We thought it would be a boring summer. That is until we discovered a life boat on it's side next to the dunes of the perilous ocean.
"Who do you think it belongs to?" Jessie asked bending down for a closer look.
"I don't know. It looks new. See, the name on the side is 'LADY EAGLE' Let's flip her over and look inside."
As they began pulling the boat about, so they could peer in, a voice pierced the quiet lapping of the waves and the stillness of the moment.
"Don't! Leave it as it is and don't ask questions. Now beat it!"
Well.........how was that???? Check out Suzy's site at www.homeschoolblogger.com/WritingWorkshop
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OK. Beginnings. I love EVERYTHING you did to begin the boat story...except that opening line. LOL (That's the one I put there, right?). I made that first sentence especially boring (try not to start a story with "One sunny day") and started it just as badly as I could. You did not have to use that sentence in your "hook." In fact, the worksheet says to CHANGE the opening sentence into a "hook."
I love your dialogue and the sudden, unknown voice. You definitely have something going here.
However, I'd like to see you go back and change (as in GET RID OF) that first sentence. Replace it with action, or something like: Jessie saw it first. She grabbed Nathan's arm and pointed to the lifeboat rocking near the beach.
(I"m sure you can think of something better. That was just a sample and kind of lame, since it was fast). LOL
Let me know when you've "fixed" it. :-) You don't have to sign Mr. Linky again, as I can just click on the original.
Edited by Brenna13 on Dec. 29, 2007 at 7:31 PM