About two months ago I picked up a book at the library called The Christmas Letters by Lee Smith and just got around to reading it lat week. I first I really enjoyed it; it chronicled the life of first one woman and then her daughter through their yearly Christmas letter (like the kind DH says I should write, but I never have). But then, after 24 years of marriage she divorces. Tragic as I think that is, it is still not what bothered me so much.  What bothered me was that, from that point on the novella became just another example of the popular literary theme of a woman “finding herself” outside of her marriage. “…this was the moment when my self came back, or when I came back to my own real self again.” (pg 87) The protagonist realizes that all those years she was alive, but not ‘really living’. “I was alive, if that’s what you mean. But I missed the Sixties entirely, as a matter of fact. I was just too busy having babies and Tupperware parties.” (pg 82).

            I just think it’s sad. Why is it that if a woman devotes herself to or works at or stays at home to marry or raise a family the perception is that she must “lose herself” to do so? Why must this be so? Do you understand what I am asking? Why can’t a woman be herself while raising a family?

            What is it that is meant when it is said that someone has ‘lost herself?’ It seems to entail some degree of denying or sacrificing ones own desires to meet the needs of ones family. Well I admit I do that on a daily basis: I get up before I want to, prepare three (semi)healthy meals at (somewhat) regular intervals, read Harold and the Purple Crayon (again) when I’d rather be reading Jane Eyre, and go to the playground when I’d rather be scrapbooking. And yet, I feel I am myself.

            If I were young and single, or a brilliant career woman, would I be able to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted?  Certainly not, and furthermore the idea is rather childish: “When I grow up I’m going to stay up ALL night!” In any other role the only thing that would change is the people whom I am sacrificing for; my time demanded by a professor or employer or client; probably someone who in reality I care very little about, and yet whose opinions or desires would have enormous influence in my life. Free from ‘the shackles of family life,’ I still would not have much time for Jane Eyre or scrapping. Would I be more myself then?    

            I know the idea is not a new one. The Awakening, first published in 1899, depicts what happens to one young woman who determines to ‘discover her own identity’ and ‘define her own life,’ through selfishness it seems: "Every step she took toward relieving herself from obligations added to her strength and expansion as an individual.” (The result is rather tragic). I suppose the difference lies in the fact that Chopin’s novel shocked readers of the day, whereas the very same ideas today are looked upon as common, the natural order of things, to be expected even, a truth. That, to me is the sad part. That a woman, especially a stay at home mom, is almost expected to be unhappy; that a marriage is almost expected not to last, and that these ideas are being fed to us as truth in our literature and in our culture.

            I am me. How’s THAT for profound? ;) I am the only me I know how to be. I am happy. I suppose the difference is Jesus. I know what I was, and what I am now – that I was blind and now I see, that I have new life in Him. How could I not be happy? There is freedom and fulfillment being in His will. I am happy because I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am not fighting God. Please note: I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Do I believe marriage (or kids) is for everyone? No; but I do believe that God has a plan for each of us, and that no one can be happy outside of His will. And that, I suppose makes all the difference.  

                                    And do not be conformed to this world, but be

transformed by the renewing of your mind, that

you may prove what is that good and acceptable

and perfect will of God.                 Romans 12:2

Posted by Marilyn

There are many truths in what you said here. I like it and I'm glad you're my DDIL (dear daughter-in-law).

Posted by EEEEMommy

Hooray for a deep post! Too bad it took me over a month to read it! ;)

I really enjoyed reading your thoughts here and am in complete agreement! How sad that our culture does not see things the same way!

Posted by EEEEMommy

Hooray for deep posts! :)
Too bad it took me over a month to read it! ;)

I appreciated reading your thoughts here and completely agree. It is so sad that so many woman have bought into the feminist lies that being a wife and mother cannot be beautiful expressions of who we are as women. Tragically, I see this errant philosophy affecting even godly Christian women. Even those who choose to stay home with their kids are often looking ahead to the time their kids are grown and they can do what they really want to do. I want to appreciate this season, and like you said, be me! :)
I appreciate your wonderful words of wisdom and encouragement!