I have sat here and in deep thought wondered what I should write.  I posted before Christmas how miserable I was, and after Christmas how blessed we were.  And now I sit in silence.  How I would love to be content.  I see in my mind the ideal life that I would love to live.  A life with my children with me and they are!  Where they are happy and full of joy and endless laughter...they sometimes seem to be.  Alot of the times they aren't.  Since the snows blew in, it has been alot of bickering and complaining.  I ask one child to do something - and that child has a reason to argue or complain...or an excuse to be tardy and unwilling to comply.  I then tend to begin to lack patience and well......I tend to lose it.  I feel like I am lacking in faith.  I wonder if the winter is getting to me now too.  It can definitely get boring around here.  We need more things to do.  A lack of finances makes that very minimal indeed....and sometimes it brings on more complaining.  What am I saying?  It brings on alot of complaining.  Not to mention anger and blame.  I am not a spoiled needy person.  I like a quiet and simple life.  I wish it could be alot more simple than it is.  My husband and I are so different - he claims to others that I would be happiest spending money and buying myself all sorts of things.  But yet, the person who hasn't learned to manage money has been him.  I am angry at him.....and I am trying hard to be a proper wife who quietly lets him manage everything.  I have tried to suggest things in the past on ways things could be done differently, but I am ignored completely.  There are 4 vehicles in our yard.....did I mention that I don't drive?  There is another two in the yard where he works....one he claims is for parts for the other that he wants to work on.  We can't manage even paycheque to paycheque anymore....his favorite place has become a money lenders - to borrow what he owed them the time before.  I might not have any internet by the end of this month if he doesn't pay the bill.  He hasn't been paying the health care and they are going to start sending hate mail....and he has two loans already to cover his spending habits already.  I am at my wits end.  My children better not get sick, because there have been times we can't afford the prescriptions.  They know what is going on, can't hide it when you live in a tiny trailer and the walls are so thin.  They apologize to me when they get sick!!!   I have no one that I can talk to here.  We are new to the area....moved here a year ago.  And have been miserable ever since.  I went to the church to talk to the Pastor and he hasn't been able to help us sort anything out.  He did cover the costs for us to attend a marriage course by Alpha.  But what good is that going to do....is what I want to ask him?!!  The church just covered the fees so our oldest could go on a youth group trip....I felt like screaming when the Pastor asked us if we were having financial difficulties.  I said yes we were.  I felt like saying that we still are since the last time that I tried to talk to you!!!  But felt that I would be rude and disrespectful.  I wanted to keep my daughter home because I don't want outsiders peeking in.  I am tired of options and questions.  I am tired of this life here.  Life is what?  That is what I want to ask.  I am not depressed...just unloading.  I am not weeping or bemoaning my terrible lot in life.  Just wanting to dump some things off my shoulders and maybe someone will find it and pray for us on this particular issue.  I do love my husband, but I am tired of this.  I have told him finally that I feel he is going to get himself into trouble that he can't get out if he doesn't find some help.  It is an addiction, like crack and booze.  I grew up in an alcoholic household as a child.  I was verbally abused and watched my parents scratch out a living for the family.  They worked hard and many times blood was spilled.  My dad almost cut his leg off with his chainsaw once....he was a farmer.  Many time he almost lost fingers too.  Chainsaws don't have alot to do with farming...but he was always busy, keeping the farm clean of debree.  We always cleaned out the tree lines and had a brush fire if things got too ugly looking...always have to be careful of fires.  We always had plenty of food and our needs were met.  I appreciate everything my parents did for me today.  I didn't back then.  Now I am married and my husband is the complete opposite of my dad...not that I am trying to compare them.  But it drives me crazy how he can procrastinate.  Things don't get right away as they should.  I have picked up alot of the slack, but I am growing tired.  Did I mention bitterness is creeping in?  And disrespect.  I have to be honest....I lack so much.  I am not meek or quiet and gentle.  I am like the clang of pots and pans when I get upset.  I am tired of making up reasons for our children.  Someone once said that this was like abuse.  I wouldn't know.  But I do know that I don't like it.  And I also know that he tries what he thinks is his best.  He works at a good job.  I have heard afew complaints by others at work about him...I was shocked.  But I don't work with him there...I just know what he is like at home.  At home he is so glued to the couch and tv, and eats.  Ok...this does sound like I am slamming him.  I do pray that the Lord will forgive me.  We all fall short, we are all sinners.  It is better that I post my frustrations here, rather than let my children listen to me.  My blog is called My Way or Yehweh.  I am forever in a battle for what is right and what I do - for I do what I do not want to do....I want to do what is right.   My idea of life would be living in a community where I am welcome and accepted....for who I am and what I believe in and what I do.  I am a struggling Christian, who believes in Jesus Christ and that He saves and lives....that miracles still happen today.  I am homeschooling my three children....which is not very popular here.  lol.  I have a neighbour very near by who works for the public school board....so I used to hear alot of options.  At church I am often questioned about homeschooling.  I don't think I am going to answer anymore in any sort of details.  One or two words...well afew more....like we are doing fine.  Thank you.  One lady asked me why I wasnt' in the Christmas spirit....at church.  I didn't want to tell her that I found out that my husband wasn't telling me the truth that we couldn't visit family because we had no money for gas...never mind about presents.  I had used my last few dollars to by hotdogs and buns for Christmas dinner.  I should of been rejoicing really...but I wasn't.  The answer I gave her was simple, we couldnt' afford to have Christmas this year.  She said oh and walked away.  I guess I am mad at her alittle.  When we first came to the church last year, her house flooded and she cried at the front of the church and asked for prayers because it was so expensive and they were finding it hard.  I mean she looks perfect.....clothes, hair and manicured nails and all.  I was confused and couldn't relate.  Here we go without alot of basic and essential things.  I mentioned that I am experiencing bitterness right? 

