Ok....this might be the wrong place to do this.  But I need to just vent some of my feelings that I kept under my cap.  I am really dealing with some very heavy stuff.  I have posted in the past about marriage problems that my husband and I are having, and then removed them.   I haven't really blasted my husband in the past, but there is a temptation to do just that now.   I am tired of trying to reinvent myself - and I am tried of watching my children try to gain his attention too.  

 This last Sunday, I listened to a great message, and yes I felt convicted.  I know I could be doing better to set a better example for my children, as they have witnessed me being angry and upset.  The example is that I should be more positive and praising the Lord even during my time of trial.  Instead I am angry and stressed out - to where I have made myself sick.  How is it that others can approach me and correct me, and yet think so well of my husband?  Why can't I just blab the awful truth of what it has been like in our home??  I am tired of living such a lie.  My son was very sick this spring.  The doctors couldn't diagnose what was wrong with him.  He already has a problem with asthma and allergies....nothing to serious for allergies - dairy and environmental ones.  But on top of his asthma out of control we discovered after we came to the coast, that he actually had the whooping cough....he did have two chest infections previous to that as well.  What more could drag him down?  He lost about 20lbs and was looking like a walking skeleton, and he was shaking from always using a puffer and a nebulizer.  I got tired of the endless prescriptions which amounted to several hundred dollars....I was tired of nothing making him better....not the spending of the money.  My husband was getting upset and didn't believe that our son was really ill.  I even had to call an ambulance to come and take us to the hospital....by this time I was staying in town with a friend.  He was upset and told me not call them again because it was too expensive.  What do you do?  He was waking up at night gasping to breathe...and even on the one occasion turned blue.  I was staying with a friend so that he didn't have to leave work himself.  He doesn't like to be disturbed alot from his job.  It has always been like that with him.  He is tied to his job..  I guess I am blasting him.  He works Monday to Friday from 8am to 5pm and then stays every evening until about 11pm and then goes back Saturdays all day until late and then drives us to church on Sundays - drops us off and goes home.  There he sleeps all day and then gets us and takes us back home and continues to sleep all day, then returns to work.  Meanwhile, the kids are growing deeply unhappy and miserable.  They fight over their dad if he has even 5 minutes to include them in going to the garbage dump with him.  And only involves himself in the older son's Cadets for Christ group if they are doing fun activities that he likes, other wise forget it, it is uninteresting.  And he is uninvolved.  He does drive him and his sister to their groups...so they have 15km in the car to group and and 15km in the car back home.  Does anyone know how much time that takes?  No one realizes that that is the only real time they get with him.  Our youngest is 7 years old and  has never been alone with him.  He can't manage our finances and had the opportunity to put a large payment on our health care bill that he has never paid....but instead bought something unnecessary.  A lawn sweeper.  It is more important to have a nice looking yard then paying bills.  

 I think I have already mentioned  the new church tback home hat I had been attending, the messages I have listened to has helped me to see things differently.  Not with my relationship with my husband, but my relationship with the Lord.....one message was on wasting our lives holding on the anger and hurts.  I was really convicted over this.

And now this new church here that I am attending.....The messages bring tears to my eyes and I cry alot. the messages that I loved was last week at church.  The Pastor spoke about Moses and how he was successful and yet how he too failed at home with his family.  He even sent Zipporah away back to her father with his sons.  So he couldn't of had much of a relationship with is children.  Yet the Lord worked in his life and he did wonderful things.  I am aware that the Lord can heal this marriage.  But we each have our own selfish wills to do as we want.  I try to please the Lord and I try to always lay my problems at HIS feet.  And I know all happens in HIS timing.  But I am weary.  I am mad.  Why doesn't my husband at least call us?  He needs to  make an effort too.   I learned also that alot of men who don't spend any quality time with their children, eventually don't understand their families dynamics or how they function.  They eventually quit trying to figure their family out....because they spend so little time with their family, when they find it too difficult to understand them they quit.   They find other things that do interest them....and then build their own little kingdoms.  And fill their own lives with the things that make them happy.  This is where we feel that we are at.  I know my faults are many.......yet if you never watered your house plants and ignored them....won't they eventally turn all brown and wilt?  It takes two to waltz, two to tango.  What is that parable of the weeds among the wheat?  I need to go and find it.  I don't know if it has anything to do with this....but it just popped into my mind.   Satan comes and he tries to destroy everything if you give him ground. 

I am tired.  I have tried alot of things.  I have read marriage books, one I tried to get into was called The Excellent Wife.  But you know what?  I had nothing in common with that book.  I am a good wife.  I cook and clean and I raise my children.  I also have another book written by Debi Pearl....Created to be a Helpmeet.....more like a door mat.  Because when I started to follow that....that is what I felt like. 

I have vented....and no I don't feel better.  Forgiveness....I need to work on that.  Let go of my anger and hurt before it swallows me whole and I grow completely hard hearted.

Blessings from acraisydaisy