap and feel His soft feathered wings around us.

Psalms 36: 7-9  helps me remember that we can go to Him and He will hold us and be satisfied and lifted up!

Oh, Lord You alone are so gracious and loving!  Please help hold me up today!  They are taking our house today.  How can they get away with that?  How can they lie about EVERYTHING and then just take it away?  Not one thing that they said they were going to do, did they do.  Then, when we say we can't do it because those certain things weren't done they immediately take action to take it away instead of helping us.  I trust in You Oh, Lord!  I just can't stand for them to keep getting away with this and hurt others.  Circumstances around us DO NOT LOOK GOOD!  Our credit is destroyed and we are losing everything around us!  We won't have anywhere to go.....I am trying desparately to look up to you Oh, Lord and not give up!  I know that you will provide a place for my family.  I know that You will handle the things I can't.  Please help me today, Oh Lord!  I need your lap and I need You to carry me right now!

All in HIS timing

The world seems so busy when you fall sick or ill and you watch it whirl around you.  Everything stops for you while you are lying there, but the world goes on.  Sometimes God allows satan to attack our health because He wants us to slow down and come to Him.  If your stubborn like I am, it takes A LOT to knock you down to the point that gets your attention.  When Job was attacked health wise and everything was stripped from him, he still turned towards God to praise Him.  He endured losing everything and the pain because he was looking up focused on God.  Others around him were telling him what he should do and asked..."Where is your God now?"  They were mocking him when they didn't see him jump up and try to fix things on his own.  God has brought me to that point...so gently I must say.  The year before He made me go through Job, my heart was hard.  Part of it did partain to me...but I had my health, right??  This past year my health declined at a rapid rate!  I believed it to be the tubal that I had because it seemed that was where it stemmed from.  The pain was bearable in the beginning and then it got so bad that I "had" to look up.  He got my attention and was right there all the time waiting for me.  Satan had confused me in such a way and twisted things around that I didn't know which way was up or down.  God revealed to me a lot during that pain session.  He reminded me when He took me through Job.  He said it was going to be in HIS timing and that His ways were not our ways.  He reminded me of the verse He gave me the year before...Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you,"declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  This verse was VERY dear to my heart because it stemmed from a misscarriage that I felt I had even though it wasn't documented.  This verse was at the start of the downward spiral that I was about to go on.  But He was so gentle and gave me that hope in the beginning and then RIGHT when I needed it to hang on and know that He was there. The last part especially spoke to my heart because, boy did I need that more than ever!!  I found Him right there, when I seeked Him with all my heart!  Then I started praising Him through my pain.  He revealed to me that my pain was not in vain and that He had a purpose for it...a plan.   I focused on Him and it didn't go away, but it made it bittersweet.  I knew that He had something for me, that He was trying to tell me that He had a purpose for it!  When things started going downhill with my body, my dh and I decided to get my tubal reversed and prayed to God for the provision.  When it didn't come right away, I started to doubt God.  I would say, "I thought you were going to do this for me".  He was telling me wait.  I don't know about you, but that is not something I like to hear! I kept reminding God of what He already knew.  Well, as I look back on the point I am at right now I know that each part that played out was crucial for the end.  I have learned to lean on Him more.  Okay, know I will tell you what happened, so you too can be encouraged when you are waiting and feeling alone.  My pain got even worse!  So bad that I had to go to the hospital, where I was scared to go.  They told me that I had cysts.  I felt like, FINALLY someone believes me that I have a lot of pain.  The doctors started treating me different now that they could find something.  The only outcomes were to wait and see if it gets better or surgery.  Well, my dh and I decided to wait because we wanted the tubal reversal as well.  So they gave me some "loopey" pain medicine and sent me on my way.  I was off it for a week and then the next month when I had my visitor it came back STRONGFOLD!  After a week I started running out of medicine and I knew that if it kept up I would be in trouble!!  So I had to call my doctor and get the ball rolling.  I went and saw her the year before, but I brushed her off with the other doctors that I saw, not really giving her the chance.  God revealed to me that I wasn't honest with her in telling her that I thought it was from the tubal.  I told Him, well I told that other doctor and he chewed me out.  Yes, but I didn't tell this one.  This one He gave to me.  Her nurse practictioner I didn't like either, but I realized I never really did give her the chance I gave them.  That is when she called....right after I said I was going to be honest and tell her how I felt!  God's perfect timing!  I was open and honest and she was willing to help me achieve everything that I wanted and had a listening ear! WHAT!!!!!  You mean all along I couldv'e just done this??  Well, no.  She said that they might pay for the tubal reversal because I was having problems right there at that source.  She was very helpful in giving me numbers to call and her direct number. WOW!! WOW!!!  I really do hope that God has the tubal reversal paid for, but if He doesn't then I know that something else is His plan.  He will reveal to me, his perfect plan.  It is all in His perfect timing!! I am thankful that I have a Father who cares for me and is able to do what is best for His princess!

There's a first time for everything!

I never wouldv'e thought that I would be making a blog!!  Of course if you wouldv'e told me that I would be homeschooling I probably wouldv'e thought that you were crazy too!  It is amazing how much we let what happened to us influence what we do for the future.  Even the very things that we want to do, we remind ourselves of an unpleasant experience that we had.  I had always wanted to write, but I let the opinions and influences of others tell me that I couldn't.  God has done a work on me, let me tell ya'!  I am now living my dream, but it sure took a lot to get there.  I am a stay-at-home mom who homeschools her four kids and lovin' every minute of it!   I never do anything the easy way.  I am stubborn!  But God knows us individually and uniquely.  I am so glad for that!  He really does know exactly what we need and how we need it!  Of course, to a stubborn person it seems like those lessons take forever to learn! So, here I write my first entry ever and hoping that there are many more to go along with it!