I have a huge confession.  I am having problems with my marriage, and it is affecting my whole family...to my children, to my parents to my siblings.  I am 38 years old...shouldn't I have my head together yet?  I am a Christian...I am a struggling Christian.  I keep wanting to take over my troubles and deal with things myself....rather than allow God to work.  I open my mouth when I should not.  I react when I should not.  I have even taken again to strong language when frustrated around my children and husband.  *My friend is going to be laughing as she reads this...she is not a Christian and finds me funny and entertaining....I am just saying that is ok z enjoy this one too lol*  Though she knows my problems here in my home and she hasn't really laughed at them.  She opened her home to me and my children this summer and we spent afew months with them.  Like she said, it was not always easy.  And I know that it was ackward at times - I think....when I would try to follow the Lord's word.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face and didn't look very Christian.  It was ackward.  But we grew from our experiences and learned many things.   I do pray that we didn't leave any lasting bad impressions on them.  lol. 

As I was saying.  My life is in a constant termoil.  Some days I am ready to walk out.  I have come to question my husbands salvation.  I do not know if he has any faith in God.  He won't pray with us and refuses to, and doesn't support me in homeschooling.  So it makes it hard somedays.  He has approached our children with the idea of public school when I am not there.  So.....what am I to do?  I am unable to consider public school again.  I have done that, and with that even he was not involved.  Is there nothing that he will support us with???  Does it get better???  God can move mountians....why is He not moving this one?  Is my faith so small?  I am thinking that I don't have a real relationship with Christ.  I am not in the Word every day, because I find it hard to do...so many distractions.  Kids constantly bickering and complaining....I am slowly watching my family rot - we are not rooting in good soil.  We moved to the countryside a year ago....left all we knew behind - all our homeschool contacts and supports....where we were accepted.  And came here where we are.  Homeschool isn't very tolerated....it isn't held in contempt.  I haven't much for support here.  We are not coping with settling into the countryside either anymore.  It is like we hit a brick wall.  I don't drive, I always relied on city transit.  We are so financially stressed.....there is no money for anything extra.  And two vehicles on the road is unlikely to happen as me finding gold in my back yard.  lol.  We have to be responsible with what money we do have and use it carefully.  God I think wants me at home with my children.  Not flying all over the place and running to a full time job.  So living on one income is very hard indeed.  If we could figure it out, I would look at some ideas for working out of my home.  Daycare is out....my patience is now bare thin.  And fixing our home up to be child safe is something we can't afford.  I have asked my husband to move us into town and renting there, then out here.  Then I could work afew night shifts.  Maybe we could even figure something out for the farmers market?  My daughter is a natural entreprenure...ok so I can't spell that word.  But she loves to be creative... something like this would be good for her.  We did something like that for afew weeks while visiting our friend.  My daughter made earrings with my friends daughter and they sold them in the village market.  They had alot of fun. 

I don't see myself anywhere positive in 5 years if my life keeps going like this.  My kids are all going to have relationship problems and trouble in their walks with Jesus.  My oldest son talks alot about working for God.  A Pastor or youth leader...something.  I don't want to ruin his life with garbage like this.  I want a Christ filled home and a Godly husband leading us daily with prayers and devotions.  I want him to be a good steward with our money.  I want him to pay our bills on time and save money for a rainy day.  I know I need to rejoice even in the worst of times.  Rejoice in God, because He has a plan.  I must sit still and wait...and shut my mouth.  I need to let the Holy Spirit work rather than handcuff it.  I am so set on complaining that I am not taking in account the blessings.  I am miserable.  My husband has started tithing!!  Rejoice!!  We were given $200 so we could buy our children Christmas gifts when we couldnt'....Rejoice!!!!  We have been given ground beef that isn't polluted with whatever it is all beef is shot with in order to make the cow grow faster....Rejoice!!!!  We just may yet beable to find enough gas to take us home for the holidays to be with my parents and my grandmother for our last Christmas all together....trying hard to Rejoice!!!  Can I be rejoicing if we don't?  Today I cried and ranted.  Can I do better with it later if we can't?  I am praying that I can.  I so badly want God as the center of my life.  To let Him lead and be just go where He directs me too.  Tonight I posted a message an old friend sent to me.  She is so happy with her life....very content.  I want to be content....I want more in my life...not things - not items.....but more of something.  I am tired of sticking my head in the sand.  I want to live!!!  I want freedom.  I want to be on FIRE!!!  I want just to live and be happy living and be content.  I sound like the story book about "If you give a mouse a cookie".....I have made a full circle of what I wants....and came back to the first I wants.  I want my children to be on fire for God too....that isn't being repeated lol.  I don't know what I want for my husband yet.  But I am praying that God breathes life into him.  I guess I want to be a tight knitted Godly family.  yup....

Please pray for me.  Thank you. 

Merry Christmas and blessings to all this New Year!!!  May your days be filled with joy.....

blessings from acraisydaisy