If we were evolved from apes and monkeys, then why do we still have apes and monkeys?

The only thing standing between you and your goals are you and your goals

In America, anyone can become president. Thats one of the chances you have to take.

When someone is annoying you, remember... it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown... but it takes 3 muscles to extend your arm to beat the crap out of them.

An unbreakable toy is used to break other toys

Don't talk unless you can improve the silence

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

Don't steal! The government hates competition!!

Hockey is nothing but a war where they keep scores

Just think of how much bigger the oceans would be if there weren't any sponges.

I just have one thing to say. well, actually I have nothing else to say. I guess I just wanted some attention.

What are "free" gifts? Arent all gifts free?

I do not believe in miracles - I rely on them

I went to the missing persons bureau.. no one was there..

I suhport publik edumuhkashun

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got

Have you noticed how fast the new Mac notebooks are? .. neither did I

Write your questions to me and write them on the back of a $20 bill

I don't drive fast! I fly really low..

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

Dumb is not knowing... Ditzy is having the courage to ask

Don't get high on life - Cereal hurts when it gets stuck up your nose

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep them scattered all around the world. Maybe you've seen some..

A listing for "Wizard of Oz": Transported to a surreal landscapes, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with complete strangers to kill again.

The evening news is where they begin with "Good Evening" and then proced to explain why it isnt