I was reading alittle in my Bible tonight.  Romans 8:8 -10 - Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.  you, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.  And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. 

I am really not very knowledgeable of my Bible - I do know that even with faith as small as a mustard seed is good.  And right now, my faith is small.  I feel dried up, chewed up and spit out.  There are alot of others that are so much more worse off than me too.  I tell myself that alot.  I have a dear friend who has family that would starve in Africa if she didn't work hard so she could send them money.  I have an old school friend who is confinded to a wheelchair for his entire life since grad night years ago.  A girl I went to school with recently lost her son in a tragic accident inside their home. 

I have been reading an old book about the early fathers of the church in ancient days.  I am not Catholic, but I see wisdom in what I have read.  Saint Jerome once said "we have gold gleaming walls and delicately painted pillars, but when we allow our poor to die, Christ too, dies naked and hungry before our doors".....I am not thinking of myself being poor.  Because I know that I am no where near poor.  I am only feeling sorry for myself and with prayer and much work, things will get better.  And yes, I will be praising the Lord....because only He can fix this for us.  We don't have any control in anything.  He will someday change my husbands heart.  I believe in miracles!!  We see one everyday....when our eyes open to another glorious day.  There is no guarantee that we will awake in the morning - and when we do, well....then it is thank you Lord.  I am without any money today, thank you Lord!!  I think if I had all the comforts of this world, then I would be lost in the world.   I have food in my cubboards, thank you Lord!!  It always gets us to the next paycheque too...another thank you Lord!!  Makes me think of that story of the prophet who stayed a widows house and her oil and flour (?) never ceased.  I don't know for sure if I have that correct.  I only need to tell myself another thing as well...that I am in the refiner's fire.  God is with me and I am not alone.  Funny how I can talk around myself and problems lol....and suddenly the sun is back out shining.  I need to let more Sonshine in my eyes...I only need to look up more!! 

This babbling nut is going to go get some sleep.  It is 2am

Blessings from acraisydaisy....thank you to those who find this and pray.  The power of prayer is so amazing!!