We went down Sunday and joined a health club.  This is something out of the ordinary for us as we are not fitness minded people.  What I know about fit can be summed up in 'clothes that don't' and 'kids that do' but getting in shape was not our motivation for joining. 

Our kids just spent 2 weeks at their grandparents learning to swim and they made good progress.  They were all a little timid around the water before and so the fact that they are now willing to jump right in and swim fully submerged is significant improvement.  We wanted them to have access to a pool so they can continue to practice and improve and joining the health club seemed like a good solution.

The membership is month by month with no contract which is perfect - we can swim everyday in August and September and then walk away until next summer.  The kids love it.

Since I have this membership for the next 2 months, I decided I should take advantage of it and attempt to exercise. 

I am probably the least coordinated person on the planet.  Former attempts to exercise have included renting aerobics videos which literally leave me in the dust within the first minute.  I can't keep up, I can't do the moves, it just doesn't work so I would never dream of joining one of the many group classes they offer at the club.

I did own a treadmill for several years and I had pretty good success with it when I wanted to.  Putting one foot in front of the other was within the scope of my ability.  The only down side was that the thing was a major space hog and since I would go months at a time without touching it, I finally decided there were more efficient clothes racks I could put in my bedroom.

When I thought of using the health club, I was intrigued by the elliptical machines.  I'd never used one but I have friends who have and everyone had good things to say about them.  I went down yesterday to try one out.

I completely dreaded going in there.  I know my knit shorts circa 1991 and my oversized T-shirt were far from club chic.  In this family, the search for "fairest of them all" is a real contest.  My skin is so white, I was once stopped by a grandmother in a convenience store who came out of the blue with, "You aren't from California are you."  "A native actually, and thanks." 

Add my conspicuous appearance to my lack of coordination and complete ignorance of all things health club and you will understand why I had to force my rather introverted self every step of the way.

Of course it was a big pain on top of it.  It took forever to get all the kids ready and all the swim stuff packed.  When we got there, I checked the older ones into the Youth Center and took the little ones to the Play Center only to find they weren't registered.  I had to go back to the front desk and take care of the paperwork and all of that took half an hour but I finally arrived at the equipment room. 

When I had initially approached the front desk, I explained that this would be my first attempt at an elliptical machine and I asked if there were instructions on the machines.  The lady assured me that instructions weren't needed, you just push start and go.  Sounded simple. 

I had packed my little AM/FM radio as we were warned that you need a radio to listen to the TV. 

When I approached the room, I naturally gravitated to the side with the fewest people.  As luck would have it, the least populated side happened to be the side showing Fox News - perfect!  I selected a machine and set out to tune my radio to 88.7 as it indicated on the TV.  Well, as there is nothing simple, it took me several minutes to figure out that while my radio was switched to FM, I was looking at the numbers on the AM dial.  Finally I was hearing Tony Snow's press conference, now it was time to turn on the machine.

I pressed start.  It asked me my weight - I told it.  It asked me my age - I told it.  It asked me my fitness goal - after perusing the choices, I picked one.  After several questions, it stopped asking but nothing happened.  I've now been standing on this machine for probably 5 minutes and still I haven't moved a muscle.  I scan the machine for clues and find a little note that says, "For quick start, press quick start and start moving."  I pressed quick start, I started moving and it went. 

Within 30 seconds I knew I was in big trouble.  My knees and thighs were already burning like there was no tomorrow.  I felt like I was walking backwards but as I looked at the other ladies on elliptical machines, I determined it must just be in my head.  By the 2 minute mark, I had serious questions as to whether I would be able to walk if I went much longer.  After all the time it took me to get going, I couldn't very well hop down after 2 minutes so I pressed on and made it to five minutes.  When I got down, my legs were so shaky, I wobbled back to a treadmill. 

In my unstable condition, my radio fell.  Naturally, it deflected off the machine several times on its way to the floor to make the maximum amount of noise.  I picked it up and plugged my headphones back in.  It had lost its frequency so I started to tune it in again.  I think I was farther from the transmitter now and I couldn't for the life of me get that thing to tune in that TV.  I ended up listening to some radio station talking about MTV and its effects on our culture, then and now.  Not my first pick of stations but I couldn't mess with it anymore.

I pushed start on the treadmill - it didn't start - instead it played 20 questions.  After answering all the questions, it started.  Yeah!  I had told it I wanted to go for 15 minutes and so that is how long it went.  I think it would be altogether better if you didn't have to preselect the time as I could have gone a little longer but I figured that was enough for day 1. 

I showered, retrieved my kids and we headed to the pool.  It was an experience.  I am still very unclear as to whether I was going backwards on the elliptical.  As I watched the other machines from my vantage point on the treadmill, I began to think I may have been doing it wrong.  If anyone knows if it is possible to walk backwards on an elliptical machine, I'm very interested to find out. 

I will give the elliptical one more chance.  If it doesn’t go any better, I will settle for the treadmill.  Walking I can handle.